All victims tell the same story ‘I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what it was’. He or she was like brightest present under the tree on Christmas morning. After opening the present, it turned out to be a ticket to the Superbowl of insanity. There is one and only one option----leave it unwrapped and run as fast as you can! If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

 They say “God doesn’t make junk”. Anyone who’s been there disagrees.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BEYOND INSANE
A novel by Anonymous

-Prologue-

---

 

They are masters of great first impressions with their charisma. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. It’s all smoke and mirrors. Pull back the curtain and you’ll find a snake in the grass.

 It’s difficult to comprehend how anyone could tolerate the abusive partner and their black cloud in a toxic relationship with a narcissist. I can only explain by saying that you will never know unless you’ve been there. It’s your purgatory. You won’t get credit off your sentence for good behavior. They identify that your love is your weakness and they take advantage of it. Everything in themselves that is unacceptable is transferred to you through projection: “What’s wrong with you”? Your job is to prop up their fragile self-esteem and if you fail to do so, you become their punching bag. You become so conditioned that you are unaware that you are being controlled. You accept the situation as being the norm. Control is exerted by charisma, manipulation, coercion, and especially constant bullying as victims of narcissists become more and more powerless. As with any cancer, it starts small and grows. You become codependent and put the needs of your captor above your own. You are exploited. A dog will tolerate being kicked for only so long. A rejected narcissist is as dangerous as any weapon with its safety off in the hands of the children they are. Rules don’t apply to them. Expect hysteria, torture, revenge, but never truth. You become a combatant in a war zone as they bully you into submission unless you have a moment of clarity---your ‘What the Fuck Moment’. End the insanity and they seek revenge that will last a lifetime. They will stalk you and employ their flying monkeys to spread their lies.[1]  You’re both ready for the Jerry Springer show or a kangaroo court. They love the limelight and will wear white to show their purity. But underneath their coat of armor is the blood of others. You are innocent of everything except bad judgement in partner selection so they manufacture more shit than Thomas Edison. Their biggest lie is to say “I love you”. They have no clue what love is. So, after they say “I love you”, you will hear the word ‘but’. (AB Jamison in part)

 To the extent they believe they can get away with it, they manipulate, exploit, and violate laws and the legal system for their own ends while readily using those same institutions to constrain and punish others. No better example of this is the narcissist (narc for short) who lies and manipulates in court to punish and control regardless of the harm it does to others. (Julie Hall in The Narcissist in Your Life)

 An official diagnosis is very unlikely unless a mental health professional knows all the details in advance. Narcs are the ONLY people that can consistently beat a lie detector because they honestly believe their own lies. They are charismatic and make a great first impression. They will beat up on their victims because discussing their deeds requires self-reflection which is forbidden in their playbook. They manipulate the therapist, many of whom are not trained in Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  

 

LOVE OF A NARC IS THROUGH TRAUMA BONDING

You feel stuck and powerless in the relationship but want to make the best of it.
You don’t trust the other person, but you can’t leave.
You would describe your relationship as intense and complex.
There are promises of things getting better in the future.
You “focus on the good” in the person, despite behaviors you know are abuse.
You think you can change your abusive partner.
Your friends and/or family have advised you to leave the relationship, but you stay.
You find yourself defending the relationship if others criticize it.
The abusive partner constantly lets you down, but you believe them anyway.
You constantly worry about doing something that would upset them.
You know they're deceptive and manipulative, but you can't let go.
You do everything you can do to please them and are always loyal, even when they give you nothing but pain.
You find yourself craving any small amount of affection or love from them but it never comes.

 Love him or hate him, Donald Trump did more than anyone in history to expose narcissism. Narcissism occurs on a spectrum meaning the worst of the worst, like Trump, are classified as overt.  Those who are covert are harder to spot until something triggers them. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) classifies narcissism as a mental illness in its Bible, the DSM or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. There are red flags to look for. If someone has six, they are a likely a narc. One psychiatrist said “Think of the worst person you’ve ever met. Chances are they are narcissist”.

Relationships are largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others’ experience and predominance of a need for personal gain. (DSM Fifth edition Pg 767) In women, an expansive wardrobe serves as fuel to their feelings of grandiosity.  They have a callous lack of concern for others, inflexible, unaware of their motivations, and zero self-esteem (requiring an external supply from others). They are exploitive and believe peers are inferior in skills. They are impulsive and fear abandonment even though they are the driver of abandonment. They believe they are superior and expect to be recognized as such. They require excessive admiration. They insist on the best. (Pg 645-672)

 

The top indicators of narcissism are a lack of empathy for others and a sense of entitlement. They are consumed by intense RAGE and are extremely controlling. Again, they are consumed by intense RAGE and are extremely controlling.  Many businessmen, lawyers, and politicians are narcs because narcs are attracted to power. A friend once said “There’s a line for everything”. Not so with narcs.  Signs include drama, grandiose fantasies, projection, arrogance, never apologize, overly confident, false humility, guilt trips, self-pity, self-centered, selfish, sensitive to criticism, victim mentality, rage, tantrums, chaotic, lies, manipulates, vane, and charismatic. Narcs assign someone to be their scapegoat.

 THEY ARE ALL BULLIES

Narcs come in many flavors. Many have overlapping disorders such as antisocial personality disorder and encroach on the rights of others.  Some may exhibit symptoms of histrionic personality disorder and have an excessive need for approval. Some may have bipolar disorders making them feel superior at times but usually inferior. Isolation and a contempt for anyone else’s opinion are classic signs of the “hubris syndrome” but is generally associated with power seeking (excessive pride, self-confidence, or arrogance). Some also have multiple Cluster B disorders such as borderline personality disorder (BPD) making them paranoid and unstable. Some are also psychotic/sociopathic making them violent with no understanding of right from wrong. Some male psychopaths are responsible for gun violence. Female psychopaths (especially older females) kill with antifreeze. A sociopathic narcissist will be cold and callous but will also be seeking the admiration of others (and will believe that they deserve it). They will have a disdain for people and think it's okay to exploit and dispose of others in whatever way it helps them to get ahead. While sociopaths don't think about other people unless they can benefit them in some way, narcissists only think of others in terms of how they reflect on the narcissist.

 Some may also suffer from paranoia. Many narc/paranoia symptoms are similar.

•           Find it difficult, if not impossible, to ‘forgive and forget’
•           EASILY offended
•           No ability to compromise
•           Hostile, aggressive and argumentative
•           ALWAYS on the defensive
•           Can’t cope with any criticism
•           Find it difficult to trust others
•           Assign harmful meanings to other people’s remarks
•           Find relationships difficult
•           Believe in ‘conspiracy theories’
•           Assumes their mate is cheating
•           Feel persecuted by the world at large
•           Believe they are being watched
•           Cover their windows

Narcs are on a quest for power and control and use the love and admiration of others as a tool to dominate and manipulate. They go about thinking that it is their right and that they are justified. There will be no guilt, no remorse, and never an apology. The simple words ‘I’m sorry’ are powerful. It’s hard to argue with someone you love that says ‘I’m sorry’. Narcs do say I’m sorry but it rolls off their tongue in a millisecond only AFTER someone asks for an apology. It is never sincere and it always goes as follows: “I’m sorry you made me mad”.  

Even if these behaviors cause significant problems for this person, they find it very difficult or impossible to stop the problematic behaviors. After all, it's all just a game and people are merely pawns. When they get tired of others or they aren't serving a useful role anymore, then they will cast them aside. (Greenberg)

Narcs believe they are superior to others but inside they see themselves as inferior regardless of their accomplishments. Putting others down builds themselves up. They need others to tell them how smart they are, how pretty they look, and what great people they are. Once you stop with the compliments, expect rage.

 Psychiatrists don’t know if it’s nature or nurture that creates these monsters but there’s evidence that parenting may be a factor. Adult narcissists use sophisticated versions of childlike responses. When seen in this light, the often mystifying and maddening actions of narcissists begin to make sense. Narcs are children in an adult’s body. They blame someone else. A cookie jar scenario: “It’s not my fault.” Say they had no choice. “But I was starving!” Pretend they don’t know what you are talking about. “What cookies?” Recite good things they have done. “But I looked at them for a really long time before taking one.” Act like a victim. “I always get caught. It’s not fair.” Deny they did anything wrong. “I was just looking for later, I wasn’t going to eat it now.” Get mad at you. “You're a mean Mommy.” Change the subject. “Can I go play now?” Try to charm you. “But I love you so much, Mommy.” Minimize. “But I don’t even like that kind of cookie.” Hide or run away. Ignore you. Throw a tantrum. (Neuharth Ph.D., MFT)

 One aspect of their behavior you can take to the bank is that they do not cry-ever, ever, ever!!! Even at funerals of ‘loved ones’ (a narc oxymoron), they typically barely acknowledge the deceased—instead telling those who pay their respects all about the narc’s successes of late. The takeaway for acquaintances is “they’re handling it well” when in fact they could care less about the deceased. In some, death of others is welcome especially if there is an inheritance.

 26% of all Americans have some sort of mental health issue. One study showed up to 16% of the overall population may be narcs. Scientists are studying why many narcs have less gray matter. Gray matter is brain food in its simplest terms. A 2015 study concluded that narcissists may be vulnerable to dementia and Alzheimer’s Disease (AD), especially older women (Austin J Clin Neurol 2015;2(7): 1057). In that study, 42% of narcs showed increased signs of AD over the 36 months life of the study. 13% of people over age 65 suffer AD with that number skyrocketing with age. Diabetes is another gray matter/AD risk factor. The American Diabetes Association says diabetes causes damage to blood vessels in the brain contributing to cognitive decline. With type 1 diabetes, there is a 93% increased risk of developing AD. Narcs should ask their physician for an MRI. He’ll recommend fasting, exercise, and meditation but that’s about all that can be done. The paranoid narcissist may find vitamin B9 recommended.

 One study found that true heroes, those who risk their lives for others, have an aspect of their hypothalamus opposite from the clinically mentally ill who suffer Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD.

Narcs burn bridges. They have few, if any, friends and often alienate family. They do not compromise and lack respect for others. Since reality doesn’t support their grandiose view of themselves, narcissists live in a fantasy world propped up by distortion, self-deception, and magical thinking. Their fantasies protect them from feelings of inner emptiness and shame, so facts and opinions that contradict them are ignored or rationalized away. Anything that threatens to burst the fantasy bubble is met with extreme defensiveness and intense rage, so those around the narcissist learn to tread carefully around their denial of reality.

YOUR 'RELATIONSHIP IS IN TROUBLE ONCE THEY KNOW THAT YOU KNOW

They train their victims by starting small fights in the beginning to establish control. Victims usually forget about fights but narcs never do. Instead, narcs stew over things and eventually have big fights over nothing in order to begin round two of the normal person’s forgotten fight. You will be required to apologize for things you don’t remember.

Grandiosity is another defining characteristic. Playback the video of retirement and birthday parties and you’ll see them cut off others to talk about themselves. Even temporary diminishment in praise is seen as betrayal by narcs. If you don’t meet their every need, you are useless to them. They expect everyone to comply with their every wish while they’re oblivious to others needs and desires. Defy their will and prepare for aggression. They see others as objects and exploit without guilt or shame. Their defense mechanism is contempt. The narc’s discard phase occurs when a person no longer boasts their ego. If there was a dating web site for narcs, it would say “I need to replenish my narcissistic supply (supply is one who boosts their fragile ego). Tell me what a wonderful person I am and I’ll make your life a living hell anyway”.

Never consider one as a romantic partner unless you enjoy pain. They are great studies of others. They will nod in agreement with you all day as they do their detective work on you. They study you to find what you are looking for in a mate. Once they figure you out, they become a chameleon. They turn into exactly what you are looking for. You’ll say to yourself “God how did I get so lucky to find my soulmate”? They turn on the love bombing to hook you.[2] They will tell you they love you but they have no clue what love of another is. They love only themselves. When they say “I love you”, they actually mean “I love the way I (the narc) feels when you tell me how wonderful I am”. Their victims are known as empaths meaning empathetic people. Narcs lack of empathy and compassion is bigger than a black hole in space. If you’re crazy enough to marry one, and they say in their vows “until death do us part”, your appropriate response is “BULLSHIT”. They are all on timers. It will end in days, weeks, years, or if you really enjoy pain then in a decade or so.   

 After the love bombing, is the devaluation phase. They’re all programmed at the factory to say to you “What’s wrong with you” and have master’s degrees in tearing you down.  They’re fishermen. When they feel a nibble, they yank you in. Then they throw you back. Their doctorate is in controlling others. Control, control, control is what they were born for. Trying to reason with them is like pissing in the wind. You are not them, therefore they simply don’t give a shit. It’s all an act. If they sense they are losing their human yo-yo, they reel you in again with more love bombing. Being a narc is hard work but somebody’s gotta do it. A huge part of their arsenal is gaslighting.[3] They have an inventory of mind games bigger than an Amazon warehouse. Their goal is to get you to think you are losing your mind. That way you become more dependent on them for as long as they need you to blow smoke up their ass.

 They keep you in a FOG. FOG is an acronym that stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. These three emotions are often at the core of manipulation, and are often how narcissists, sociopaths, and other types of emotional manipulators go about controlling their targets.

 They have zero emotional attachment to you. Their microwave oven means more to them than you and always did. Chances are they’ve already groomed their next victim who is waiting in the wings. When their radar tells them you’ve had enough of their shit, replacing you is as easy and emotionless to them as changing a light bulb. You won’t be the one to end things because you are trauma bonded. It’s their Superglue. This is known as the discard phase. Hopefully you have a prenup and have an exit strategy but chances are you don’t. This is when they go to work. Under their rules, you are prohibited from leaving their toxic cesspool. They must be the one to end things. You are prohibited from doing so.

 You were beaten and bruised emotionally and sometimes physically. In the aftermath, you’ll tell your psychiatrist that you feel guilty and wish you did more to save the so called ‘relationship’. That’s when your shrink will sit up and say “WHOA! There wasn’t a damn thing you could have done short of winning the lottery that would have prolonged the inevitable----giving them time to steal your winnings. You’ll learn that you were the victim. That discovery will be monumental. You’ll see the association with Stockholm Syndrome, the condition in which victims feel an allegiance to their captors.[4]  You’ll learn of their con. You truly loved your captor even though they never loved you. You were as blind as a man with a walking stick. It’s as if they were aliens from another planet in the suit of a human.

 

THEIR ONLY EMOTION IS ANGER
 

 Narcissistic Victim Syndrome is real. Your mind goes into a form of shock.  (Cannonville, 2015; Staggs 2016). The aftermath of narcissistic abuse can include depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, a pervasive sense of toxic shame, emotional flashbacks that regress the victim back to the abusive incidents, and overwhelming feelings of helplessness and worthlessness. The person you loved was and is an emotional terrorist. They never sought help because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with them. A few do make an appearance before mental health professionals but it’s all for show and they never return. Besides, everything is your fault. It’s human nature to forget the bad in time and to remember only the good. Normal people are just wired that way. It’s your escape from reality. You don’t want to face the truth that you were raped by a stranger.

 You’ll learn that you don’t need to walk on eggshells any longer as your narc trained you to do but you will do so anyway for a bit longer. As if you didn’t have enough on your plate, you may be given another label. You may be codependent. Surprise, surprise—you’re a people pleaser. Codependents make the best victims.

 You are told to make a complete break and to never look back. But your narc is NEVER done punishing you. That’s what they meant by “until death do us part”. A divorce can cost as little as $600 but they know the system and will try to bankrupt you through the courts. If you have kids, you definitely need a bankruptcy lawyer too. If you showed the judge black eyes and bruises all over, that would get the judge’s attention. But most laws dealing with emotional abuse and divorce were written by and for lawyers who are there to grease the wheels of a broken system. Even though narcs may be clinically insane, their rights supersede common sense—never mind the safety of the children. Unless you’re rich and can hire psychiatrists to testify, you can’t even tell the judge your story of emotional abuse. There are many judges who are good men and women but they hear the same story far too often. Like a trauma room doctor who sees blood every day, it’s easy to become numb. Judges shouldn’t be dealing with the gore to begin with. Some states have people with mental health backgrounds to advise them following interviews with the combatants but many of these people are burned out too and stick around just for a government pension.

 Psychology Today says to get your stuff out ASAP because if they can’t destroy your life, they’ll destroy everything you own. They may block you on social media and refuse to talk with you. This is a good thing! No contact is just what the doctor ordered. Over and over and over, author AB Jamesion, in his book on narcissism titled Prepare to be Tortured, repeated ‘NO CONTACT’. If you have children, you’re unfortunately at their mercy. Like a bad penny, narcs return to hoover you. Coined after the Hoover vacuum, hoovering is a calculating scheme commonly used by narcissists to "suck" you up into their cesspool and get you back into their insane life. It's an energetically draining dynamic that perpetuates a toxic pattern of idealization, devaluation, and discardment.

 Assume the worst of the legal system and you won’t be disappointed. There’s a likelihood that your insane nex (narcissistic ex) ran off to a family court judge during the discard phase and got an Order of Protection against you just for shits and giggles. It’s a narcissist heaven to have COPs with guns control you. Control, control, control. They don’t even have to break a fingernail. A West Virginia study said that 80% of all OP’s are false and are designed to get a competitive advantage. Even a schizophrenic who was in a coat with oversized sleeves days earlier and had a ‘vision’ can get an OP. Ops are free and you don’t need a lawyer. Judge’s hands are tied by truly insane state laws. Until legislators are victimized, don’t expect changes. There needs to be prison time and civil damages for filing false OP applications. One judge said he knew one application before him was bullshit but did nothing. I suppose he wouldn’t look good at the country club or during the next election if he was wrong and something happened. Justice is an illusion. If anyone tells you otherwise, tell them about Santa. For the truly violent person, OPs aren’t worth the paper they’re written on. So, what’s the point? Compare the size and location of your lawyer’s home to yours.

 Oprah said “The first time someone hits you, should be the last time they hit you”. With narcs, the first time they emotionally abuse you, should be the last time. These people are Japanese Beetles. They eat from the inside out leaving only a skeleton. The emotional trauma you’re left with is devastating.

 Fake love: He/she called you ‘sweetie pie’, held your hand, said “I love you”, and may have had children with you. One of the hardest realizations is that it was all a lie. It is actually highly unlikely that your narcissistic partner is even capable of real love, let alone feels it towards you past the beginning of your relationship (if even then). Narcs are not equipped to experience and show love in the sense that most of us mean it. Narcs lack the capacity to deeply appreciate the authentic self of another human being. They do not really care about their mate’s happiness or welfare except as it affects their own. And, they are rarely willing to sacrifice anything in order to make their mate happy. The only happiness that they are really concerned about is their own. (Elinor Greenberg Ph. D)

 For the longest time you knew something was seriously wrong with them but you were powerless to change anything. You were faithful and couldn’t have loved them more than you did. Their timer went off and there’s not a damn thing you could have done differently.

 

GOLDWATER

The American Psychiatric Association (APA) asks its member not to diagnose anyone without interviewing them first. During presidential candidate Barry Goldwater’s bid for president in 1964, mental health professionals warned voters that Goldwater was off his rocker. After the election, Goldwater sued, won, and was awarded peanuts. The APA instituted the Goldwater rule that asks shrinks to get subjects on the couch before diagnosing them. If Goldwater were to be on the couch, he would be a client and his therapists would be barred from discussing any diagnosis without permission. It’s a dog chasing its tail.

During Trump’s era, many psychiatrists told Anderson Cooper on a CNN Town Hall program (and elsewhere) that Trump was a narcissist but they said it was their opinion rather than a diagnosis. It’s their work around. They argue that another Hitler could rise to power if they remained silent. Clearly Trump was looney toons when he asked people to drink bleach and said he won the 2020 election. Famous narcissists include Trump, Hitler, Putin, and Jim Jones.  

 Cooper asked a panelist how accurate is a diagnosis having never met Trump. The answer was that a diagnosis made watching videotape may be far more accurate than a session on the couch because narcissists are master manipulators. They know what therapists want to hear so they will be fed lies. But a recording of a narc during a narcissistic rage is uncontrolled.

We’re told ‘If you see something, say something’ and to let the professionals handle things. People knew the state of mind of Timothy McVeigh (Oklahoma) and Sandy Hook’s Adam Lanza before their acts. Everyone was silent. I am not a mental health professional and am not in the business of diagnosing anyone nor should the words of others repeated here be taken as gospel. But I have personal knowledge of more than one person who was glassy eyed, pupils dilated, and acting light years beyond bizarre, all symptoms of narcissistic rage and  other mental health diseases. I spoke with a judge that squirmed like a snake to escape doing his job of ordering a psych evaluation. After years of trying to get a family member help, to no avail, two doctors listened after a suicide attempt and finally got her the help she needed. She was diagnosed with schizophrenia and made a full recovery within a year with medication and talk therapy. Unfortunately, there are never happy endings with narcs. They fight treatment to the end with few exceptions.

 Most mental health hospitals were shut down following lawsuits in the latter part of the last century. Surely the rights of the mentally ill are very important but in the aftermath nothing of significance has taken their place and probably won’t in our lifetime. Just look around any city and you’ll see the mentally ill living under bridges. Others are hidden on the top floors of corporations, in the lunchroom, or in the classroom. Now and then you see headlines of teachers sleeping with those they are there to protect. About the only ones that got the memo are clergy and the boy scouts. Jail is our solution to what has become a mental health crisis in America.

 George Carlin was right when he said that civilization is circling the drain. One county got a $2 million grant in the wake of the police reform discussion. They asked the public what they should spend it on which indicates how clueless politicians are. They obviously believe the image of being a good listener helps with reelection. The flip side of the coin is that it shows they are not leaders.  All they had to do was to look at the court calendars. Judges could spend more time on the golf course if money was dedicated to assist the 26% of the nation that has signs of mental illness. Instead, most states are ‘lawyer friendly’. In this FUBAR system of gladiators, there’s a good guy and a bad guy.  Love always loses. In the 1980’s, a lawyer told me “When this is all over, you will hate everyone including me”. If the system were to be reformed to include mental health professionals in the justice system, one could fight for what’s best for loved ones. There would be no bad guys.

 Howard Stern said it best: “History will show the only thing our generation ever accomplished was to invent the FAX machine”. Sorry Howard, the FAX was invented in 1964 by the Greatest Generation.

 Over and over, you repeat: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

 

 

-Foreword-

 

I’ve been working with several victims of narcissists over the past year. One person who read this story cried with every paragraph because it triggered flashbacks. She relived her nightmare. Her nex (narcissistic ex) was diagnosed in absentia by her counselor as a narcissist.

 I’ve been active helping others on a male only website. The justice system is clearly corrupt for a multitude of reasons. Without ever speaking to a judge, men are automatically sent packing from the homes they worked a lifetime for while the mentally ill are supposed to stand watch over the children. Often the narcs new supply is as crazy as she is. A reporter who worked 40+ years in a mid-sized market said rarely a month went by during his career when an infant wasn’t murdered.  Every time it was the new boyfriend. This haunts many. Most seem as if they would be a good catch for new partners. They pour their heart out and their words make a tear come to your eyes. There are many men who can’t afford to support two homes so they end up in a flea bag motel or a relative’s basement at the hands of those that supposedly love them.

 Months ago, a guy out west cried for help online. He was popping pills and was ready to call it quits. I looked at his Facebook page and saw a motorcycle with a license plate. Police were able to locate him and get him help. For sure there are many who never cried out as he did. For the narc, their suicide rate is no higher than the population in general. As cruel as it sounds, many victims find that unfortunate but it shows just how profound the impact on others can be.

 All victims tell the same story ‘I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what it was’. He or she was like brightest present under the tree on Christmas morning. After opening the present, it turned out to be a ticket to the Superbowl of insanity. There is one and only one option----leave it unwrapped and run as fast as you can! If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

 They say “God doesn’t make junk”. Anyone who’s been there will disagree.

  

  

-Chapter One-

 

Those who knew her called her the fool on the hill. It’s Miss Eleanor Johnson’s 60^th and ten people are there to celebrate. Nobody wanted to be there but it’s their job. Everyone sings happy birthday, then all but one goes back to work at the Chapel Hill Nursing Home in Fresno. Sally stayed there listening to the forty-five-minute list of Eleanor’s numerous life accomplishments. Sally works in the office where she is privy to Eleanor’s financials. Eleanor is a millionaire. Most of her money was either inherited or stolen from friends and family. Her chart lists no friends or family so Sally stays hoping in time that Eleanor considers the nursing home as a beneficiary in her will.  She is there because she has advanced breast cancer. It’s too early to tell if she will survive. Either way, Eleanor is likely to be a short timer at the facility.

 On the night stand is a photo of Eleanor as a young child. Any father would love to just put their arms around that child and give her a hug and kiss on the cheek. She looked so precious. Her head is down in the photo. Was she shy, embarrassed, ashamed, or was it something else?

 In her six decades on this earth, how is it that Eleanor doesn’t have a single friend or family member here to celebrate this milestone? She has such a wonderful smile, exhibits charisma, and loves to talk (mostly about herself) so it doesn’t make sense. Sally inquires about friends. Eleanor said her best friend, Liz, is a two-timing low life who used her so good riddance. That is far from the truth. When Liz’s mom had only two weeks to live, thanks to her sense of entitlement, Eleanor helped herself to mom’s wedding ring and refused to return it so police had to be called. They never spoke again.

 A second photo on the night stand shows a beautiful smile in her thirties.  Surely there must have been men in her life. She was dark skinned. Her great-grandfather was Jamaican but Eleanor refused to recognize her heritage. Instead, she told people she was a sun worshipper.  She had short fiery red hair in the photo but now it was waist length. She had more than her share of freckles. On the downside, she was practically the size of a linebacker who let herself go later in life. At six foot, she towered over others.  She approached 225 pounds now but it wasn’t always that way. Sally inquired about men.  Eleanor said she was married right after graduating from nursing school. He was handsome but it was a mistake. She said “The guy was such a loser. He was needy. He wanted to spend every Saturday fishing, golfing, and spend time with the guys instead of wining and dining me. He was so inconsiderate. I deserved much better. We fought constantly. After four years of it, he left”. Eleanor left the important part out. One day during a rage, she turned all burners of a kitchen gas stove on and pushed her husband into them. Then she got an Order of Protection against him. That ended that.

 Sally asked “Did you have children”?  Eleanor said “God no! Are you kidding? Why would I spend two decades cleaning up after someone else then paying for their college”? There was a guy in college that wanted to marry me but he wanted kids so I dumped him like a hot potato.

 At that point, a young black male nurse named Colvin entered. In a stern voice he barked “Mrs. Johnson, an aide found excrement in your roommate’s bed--again. This is the second time this month. I’m going to have to report you to the director”.  Eleanor’s human waste fetish earned her the well-deserved nickname ‘Poo’ with staff. The name stuck. Eleanor retorted “My name is Miss Johnson, not Mrs. Johnson. I expect you to address me with the correct salutation. Do you understand”? Silence followed. Eleanor hollered “DO YOU UNDERSTAND”? Then in typical narcissistic projection, she asked “What’s wrong with you”? After Colvin left the room in frustration, Eleanor told Sally “People like him are why so many white people dislike their race. They don’t value education then they whine about earning minimum wage”. Sally responded “You were fortunate. In today’s economy, not everyone has the opportunities that were available to your generation. Besides, Colvin is educated. He had to have spent years in school to become a nurse.”. Eleanor said “He could have gotten a scholarship for basketball and become a doctor”.

 Changing the subject, Sally asked if there were problems with her roommate. Eleanor said “Of course there is. She keeps me up all night with her snoring. She’s the most inconsiderate person here”. Sally said “I’m sure she doesn’t do it on purpose”. Eleanor whined “I warned her about it day after day. It’s up to her to do whatever she needs to do to fix it. She has no respect for me. I need a good night’s sleep. I have cancer you know. Everybody needs to be considerate of me”.  

Sally made the mistake of asking about her career. Eleanor welcomed the opportunity to brag about her accomplishments. “So, I understand you were a nurse at St. Agnes Hospital. What did you do there”? Eleanor started with her college days saying that she was valedictorian of her class at Cal-State Irvine. Sally would never know the truth that Eleanor just squeaked through college. Eleanor worked hard but just never achieved the status she had hoped for and to her status was everything. She worked at a restaurant to help support herself until she was fired. Eleanor said “There was one guy that kept complimenting me. One day I asked him what his intentions were. He said that I was hot. That was it for me. He saw me as a sexual object so I punched him as hard as I could. The boss saw it and fired me”.

 “After I graduated with honors, my goal was to be a school nurse at Cleveland Heights School. There was a vacancy that I applied for. It’s a cushy job with weekends and holidays off plus a pension. I didn’t get it due to politics”. Eleanor left out the part about how she and her mom attended school board meetings for a year thereafter to berate the board for their decision. “I finally landed a job at Junction Elementary near the Oregon-Nevada border”. In Eleanor’s first month on the job, she refused to allow a young mom named Mildred and her three kids to enter the school on a 32-degree morning saying a nearby school bus was about to unload its passengers. The truth was that the bus was empty. The driver was inside the school doing paperwork. After five minutes, Mildred ignored her and brought her kids in out from the cold. Eleanor ran down the hall screaming “How dare you defy my command”! The principal heard the commotion, ran down the hall, then ordered Eleanor into his office for a chat. She left with a written reprimand.  A week later Eleanor used the school’s FAX machine to contact a nearby school seeking confidential information about a student. Eleanor had a dispute with a neighbor’s child at her apartment. The school sent her and her boss a letter that said “If you ever attempt to contact this district in the future, we will contact the district attorney’s office. During the next school board meeting, Eleanor was fired. 

My second job was at St. Agnes Hospital. Altogether, I worked at the school, nine hospitals, a clinic, and was President of the Mid-Cal Nurses United. I’ve done everything there is to do in a hospital”. Eleanor exaggerated her position with the union. She was little more than a receptionist there after she found it difficult to find a job having gone through just about every hospital in the region. She was the last person on earth anyone would want treating them if they were sick. Compassion is the hallmark of nursing. Narcissists lack compassion. Eleanor’s bedside manner was akin to Nurse Ratchets in the Cuckoo’s Nest.

 Eleanor started at St. Agnes in the oncology department. During the first week on the job, a grieving family whose loved one was near death looked to her for hope and guidance. She continued administering a medication and didn’t even acknowledge anyone in the family with eye contact. She matter-of-factly told them to call an undertaker and get on with their lives and don’t look back. Eleanor said “Hey, everybody dies some time. This guy’s number is up”. The doctor was informed of Eleanor’s heartless comments after which she was transferred to triage. She bypassed her boss and went directly to the administrator to complain. Eleanor wanted to work in ER in order to catch a doctor and his hefty paycheck. She told the administrator that she demanded respect and a say in where she worked. This proved to be a mistake on Eleanor’s part. After she left, the administrator called HR and told them if she gave anyone trouble, transfer her to the morgue and then to send her packing.

 After a few weeks in triage, Eleanor came to work late as usual and couldn’t find a parking space in the parking garage. She was pissed and called the administrator demanding a parking space with a sign and her name on it. The administrator called security to assist her. That day a patient needed a minor head wound wrapped. She didn’t look hard but all she could find was cotton and packing tape for shipping. She bandaged the patient’s head with two-inch Scotch tape. Later the patient lost much of his hair cutting the tape off.

 When HR learned of the incident, Eleanor found herself assigned to the morgue so she quit.

 Within weeks, she began work for Community General Hospital. She tried to fly under the radar. It worked for a while but her time card showed she was late far too often plus she called in sick Mondays and Fridays. A nurse manager pulled her aside in the hallway to have a little talk. About a minute into the warning, Eleanor blew. She had a full-blown narcissistic rage. She tried intimidation, screaming “WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? YOU KNOW HOW THE FREEWAY IS IN THE MORNING. I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THAT”. The nurse manager said “Honey, not in front of the patients! Just leave a little earlier” and left. Her tardiness and her uncontrolled rage earned her citations in her personnel file early on.

 After several months on the job, Eleanor bought a two-family home in Las Palmas. The floor level unit had been flooded and was full of mold. A family with kids signed a lease and moved in. A few weeks later, the kids became sick from the mold. They found another place and moved breaking the lease. No deed goes unpunished to a narcissist. Eleanor decided to prove that the children did not have any problems with mold. All the hospitals in the region were linked by computer. Eleanor logged in and hunted each hospital’s records. Eleanor found what she was looking for. Las Palmas Medical had the family’s records. There was nothing on mold so Eleanor printed it. Then she confronted the dastardly lease breakers threatening to take them to court unless they honored the contract. The family notified their hospital. Eleanor was immediately fired and told by the other hospital that if she ever had any contact with them, they would prosecute her. Eleanor’s rage was so intense that it drove her to commit this and many other felonies over time. She would say “I’m not afraid”.  But she was. Eleanor could not control herself once she entered the narcissist rage stage. Once at this point, Eleanor’s eyes were always glassy and her pupils were dilated. She was also prone to narcissistic blackouts and the next day would not remember confrontations. This helped fuel her paranoia.

 At that point in Eleanor’s story, Sally received a page, apologized, and left.

 

-Chapter Two-

 

Through her door, Eleanor saw the black aide that had admonished her earlier, drinking a cup of coffee in the hall. That’s when she strategized her revenge for talking to her as he did. Eleanor demanded respect and she would teach him a lesson. She went to the atrium looking for the home’s companion dog. She waited and waited. Eventually the dog did his business. Eleanor picked up the feces with her bare hands and brought it back to her room. She walked the hallway. Eventually the aide put his coffee down and tended to a resident. It’s then that Eleanor put the specimen in his coffee.

 In the morning, Eleanor was transferred to the fifth floor. That’s where the geriatric psych ward is but she didn’t know it at the time. By that time, she had lost her hair due to chemo, not that she needed still another reason to be nasty.  Her oncology doctors didn’t know her long term prognosis for certain but it didn’t look good. Aides said she’ll live to 100 because she’s too miserable to die. One of the home’s two psychiatrists assumed Eleanor’s unstable behavior was her way of coping with the possibility of meeting her maker soon. Little did they know that she treated others like crap her entire life. It’s who she was—always. Psychiatrists evaluated her and wrote ‘narcissistic, psychotic, schizophrenic, and paranoid’ and crafted a regime of treatment. It’s unfortunate that it hadn’t come decades earlier. A psychiatrist talked with her about their plans for mental health treatment. She responded with “FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. THERE’S NOT A GOD DAMN THING WRONG WITH ME. YOU CRAZY FUCKS ARE THE PROBLEM. GET OUT OF HERE”. That night, four orderlies held her as her first dose of an antipsychotic medication was administered.

 Eleanor sat in her room 24 x 7 watching CNN’s coverage of President Trump. She hated him with a passion. Why? She was Republican so it didn’t jive. The answer was that she saw in Trump everything she hated in herself. His childlike temper tantrums, his nastiness, his x, y, and z. Above all, she wished for his power and to be admired as many did him. She tried her best to keep aides, nurses, and doctors out of her room citing Covid. Fear of catching it made her even more paranoid than she already was. She blamed all of her current problems on the ‘black bastard’, whose coffee she polluted, for being in the psych ward. Her goal was to get him fired.

 One day Sally was on the floor. She checked in with the nursing staff. Sally inquired about Eleanor and was told that Eleanor was a pain in the ass and was uncooperative. Sally was a burned-out social worker who moved to the job of soliciting endowments for the chain of homes among other chores. She decided to talk to Eleanor again. Sally knocked on Eleanor’s door and said “Good morning, Miss Johnson. How are we doing this fine day”? Eleanor barked “Don’t patronize to me you asshole”.

 After some small talk, Sally fished about Eleanor’s heirs to see who her million would go to. Eleanor said she had a sister named Melody in Nevada that she hadn’t seen in decades and wished her dead. What actually happened was after their father was buried, both went to the house with their respective mates. Eleanor had a ‘mental health event’. As both poured through childhood memorabilia that day, Melody asked her husband to put an item in her bag to take home. It was worth perhaps only $1 but it was important to Melody. One unusual trait of narcissists is they speak very softly at times. It is meant to have the listener be still to hear what they are saying. To them, it gives their words importance. Eleanor softly said “No…. It has to be sold at the garage sale”. Melody looked astonished and was taken aback but didn’t respond. Minutes later—ditto---to which Melody said “Excuse me”? The third time it happened, Melody stood up and said “Sister, I have no idea what your problem is but I’m not playing your game”. Melody and her husband got into her dad’s car, as they had throughout the funeral--rather than renting a car--then left. Eleanor called 911 to report a stolen vehicle. When she hung up, Eleanor said to her then paramour Lloyd “I hope they handcuff her”. Police stopped Melody. After she explained, police escorted her back to her dad’s home to drop off the vehicle. Melody called a cab and flew back to Nevada immediately. Their dad was probably turning over in her grave that day. He loved his daughters and certainly shed a tear in heaven that day. To this day, Melody has no clue why Eleanor acted as she did. Chances are, neither does Eleanor.

  

-Chapter Three-

 

Lloyd owned his own company. He and Eleanor had been together for a decade. Thanks to Eleanor’s narcissistic sense of grandiosity (hoping to be admired by others), she bragged about him to others saying he’s president of a multinational company. The truth was he owned a small local company that was failing.

 Eleanor had a closet that rivaled that of Imelda Marcos.  Every other day UPS rang her doorbell with new arrivals from Christopher and Banks. Part of it was due to her weight loss. To her credit, she was approaching 225 pounds down from her all time high of 295. She was dressed to the 9’s when she demanded Lloyd take her to restaurants that charged $100 per plate. Many times, she said “If you ask me to marry you, I’ll say yes”. Lloyd never did. He was concerned about the future of his business and more importantly he had seen odd behavior on Eleanor’s part far too many times. Early on, he asked her to move in with him a few times. After the honeymoon phase was over and he saw her bizarre behavior, he no longer asked. She promised to but never did.

 When Lloyd’s business finally failed, he got a job as a carpenter. She never said it but Lloyd felt that Eleanor lost a lot of respect for him. She couldn’t brag to people about someone who worked with their hands. Eleanor saw him less and less. To Lloyd, the handwriting was on the wall. Months passed with no contact—no phone calls returned, no emails, nothing. After five months apart, Lloyd decided to ask a woman out. Soon they saw each other every day. Christmas Eve eventually arrived. Lloyd was in his warm cozy home with his new love when the door opened. It was Eleanor who let herself in after seven months apart. Eleanor went into a narcissist rage screaming and hollering about Lloyd cheating on her. She started breaking things. That’s when police were called and Eleanor left. The cop found the story Lloyd told him unbelievable and said “Come on buddy. I don’t know you but you want me to believe your ex showed up after seven months”? Lloyd said “I’m trying to tell you she’s insane”.

 Tuesday morning Eleanor returned when Lloyd was at work. She ripped all of the wallpaper off the walls and destroyed everything in sight. Then she went to his workplace and screamed as loud as she could in front of customers. Security escorted her out. Later, the company issued Eleanor a lifetime ban from their business in writing. In the parking lot, Eleanor keyed both sides of Lloyd’s car. Eleanor had seen a parking permit on the girlfriend’s car on Christmas Eve so she knew where the woman worked. She went to the new girlfriend’s workplace. Eleanor embarrassed herself there too with her screaming and hollering. In lieu of prosecution, she signed a document titled ‘Lifetime Stay Away Agreement’.

 Lloyd hadn’t spoken to Melody in years but he was concerned about her safety in light of Eleanor’s recent behavior so he gave her a call. They had a lot of catching up to do. Then the conversation turned to their dad’s death. Over the years, Eleanor was more attentive to mud on her car than she was to her own father. Dad lived hours away. Eleanor and he talked about once every six months and more often than not the calls were incoming to Eleanor. That changed in the last year of his life. Eleanor told everyone that would listen of her scheme to defraud Melody out of her inheritance. She said because Melody’s children were a no show at their mom’s funeral, dad was cutting Melody out of the estate. About the only person that didn’t know of this scheme was dad. Lloyd was there once when Eleanor tried selling the scheme to her father to no avail. It backfired. Dad was pissed at Eleanor for trying to manipulate him.

 Eleanor began a campaign to have her dad make out a will. She even employed Lloyd, asking him to play the good cop in a rehearsed sales pitch. When that failed, she tried selling her backup plan which was for her father to consolidate multiple brokerage accounts into three; one for Eleanor, one for Melody, and one for him. Her father refused. He went mute. He was afraid of dying and this discussion was about death.

 Six months later, Eleanor’s dad called just to say he missed her. Eleanor worked him over and over about account consolidation. After they hung up, Eleanor screamed at Lloyd as if there was a grease fire in the kitchen. She hollered “There’s an emergency. I’m going to dads for a couple of days. Be ready in one hour. If you’re not, I’m leaving without you”. Lloyd asked “What’s the emergency”?  Eleanor said “Dad agreed to consolidate his stocks”.

 When they arrived in town, Eleanor stopped at the liquor store to get three bottles of dad’s favorite wine which she had never done before. That night Eleanor popped the cork on one. After a few glasses, she asked dad for his stock portfolio to begin the work. Dad asked “What do you need that for”?  Lloyd said to himself “WTF? We flew out of the house, drove all this way, and her father doesn’t even have a clue why we’re here”? Her dad said “I missed you and wanted you here but I never said I’d change my portfolio”. Grrrrr! Eleanor beat him up with non-stop guilt trips until he surrendered. The next day she brought him out to a big breakfast before heading to the broker. The last thing he said before heading out the door was “Now tell me again why we’re going to the broker’s office”. It was obvious he had no clue why he was going.

 A month later, Eleanor went to the doctor with her dad. Lloyd was ordered to stay home. She had never done either before. Her dad was given a clean bill of health. The doctor said “You’ll probably outlive me”.

 

-Chapter Four--

 

Upon Eleanor’s return, while unpacking her car, she asked Lloyd if he needed a quart of antifreeze, to which he replied “Yeah. I’ll take it”.  The day after returning home, Eleanor called her dad just to check up on him. That was odd since calls were typically bi-annual and now calls were measured in only hours. Why was she concerned about him since the doctor said dad would outlive the doctor? Dad didn’t answer the phone. The next day Lloyd pressured Eleanor to call again which she did. No answer. Eleanor refused to call again later saying “It’s his hearing or he’s taking a nap”. On the third day of not answering, Lloyd demanded that Eleanor call 911 for a welfare check. After four days of this, Eleanor said “If he doesn’t answer tomorrow, I’ll go there. Lloyd agreed.

 After the fifth day of not answering the phone, Eleanor had no choice but to go because Lloyd said he was going to go to check on her dad. Like a whiney child, Eleanor said “Oooookay I’ll go”. Lloyd was ordered to stay home. One block from dad’s home, Eleanor called Melody. In a hysterical voice she screamed “Oh God. I think dad is dead because he hasn’t answered the phone in five days”. Melody was pissed saying “Why in the hell didn’t you call me before now”? Then Eleanor pulled in the driveway and ran to the kitchen window saying “Dad’s lying on the floor. I think he’s dead”. She opened the door and checked for a pulse. In an almost disappointed voice Eleanor said “I have to hang up now. I need to call an ambulance”. The guy who was supposed to outlive the doctor a few days earlier, died shortly thereafter. Police investigated and did not find any sign of foul play but they didn’t know about the antifreeze so no autopsy was performed.

-Chapter Five-

 

Lloyd told Melody how odd he thought it was for her to have brought antifreeze home.  As they were talking, Melody Googled ‘antifreeze’. Google said that unconsciousness or death can occur in 24 to 72 hours if ingested even in small amounts. Another Google hit was about an antifreeze murder by a woman psychopath that said antifreeze contains alcohol which was disguised in the victim’s glass of wine.  Melody said “I was so stupid for not demanding an autopsy”. Lloyd said “Here’s another thing that is interesting.  I remember Eleanor saying that she was very concerned about being your dad’s health care proxy because there could be legal implications if anything happened. At the time I thought it was strange for her to say that. You’re supposed to be there for loved ones. Why would someone worry about the legal implications unless……”  Melody then decided to ask her lawyer to get her dad’s medical records. Before hanging up, Melody promised to keep Lloyd informed about what her lawyer turned up. To this day, it’s still an ongoing investigation. The last report was that there was talk of exhuming dad’s body to look for toxins but since it’s still an active investigation little information could be released. The only reason Melody knew anything is that she had to sign some papers for the coroner.

Melody told Lloyd that she wished she had done a lot of things differently.

 Melody’s lawyer learned that Eleanor had violated estate laws because, as executor, the estate was never in probate. Melody knew her dad’s signature and said signatures were not those of her father. Melody also talked to a stock broker who estimated that she should have received around $430,000 from the estate. Instead, she got $150,000.

 

-Chapter Six-

 

With Lloyd in her rear-view mirror, Eleanor needed a new narcissistic supply---somebody to blow smoke up her ass 24 x 7 telling her what a wonderful person the needy child inside was. She posted an ad on a dating site. The ad screamed ‘narcissist’. It said “I want, I want, I want”. It told of her many accomplishments, most of which were exaggerated. It went to great lengths to bad mouth her ex’s. Nowhere did it suggest that she might be loving or have anything to offer to another.

 A guy named Grant was surfing the site when Eleanor’s smiling face popped up. He looked at her photos and was impressed. She was pretty but not beautiful. What turned Grant on most are a woman’s laugh and smile. He read Eleanor’s profile and had a monumentally bad first impression. He clicked through to other ads. Not blocking her right there and then turned out to be the biggest mistake of his life.

 Grant’s wife died seven years earlier. After years of grieving, he began his search for a new mate. Dating sites made it easy to meet women. It was like shooting fish in a bowl. There was someone new weekly. He gained confidence and perfected his lines. He went to the DMV and three minutes later walked out with the clerk’s number. He went to Home Depot and spotted a woman with enormous breasts being assisted by a clerk and blocking the aisle with her cart. The clerk asked “Are you with her”? He responded “I wish I was. If I can get her number I will be”. In time he found that even women twenty-five years younger considered interacting with him. It all did wonders for his male ego.

 The longest he stayed with one woman was two months. It wasn’t to get more notches on his bedpost. It was because he was shopping and what he was looking for just wasn’t out there.  At first Molly looked promising but turned out to be a dud. One day while on a drive, Molly’s phone rang. It wasn’t on speakerphone but he could hear a man on the other end. They were setting up a date. Grant pulled to the shoulder of the road, walked to the passenger door, escorted Molly out, then drove off never to see her again. Molly obviously had no empathy for others and a sense of entitlement--both clear signs of narcissism. Back then, all he knew is he would never get involved with someone like her ever again. Or would he?

 Grant thought perhaps younger women might not be as set in their ways so he sampled them for a while. But none knew how to carry on a conversation and he had nothing in common with them. One night in his bed, a beautiful 32-year-old said “Before we begin, I need to tell you I have HPV”. He thanked God she was honest.

The next weekend there was a woman who had exactly the same measurements as Dolly Parton. In the morning she said “If this were to work out, would you consider having my son live with us”? All of these women helped Grant to finally figure out what he was looking for in a woman. He decided to continue using the dating site that he came to call ‘Life’s Leftovers’ but to screen candidates on the phone first. He revised his profile to read: ‘Looking for the last love of my life. Someone to share life’s joys and sorrows. You need to be beautiful but only on the inside. I love a woman’s laugh and smile. You don’t need to be perfect except to me. We both need to know the word sorry. Sacramento area only’.

 Eleanor’s photo kept popping up. Grant had no intention of ever meeting her after reading her profile and since she was three hours away near Fresno. He sent her a one liner that said “You have a beautiful smile”. She wrote “You look like Tom Selleck”. She had a sense of humor! She sent her phone number and said to call her that night which he did. They talked for four hours. She made a fantastic first impression as most narcissists do. She never laughed but instead giggled like a schoolgirl. He told her it wouldn’t work due to the distance. She said she loved the Sacramento area and planned to relocate to Vallejo in just a few short years. Her photos were only of her face. Grant wondered if she could be overweight and flat chested. He assumed he’d hear a dial tone when he gracefully asked if she was endowed. Eleanor assured him she wasn’t flat but she asked “Are you looking for just sex”? He said “No. I want a nice normal relationship and of course that includes sex”. In the years that followed, nothing would be normal about the relationship and once she was engaged and living with Grant, there would be no sex.

 

-Chapter Seven-

 

Night after night on the phone, Eleanor sounded more and more like the woman Grant was searching for. A few weeks later they both booked rooms at the Fairfield Inn Hotel in Turlock. Grant arrived first. He waited and waited. Finally, he saw her outside. She was bigger and taller than he had imagined. He could have left but he thought of the wonderful conversations they had. She walked gingerly toward him. Grant said “You’re much prettier than your picture” which is exactly what a narcissist wants to hear. His reward was for her to push her breasts into his chest and give him a hug. After checking in, she freshened up in her room. After a while, she joined him for a drink at a secluded booth in the bar. Rather than sit next to him, she sat across. Then she began what seemed to Grant to be an interrogation. She asked a question. As Grant began to answer, she cut him off with the next question. He thought to himself “Doesn’t she want to hear the answer”? The conversation was very unnatural. Grant passed it off as nervousness on her part. After all, it’s her phone conversations that got him there.

  After a few drinks, they went for a walk. She reached for his hand. He obliged. They both became more relaxed. Then they went for a romantic candle light dinner where he told her more than once how beautiful she looked. There was that smile. After dinner they took another walk. She reached for his hand again. After 30 minutes or so, Eleanor said “Why don’t we see what’s on TV”? After going through the channels, Grant shut the TV off. It wouldn’t matter if the Superbowl was on. Neither of them drove 90 minutes to watch TV. Eleanor asked Grant to scratch her back. She asked him to scratch under her blouse. Then she said the itch was under her bra so he unsnapped it. He scratched and gently kissed her back. This went on for ten minutes until she rolled over on her side exposing both breasts. They were magnificent. Her nipples were big. Her areolas were large and pink. He held and kissed them over and over and over. Then she said “Let’s get naked”. Grant said “You don’t have to ask twice”. She stood for Grant to undress her saying “Half the fun is unwrapping the present”. Then she laid down and rolled onto her back ready to receive him. It took him a second to comprehend that her magnificent breasts had disappeared. Gravity had claimed them. They kissed and made love. Then she showed a sense of humor. With each penetration, she stuck out her tongue. During withdrawal her tongue retreated. They laughed and laughed. Foreplay lasted an hour until both put their arms around each other and kissed until they fell asleep.

 Around three in the morning, Grant woke up with Eleanor engaged with him orally.

 In the morning he felt her fingers caress his face. When he opened his eyes, Eleanor was self-stimulating and told him he would have to be a voyeur until she climaxed. In ten minutes, he was allowed on the playing field. Eleanor was love bombing Grant and he loved every second of it.

 

Chapter Eight-

 

After showering in the morning, both packed up and went to breakfast. After eating, they talked and talked. Soon the lunch crowd came and went. A waitress turned out the lights and told them to shut the door when they were done. Inches from each other they alternated between talk and kissing.  Eventually the mood was partially broken with the ring of Grant’s phone. He was on call from his job as regional Director of Engineering for IBM so he had to answer it. He said “it’s mom”. Eleanor said “it’s okay. Answer it”. Grant greeted his mom. She said “Where are you”? On the tip of his tongue were the words ‘I’m in Turlock with the woman I will someday marry’ but he didn’t verbalize it. Instead, he said “I’m in Turlock with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known”. Eleanor smiled from ear to ear as she reached for his hand. After a few minutes, they got back to getting to know one another. Around four o’clock, a janitor opened the door and turned on the lights. Back to reality. They grabbed their luggage and headed to the parking garage. When she buckled her seat belt, there were ten more minutes of passionate kissing until a passing car interrupted them. He promised to call her that night to make sure she got home safely.

 On the trip home, Grant was in a trance. He was mesmerized by what had happened that weekend. He didn’t turn on the radio or stop for a cigarette until he was back in Sacramento. Sure, last night was beyond fantastic but what he had experienced that Sunday morning and afternoon just talking with Eleanor and kissing her was heaven. Grant wondered if this beautiful woman could be his soulmate. He felt like a teenager who was falling in love for the very first time.

 In the weeks that followed, both kept in touch daily talking for hours at a time. Two weeks later Eleanor drove to Sacramento for Grant’s parent’s anniversary. Everyone in his family was there. Grant introduced his daughter “Linda, this is the beautiful Miss Eleanor Johnson”. Both smiled. The day was wonderful and one Grant would remember for the rest of his life. Grant was in love at first sight and he was sure this woman with the beautiful smile was too.

 For nearly all the years they were together, Eleanor was his drug of choice. Like an addict, he wanted more and more of her. He missed her when they were apart. They flew to New York for New Year’s. They went to the Grand Canyon. They went to Florida in the winter. They were connected at the hip. One night Grant got on his knees and told Eleanor how in love with her he was and he couldn’t imagine spending his life without her. He said “The only thing I want to change is your zip code” to which she giggled like a schoolgirl. He said “Miss Johnson, will you do me the honor of marrying me”? Eleanor said “You’re a lucky man. Yes”. The plan was for them to buy a larger home after Eleanor retired next year, fix it to their liking, then have a big wedding.

 Eleanor went shopping for a ring. Eventually she found what she wanted. It cost $10,000. Grant’s friends all said he was nuts for spending that kind of money but he felt that it would show his devotion to her. Without Eleanor’s knowledge, Grant went house hunting. One weekend when Eleanor was there, Grant said “Honey, I have a surprise for you”. He drove her to their new home. As they were about to pull into the driveway, he told her to close her eyes. When they pulled in, Grant said “Okay. Open them”. Eleanor said “WOW”! It was a 2,500-footer in the burbs surrounded by trees in Arbuckle. There was a creek that ran through the property. Grant said “This is where we will spend the rest of our lives”. Eleanor was impressed. She loved its location. Room after room wowed her. The master was large enough to house 175 refrigerators and was multi-level with a balcony overlooking the great room. There was a fireplace in the den, a dining area, and a modern kitchen with an island. Eleanor said it was perfect. Both shared alternate weekends there for the next year.

 One day when Grant got home from work, Eleanor surprised him by showing up a day early. She was mad as hell demanding to know who the two women were at the front door. Grant was clueless. Grant worked out of town 50% of the time so he had a video security system installed. Eleanor knew how to work it and had spent the afternoon looking through footage. Eleanor saw two women on the front porch earlier in the week. They had literature in their hands. Grant laughed “Honey… I had a Mormon Church flyer in the door a few days ago”. Jokingly he said “It’s in the garbage if you want to see it”. That’s exactly what Eleanor did. She dumped all the garbage from the garbage can on the garage floor and proceeded to hunt for the hand out. Grant was flattered. He wrongly assumed it was her jealousy which showed her dedication to him. Not once—not one single time---did Grant even look at another woman in all their years together. Eleanor was his soulmate.

 One day Eleanor opened the door to the basement and walked down. She came running up. Grant asked what was wrong. Eleanor said “I saw something on TV that talked about a woman being kidnapped and kept in a crawls space dungeon in Roseville”. Roseville was only ten miles away. Grant said “Honey, that’s silly. Most houses have at least a partial crawl space like this one plus I don’t kidnap women. If I did, I would have kidnaped you decades ago”. Eleanor wasn’t reassured or amused. For months, Eleanor put an ironing board in front of the basement door. That way, if the ironing board fell and made a noise, Eleanor would know if there was a boogie man in the house. This was one of Eleanor’s many phobias. In time, Eleanor convinced Grant to sell and both would buy a home together without a crawl space. Grant had no choice if he wanted Eleanor, and he did, because Eleanor said she wouldn’t make the trip anymore to see him and he would have to drive every weekend to see her.

 For months they looked for homes. Eventually they found one in Woodland. It was in perfect shape. All they had to do was to repaint. But Eleanor demanded much more. She demanded extensive remodeling that would take over a year. One neighbor said they could have built a home in the time that Grant and his helper spent making the place the doll house that Eleanor wanted. Grant put $100,000 into the place. Eleanor promised to repay him 50% when they were done. He estimated he also put 2,500 hours of his labor into remodeling based on his helper’s bill.

 A couple of weekends later, Eleanor drove back to Grant’s place in Arbuckle a few days early. After a shower and packing, they got on the freeway then took 99 to her hometown for her high school reunion. They checked in, then went to the festivities. Eleanor introduced Grant to many of her classmates. The word ‘friend’ was never used. They had a nice meal and went to the bar. In walked her high school sweetheart JR who shouted over the DJ’s music to get her attention. Eleanor spent two hours with her best smile pasted on her face. From the opposite end of the room, you could count her teeth. On and off he had his arm around her (more on than off). Grant wasn’t the jealous type. He figured if she wants someone else, he didn’t want her. Grant was at a table talking to a woman. She looked at them and said “those two should get a room”. Grant faked a smile. When the night was over, Eleanor talked for over a half hour about JR. She was really excited and said “He’s the one I lost my virginity to. We had so many great memories together”. One inappropriate comment after another came out of her mouth non-stop. Eventually Grant said “You should not be saying these things to the guy who loves you. This kind of thing should only be told to your girlfriends….” Grant was pissed and should have stopped there but he added “If you had any….”. Eleanor screamed “You mother fucker! Are you jealous that I had fun tonight? Is that what it is”? Eleanor put a paper with JR’s email address and phone number into her pocketbook.  Neither spoke for the rest of the night.

 One weekend both went out of town for a wedding of a friend in Hunting Beach. The weather was perfect as was they lady on his arm that he had forgiven for inappropriate behavior far too many times. They talked about having their wedding there after remodeling was finished on their home and they were settled in. They danced all night. It’s the happiest Grant had seen Eleanor in all their time together. After the party was over, a dozen people went to the bar and then sat in the lobby talking. Someone asked a woman named Betty about a real-life murder at her home. Everyone sat up after that introduction. Betty said she rented her basement out to a couple named Ryan and Melissa and got to know them well. Ryan was the jealous controlling type. He pushed her around like a broom. Her cooking had to be exactly as he wanted it or he would punish her. She had to be home when he said to be home and on and on. Anyway, Betty said she went away for a week. When she returned, Melissa wasn’t there so she asked Ryan where she was. Ryan sucked at lying. His story didn’t add up saying she broke up with him and left the area. She had a great job. It didn’t make sense. One clue for Betty was that Ryan always talked about her in the past tense as if she were dead. With the passing of each day, Betty became more and more concerned. One day when Betty got on her riding mower, she noticed a large area of grass had been disturbed and new seed planted. Betty got off the mower and drove directly to the California Highway Patrol office and told police of her concerns. The next day, CHP got a warrant and a backhoe to confirm Betty’s suspicions. Betty’s worse fears were realized. Melissa’s dismembered body was found in a shallow grave. Ryan was arrested then convicted of murder. The son of a bitch had taken Melissa out back. In prison, Ryan was later diagnosed as a narcissistic psychopath.

 In the months that followed, it was obvious that Eleanor was really bothered about the graphic description of the murder. She Googled the story for a day to find all the gory details. For a month she was on social media telling people about it. When Grant’s family stopped by, she replayed the story over and over to them. It became another serious phobia that both had to live with. One time Grant asked Eleanor “Honey, do you want to go to the Outback”. His mistake was not to complete the sentence by saying Outback Steakhouse. Eleanor hollered “It’s not funny you asshole”. Grant apologized over and over and even stopped for flowers when he was out shopping later. Hours later she was still upset and said “You keep them. This isn’t funny”.

 Weeks went by. Eleanor seemed in a bad mood more and more often. Her favorite thing in life was kayaking. Grant bought a kayak and trailer so they could go together. He asked her to go kayaking. Eleanor said she wasn’t in the mood and wanted him to paint a room that day anyway. Eleanor helped with the trim. Grant said “Honey, you missed a spot”. Eleanor said “I’m not doing it”. Grant looked flabbergasted and eventually asked “Why not”? Eleanor retracted her arm and threw the paintbrush directly at him yelling “Fuck you asshole. I’m leaving”. Eleanor drove three hours back to Fresno. Multiple times each day, Grant called her but she refused to answer. Day after day Grant worried about his love. He just didn’t understand. After seven days, he decided to call local police to do a welfare check. Police called back and said she was fine. A few minutes later Eleanor called. Grant asked “Is everything okay honey? If I did anything to offend you, I’m sorry”. In a cheerful voice, Eleanor said “No everything is fine. Why would you think that it wasn’t”? Grant knew not to touch that one. He decided either to revisit it at a better time or to let sleeping dogs lie.

 One day Grant walked into their new home and Eleanor didn’t see him. She was on a phone call with somebody. She was talking gibberish then she paused to listen to whoever she was talking with. He didn’t want to interrupt her so he went about his business. Five minutes later she was still on the phone so he interrupted her with a quick question. Eleanor seemed disoriented and mumbled to him. Grant asked if she was ok. She didn’t answer him. Again, she was mute. Maybe changing the subject would help so he asked “Who were you talking to”? Again nothing. Then he realized that she didn’t own a Bluetooth and her phone was on the counter at the other end of the room. Eleanor was talking to an imaginary friend and would be seen and heard doing so many times again. Grant Googled ‘people that talk to themselves’. Google said ‘It’s found in people with a disconnect from reality and those with schizophrenia’. He chose not to embarrass her. He would bring it up at the appropriate time but there never was such a time.

 Remodeling progressed. The kitchen was finished. Eleanor made her first meal. Unfortunately, Eleanor’s cooking left a lot to be desired. To say it was bland was a compliment but he didn’t want to marry her for her cooking.

 

-Chapter Nine-

 

Grant’s mom was in the hospital suffering from stage four liver cancer. He had been there until late last night, and every night that week, but stopped back at the new home to open and mix some paint per Eleanor’s request. Grant’s cell phone rang. There was devastating news. His beloved mother’s body was shutting down. Grant shared the news and said “Honey, we’ve got to go. It’s mom. She’s near the end. Eleanor said “Go. I’ll be along soon”.

 At the hospital, he walked in to see his sister Lucy holding mom’s hand with one hand and a Kleenex in the other. Grant and Lucy hugged. Lucy said the nurses all say mom is not suffering. Hours went by in their vigil. More and more relatives poured in. Lucy said “Where’s your fiancé”? Grant replied “She’ll be here”. Lucy retorted “But she isn’t”. Grant called Eleanor and it went to voicemail. He left a message asking where she was. Hours went by and the priest came in to give mom the Last Rites”. Still no Eleanor. Lucy and Grant looked up at a machine that began emitting a continuous tone as nurses filled the room saying “I’m sorry”. They turned the machine off and said “We’ll give you all the time you need”. After ten minutes, Lucy stared notifying relatives on her phone. Grant picked up his phone and called Eleanor. Again, it went to voicemail. It was the worst day of Grant’s life and now he was worrying if his precious Eleanor was alright. Had something happened to her?  In a slow broken voice, he left a message “Honey, mom just passed…… After the undertaker comes, we’re all going to Lucy’s house. I’ll meet you there. Please call me and let me know you’re okay. I’m starting to worry about you. You told me you’d be at the hospital this morning and you’re not here yet. Anyway, meet me at Lucy’s, okay”?

 Dozens of people arrived at Lucy’s place. Every car that pulled in had plates of food. Lucy put on an old VHS tape with mom in it on the TV. People said they were sorry while holding Grant. Many stories were told of all the things she did for others and her knack for gardening. Eleanor’s safety was on Grant’s mind. He didn’t need the added stress. He picked up the phone once again to see where his lady was. This time she answered. In a loud and cheerful voice Eleanor said “Hi honey. What’s up with you”. Grant was floored. Hadn’t she listened to a single voicemail? Eleanor said “Well…yeah but she lived a long life”.  Grant began sobbing. He didn’t know if he was crying for his mom or because of Eleanor’s lack of sensitivity. Eleanor tried to console him by saying “Don’t worry. You’ll get over it”. Grant said “WHAT?? Where are you”? Eleanor said “Oh, I decided to go back to Fresno because I figured you needed your space”. There was a pregnant pause. Eleanor asked “Are you still there sweetie pie”? Grant could not believe he had to explain death to Eleanor. He said “At times like this, people don’t need space. Quite the opposite. People need their loved ones at their side”. Eleanor said “Okay. If that’s what you really want, I come back but you’ll owe me”. 

 Three hours later Eleanor returned. The word ‘sorry’ was never used. Instead, she complained about all the traffic. That night when they went to bed in Grant’s old house, he put his head on the pillow and stared at the ceiling asking himself “Who is this woman next to me? Who is she”? Grant rolled over and put a pillow over his head as tears streamed from his eyes without making a sound.

 

-Chapter Ten-

 

Grant knew something was wrong with Eleanor. He just didn’t know it was narcissism and would not know until around the time they went their separate ways. He sat Eleanor down and said “Honey, I need your full attention. I need to talk to you”. Eleanor said “Sure. What’s up”? Grant said “Honey, I think you need to talk to a therapist about…….”. Eleanor cut him off shouting “FUCKER! FUCKER! FUCKER! Who in the fuck do you think you are? Are you a fucking shrink? No. You’re just some little asshole that works in IT. You don’t know shit about shit”. Grant wasn’t a fighter. He always walked away from fights with Eleanor. Always! He stood up and headed for the door. His last words to her were “You are insane. You need a psychiatrist”. Whenever Eleanor was in the midst of a narcissist rage, her eyes were glassy and her pupils were dilated. Clearly the woman who had his ring on her finger was not the woman he loved all these years. After the door closed, he heard the muffled sound of “Get out of here mother fucker”.

 Grant wasn’t a drinker but he was that night. At the pub, he told Sam the bartender to keep the tequila bottle out and line up the Heinekens.  Then he asked Sam “You wanna hear the story of a crazy bitch”? Sam said “I’ve heard them all buddy. I had a guy in here last week who said his old lady squeezed his balls in his sleep. I doubt if you can top that”. Grant said “Don’t give her ideas”. Then he told Sam his tale of woe. When he was done with his first round of bitching about Eleanor, Sam asked “You say she was normal in the beginning and now she’s bonkers. Do you think she’s on drugs behind your back”? All night long the bar room therapist tossed out ideas. At the end of the night, he called Grant a cab as he headed to his sister’s house to spend the night.

 The next day, Grant went to the new house still hung over. Eleanor was there. He wasn’t even inside the door when she started with “Where have you been? Do you know that I had to work all alone this morning? I needed the ladder to hang curtains and where were you? You don’t appreciate anything I do. If you keep this up, I’m gonna stay in Fresno until you finish the whole thing by yourself. You don’t appreciate me. What’s wrong with you”? Grant decided to work on the outside of the house that day to keep as far away from his crazy whining machine as he could.

 In time things slowly got back to a new normal. Grant didn’t hold grudges with anyone. He believed that with enough love, he could get Eleanor back on track. He won her heart once so it made sense to him that he could do it again. Maybe the stress of remodeling and moving was more than she could handle.

 Finally, there came a day when the doll house that Grant had built for his lady was complete. After the furniture was set up, they were ready for their first night together in their new home. They went to an exclusive restaurant where each table had their own waiter. It was time to celebrate. Grant preordered flowers for the table with Eleanor’s name on them and a card. When Eleanor sat down, she said “What beautiful flowers”. There was no ‘thank you’. After they ordered their meal, Eleanor read the card ‘To the beautiful lady who stole my heart.  I told you the only thing I wanted to change was your zip code. Tonight, we will finally make that change. I love you. I will always love you no matter what. We’re not kids but that’s the way I feel when I’m with you. I love you. Let’s set a date for our wedding. Here’s to many happy years ahead. Grant’

 During dinner, they discussed their wedding plans. Eleanor didn’t have friends or anyone in her family that she spoke to so the discussion revolved around the church, reception, and which people on Grant’s side should be invited.

When they arrived home, there was an awkward moment. Grant wanted to carry Eleanor across the threshold but she exceeded 200 pounds. He tried to lift her but clearly it wasn’t going to work. So, he said “Let me carry your arms across the threshold”. Eleanor set her flowers down and Grant raised her arms until they were inside where they kissed. Both ran towards the bedroom where Eleanor said “Unwrap your present”.  Once they were under the covers, Grant gave her a gag gift. It was a female vibrator. Grant said “When you go solo, you won’t have to worry about calluses on your fingers”. Eleanor said “I’ll be dimming the lights in town with that thing”. It was the closest that Eleanor ever got to a real laugh in all their years together.

 In the morning, Grant snuck out of bed, went to the kitchen, and prepared steak and eggs for Eleanor. When he returned with breakfast, Eleanor was out of bed and said “Let’s eat in the dining room. We need to talk”. Grant assumed Eleanor was moving fast on wedding plans. He brought breakfast to the dining room, placed her flowers near her place setting, and when she sat---he put a bib around her neck and helped push her chair in. Grant said “This restaurant is here to serve you madam. Just nod and we will get you whatever you need”.  A few minutes into the meal, Grant said “What did you want to talk about honey”?   Grant had their song Endless Love by Lionel Richie’s playing in the background as Eleanor began to whisper. Grant said “Speak up honey. I can’t hear you”. Years later in therapy, Grant was told by the therapist, when a narcissist speaks softly—it’s to get the listener’s attention when they are in a narcissistic state. Eleanor announced “There will be no more sex and from now on you will sleep in your own bed down the hall”. Grant stopped chewing his food and eventually spit it out. He was in a state of shock trying to comprehend her words. He said “What did you say”? Eleanor responded “You heard me”. In the weeks that followed, Grant assumed that she would come around. It was bad enough to lose the sex. Even worse was losing the intimacy of a loved one. They used to talk in bed every night, hug each other, kiss, and start a new day together. That was very important to him.  It was all gone. That night changed their relationship from a love affair to two people being roommates. Grant never told her, but after a few weeks of sleeping in separate bedrooms, he decided to not marry her until she came around. She never did.

 

-Chapter Eleven-

 

If Eleanor didn’t want his love, he decided to share his love with a dog. He looked all over the internet for weeks for just the right one and told his friends on Facebook. Eleanor wrote “Absolutely not”—more narcissist control. She wrote: “I’ll have to feed him, I’ll have to bathe him, I’ll have to let him out, I’ll have to take him to the vet, and I’ll have to bring him to the groomer”. Everything was about her as it is with all narcs. A month went by and Grant was still looking. It was November when Eleanor said “What do you want for Christmas”? A dog was his answer. Eleanor’s control was getting old. Grant was going to get a dog regardless of her opposition and she knew it. Eleanor said “Okay, I’ll give you half the cost toward one but I have to pick him out”. That way she could even control the kind of dog he got.

 Just before Christmas, they went to a breeder and left with a Bichon Frise. Grant was having fun playing with the dog she named Ajax without consulting him. Grant didn’t know it until later but Eleanor put all the papers in her name even though he paid half. Getting a dog turned out to be a mistake due to the friction it caused between them. When they got home, there was a big steel crate for Ajax. Grant was against a crate but Eleanor promised it would go when he was potty trained. Eleanor built a plexiglass barrier across the door so Ajax wouldn’t get to the carpet and supposedly so they could have room to play with him in the kitchen.  Grant took Ajax to the finished basement. Eleanor screamed “You’re gonna clean up down there if he does his business and if I don’t like the way you clean up, I’ll hire a company and send you the bill. Do you understand”? Grant ignored her. Over and over Eleanor hollered “Do you understand”? Again, Grant ignored her.

 The next day when Eleanor was shopping, Grant brought Ajax to his home office. When Eleanor got home, she screamed as loud as she could “What in the fuck is wrong with you. I thought you were at least semi-intelligent. He isn’t housebroken yet. He doesn’t belong in your office”. Eleanor never missed the opportunity to add her (narcissistic projection) tag line “what’s wrong with you” Grant was seriously tiring of her control and starting to think of his options. He loved her but he wasn’t pussy whipped. He rarely swore. That night he said “Get the fuck out of my office or I’ll put a lock on it”. After dinner when they sat in the living room, Grant said “Eleanor, you haven’t been yourself for a long time. I worry about you. I think you need to sit down with someone”. Eleanor gave him the silent treatment (another narc trait) that night and most of the next day.

 Grant spent a lot of time teaching Ajax to do his business outdoors. In time Ajax got the hang of it so he told Eleanor he was going to take the Plexiglas down. Eleanor ordered him not to take it down saying she would take care of it. The next day she was teaching Ajax in the kitchen. The Plexiglas was gone but the obedience training wasn’t the usual sit or stay. Grant asked “What are you teaching him”? Eleanor said “I’m teaching him to stay in the kitchen”. Puzzled, Grant asked “Why”? Eleanor said “You don’t think I’m going to allow him on the carpet, do you? I spent $10,000 on that carpet and no dog is going to ruin it”.  Eleanor expected Ajax to spend his life imprisoned in the kitchen or his crate. Grant said “Absolutely not. Dogs are supposed to be companions--not prisoners”.

 Years later when Grant and Melody spoke on the phone, the kitchen dog prison came up. Melody told him that Eleanor had a dog named Pablo when she was young. Pablo lived to age fifteen. During all those years, he never once set foot on a carpet. He lived his entire life on the linoleum floor in the kitchen and hallway. When their family was in the dining room or living room, Pablo would walk up to the edge of the carpet and lie there with his nose inches away from the carpet.  Grant did not stand up for himself anywhere as much as he should have (due to narcissistic trauma bonding) but he always stood up for Ajax. It became a daily battle. There was no way to compromise. Ajax either shared their home as Grant wanted or he remained a prisoner as Pablo had. Each day Eleanor lost more and more of what she wanted most from Grant---control.

 Grant’s buddy, John, brought a pizza and a six pack for them to share on a Saturday afternoon. They went to the kitchen. Eleanor saw that John hadn’t removed his shoes so she screamed at Grant. “He (John) didn’t take his shoes off. You know my rules. Have him take his shoes off right this minute or have him leave and he won’t be welcome in my home ever again. You don’t have any respect for me. I work hard around here and you…you just don’t care do you”. Grant screamed “Get the fuck out of here you crazy bitch. How dare you insult my friends”. The shouting scared Ajax. He peed on the carpet but no one saw it except Eleanor. Soon Ajax was flying like a bird. Eleanor had picked him up and threw him like a football. She tried for the crate door but she missed. Ajax hit his head on the steel cage and cried and shook for ten minutes in Grant’s arms. Eleanor actually defended her bizarre behavior saying “He deserved it”. There was absolutely no remorse which begged the question ‘did she even know right from wrong anymore’?

 Arguing with Eleanor was futile. She never saw the point of view of others. Instead, everything was fuel for her narcissist rages which were happening more and more often. The next morning when Grant woke up, he went to the kitchen to make coffee. There was a paper coffee filter on a paper plate. In it was Ajax’s day-old excrement retrieved from outdoors. Grant grabbed Ajax and headed to Lucy’s house. He called his daughter Linda and asked her to join them. His phone rang. It was Eleanor. He decided to let it go to voicemail. Eleanor called back two more times within a minute leaving more bizarre messages.

 Lucy was a social worker and Linda was a nurse. Linda had taken many courses in psychology. Grant filled them in on the insanity in his home. He talked and talked. Linda said “Dad, I’ve never interfered in your life so I never said anything before now because I know how much you love her. But I saw signs from the beginning. She’s headed for a cliff. I don’t know when but she will crash and burn. But I guarantee you she will”. Linda was a lady and her dad never heard her swear. Linda offered a non-clinical evaluation saying “She’s fucking nuts”. Lucy agreed. Both said he needed to formulate an exit strategy.  Lucy said “She’s capable of anything. Knowing her, she might setup a hidden camera some night when you’re having sex, start screaming rape, then call the cops and play it for them”.  Grant didn’t mention that sex was a thing of the past but the point was well taken. Everyone tried to come up with a plan to get Eleanor help. It was a sort of intervention in abstentia. They all agreed that no judge would have the balls to order a psych evaluation and there was no way she would voluntarily ask for help. Two doctors could sign an order for evaluation but the problem is that she still had the charisma with strangers and seemed fine to those that didn’t know her as do most narcissists.

 Grant’s phone beeped reminding him of Eleanor’s three recent voicemails. When he played the voicemail, Eleanor screamed “You mother fucker get my dog back here. I have a receipt for him in my name. I have a dog license in my name”, all of which was news to Grant. The second voicemail was nearly identical to the first as was the third. Each time you could hear her narcissistic rage increase. Later when Grant moved out, Eleanor’s sister Melody filled in a professor of psychiatry at a prestigious university she knew and played the voicemails. The professor was very concerned with the voicemails. He said he believed she was psychotic. Not everyone with that label is dangerous but many are. He told Melody to get Ajax away from Eleanor for the dog’s safety. Melody asked “You think she is capable of harming the dog”? The doctor said “One of my colleagues had a patient with many of the same symptoms. He stabbed the dog to death then called the police accusing his wife of the crime. I’d need to study her more but that’s my impression”.

 On the trip back home, the day Ajax learned to fly, the radio played Love is the Answer. He gasped because he realized that no amount of love and affection could change Eleanor. A trauma bond with a narcissist is much the same as what victims of the Stockholm Syndrome feel. They both bond with their captors and feel compassion for them. Grant was finally starting to understand this and break free of Eleanor’s control.

 Grant got more and more tense as he wondered what kind of mood Eleanor would be in. His stomach was unsettled. He felt a headache coming on. He tried to remember what he had eaten that could have caused it but the only thing he had that day was coffee.

 When he got home, Eleanor was at the door screaming “Where in the fuck have you been? Do you have some woman on the side”? Grant walked toward her and asked for her hand. He pointed to her ring and said “See this ring? It means you are the person I love. You are the only woman in my life”. Eleanor said “Okay then you’ve gotta be a closet homosexual then”. There was no point in arguing. Grant was a lover, not a fighter. He headed to his office. Eleanor hollered “You sure don’t listen very well, do you? I told you yesterday we were going to work around the house today and you don’t listen, do you? You want me to do all the work around here and I’ll be dammed if I let you get away with that crap anymore”? Then Eleanor barked an order much the same as his drill instructor did when he was at Fort Jackson decades earlier. “Okay buddy, get the God damned vacuum cleaner and vacuum the living room for starters”.  Without the word ‘please’ somewhere in there, Grant chose to ignore her. Ignoring Eleanor always set her off worse than fighting.

Grant fired up his computer. As he waited for it to boot, he remembered his high school sweet heart had a degree in psychology. He Googled Donna’s name. On Facebook he learned that her husband had died. He wasn’t looking for romance. He needed someone knowledgeable in mental health who was impartial to help guide him. He instant messaged Donna asking for her email address so he could explain his situation with Eleanor. Just then Eleanor tried to kick the locked door in with her foot. He ran to the door to open it. As he did, she kicked again. The door flew open with the door knob making an indentation in the plaster wall. Eleanor screamed “What the fuck are you doing up here---watching porn”?

 Grant drove to the hardware store and bought a lock for his office then went to Best Buy and grabbed a Ring camera to keep an eye on his possessions inside. When he got home, he installed both. Eleanor was in the yard. After she came inside, she saw him finishing up and began screaming “I’m calling the cops on you mother fucker. This is my house and no little asshole like you is going to keep me out of it”. Grant grabbed a few clothes and spent two nights at Lucy’s house just to get away from the insanity. From there, he checked the camera. It was off. Either it quit or Eleanor had shut the power off to his office.

 

 

-Chapter Twelve-

 

Linda called. She said “Dad, I just got an email from your crazy fiancé. She said that she found chocolate in your office and wanted to report it to me. She wrote that it was supposed to be confidential and that you’ve been showing a temper lately. I know you. I know you have the patience of a saint—especially with her. She’s setting you up for something. I’ll forward it to you. If she wanted to communicate with me, she’d pick up the phone but she didn’t. Obviously, this is meant for cops”. Grant said “I put a lock on my door. Somehow, she got into my office even with a lock on it. She told me she would call cops if I put the lock on. Hey… I met some guy at one of your parties who is a cop. Can you call him and see if she called the police”? Linda agreed.

 A few hours later Grant’s phone rang. Linda said “I talked to my friend. Your hunch was right. He said he talked directly to Officer Jones who was dispatched to your house. It turns out that the Sacramento County Sheriff’s son was the one to go out on the call. The call center listed it on their call log as you stalking her with TV cameras”. Grant said “That SOB”! Linda continued “Jones told him that he knew she was Looney Tunes from the minute he saw her but he had no choice but to appease her. She took him to your office. She busted your door down with a sledge hammer to get in and fortunately she admitted doing it instead of blaming it on you. Then she went on and on about you watching her with the Ring camera. Jones asked her if it was her office and she said no it’s yours. They got your number from her and they tried to reach you to see if you wanted to press charges for destroying your property but you never picked up”. Grant said “I got a call but it said restricted so I didn’t answer. It must have been him”. Linda continued “Jones called his dad the sheriff to see if they should get a wagon to transport her to Sierra Vista for an evaluation but his dad told him that it was election season and he had a tight race. He didn’t need bad PR from some kook. So, they had the call center change the call from stalking to psychiatric”.

 That night Grant went to five o’clock mass and prayed. He prayed for a miracle. He asked God to end the insanity in his life. The answer was out of the hands of man. A few days later his prayers were answered---just not the way he wanted them answered.

 Eleanor had her old home on the market. There was a problem with the fuse box that kept making a noise and blowing fuses. She replaced the fuses with higher amperage ones. Eleanor didn’t want to spend any money on maintaining the house and ignored the problem. A neighbor called her to say there had been a fire at her home. Another neighbor noticed the smoke and called the fire department who got there in time to save most of the house. If the insurance company had known Eleanor refused to maintain her home, they could have rejected her claim but she fed them lie after lie. They asked why there was no furniture. They didn’t have to pay if she had abandoned her home. She lied saying she had things in storage while she remodeled. They didn’t believe her but they coughed up $100,000 anyway. For the next several months, Eleanor would live in Grant’s recreational vehicle that he parked next to her Fresno home. It wasn’t what Grant had asked God for but the time apart was just what he needed at that point in time.

 Grant was glad to be alone. All the tension and insanity in his life left with her. He began to think of the life he once had with Eleanor. She wasn’t always nasty to him. There were many times when they walked hand in hand wherever they went and had fun. It was mainly that she never in her life said she was sorry, never gave a single inch on anything, and most of all she refused to talk to mental health professionals so there was no hope of a better life together. Within days they talked on the phone but everything said was about her and her project. She invited him down but proceeded to give him a list of things she had forgotten to bring so it was obvious why she wanted him there.

 When she returned on weekends, she must have sensed that he was enjoying his new freedom without her constant control.  One weekend after returning home, she dumped the garbage can on the garage floor. She had seen part of a Little Caesar’s box in the trash and wondered what else he was doing behind her back. She hollered “I can’t leave you alone for ten minutes. You know I don’t like pizza…. so what do you do? You tempt me with pizza”. Her words defied logic. She was so crazy that she believed garbage in the trash might be tempting to her even though she didn’t like pizza and the only thing left to eat was the cardboard box anyway. Every weekend it was a coin toss. Would the old or new Eleanor come home, or should we say the sane Eleanor or the crazy Eleanor?

 One Friday night she hit a deer on her return home. When she arrived, she screamed for thirty minutes “That son of a bitch. Look at what that bastard did to the front of my car. Never did she have any remorse for killing the innocent animal. When Eleanor was done with her hysterics, she began making a sandwich. She was about to put two slices of bread in the toaster. Grant put a photocopy of an ultrasound on the kitchen table in front of her and said “I have great news. Linda is pregnant. I’m going to be a grandfather again”. Eleanor said “There are crumbs in the toaster. I asked you last weekend to clean out the toaster while I was gone. You refuse to listen to me. I’m very busy and you can’t be bothered to help out around here. I don’t know what I’m going to do to make you understand”. Grant went to the bathroom. When he returned, the ultrasound copy was gone. He asked where it was. Eleanor acted as if she had no idea what he was talking about saying “What ultrasound”? Eventually he found it in the kitchen garbage. Grant was pissed and Eleanor knew it so she said “How many times have I told you to not leave your crap lying around in my kitchen. If you do, I’m throwing it out”.

  

-Chapter Thirteen-

 

One weekend Grant was shaving and ready to get in the shower. He heard four-month-old Ajax crying and yelping. He thought maybe she had stepped on him. He went running. When he rounded the corner, Eleanor was beating him repeatedly with the palm of her hand which she raised above her head to get better leverage before striking a blow. As she did, she screamed “You son of a bitch. I’ll teach you to piss on my carpet”. Grant forced himself into her body to separate both of them. He grabbed Ajax and ran. Eleanor ran too. As hard as she could, she delivered a clenched fist to Grant’s arm. Grant was never violent but if there ever was a time that violence on his part would be justified, it was that moment. Instead, Grant hurled every insult he could conjure up. He thought of calling the police but police always side with the woman and Eleanor always scored an A+ when it came to lying. Instead, he got dressed and left with Ajax for Lucy’s until Eleanor returned to Fresno on Monday morning. Grant called the VA to see if he could come in because his arm was in severe pain from the assault. They got to him the next morning, gave him a shot and pills, then set him up for physical therapy which would last for three months. While he was there, he made an appointment to talk with a psychologist too.

 Eleanor called during the week but he refused to answer it or even listen to her voicemail. Instead, he deleted them without listening to them. Friday night when Eleanor returned, Grant shut off the TV then sat her down and said “I want your undivided attention. I want you to understand one thing loud and clear. If there is EVER any violence against either me or Ajax again in my entire life----it will be the end of our relationship. Do you understand”? Eleanor started to walk away but mumbled “Yeah, yeah”.

 

-Chapter Fourteen-

 

One week when Eleanor was gone, he decided to follow up with his high school sweetheart Donna who he emailed earlier. She had a degree in mental health and worked in a  clinic.  Grant had sent her the basics of Eleanor’s mental health status a while back. Donna replied with her phone number and a suggestion they talk about it over coffee instead of emailing. Grant made it clear that he wasn’t going to hit on her and the purpose was to figure out if Eleanor could be helped. They met at Barnes and Nobles so they would have comfortable chairs to sit and chat. Donna was there when Grant walked in. When he saw her, she looked as beautiful as she did so many years earlier. Grant said “God your husband was such a lucky man”. Unlike Eleanor, she had a fantastic sense of humor. Donna said “I see you’re still a bullshitter”. They spent most of their first meeting catching up. Eventually they got down to business. Grant told her his tale of woe. The professional Donna was, she frequently answered a question with “what do you think” or “do you think that behavior is normal”? When it was time to go, Donna said “Let’s go pick out a book for you to take home”. They went to a section on behavioral psychology. It took a couple of minutes but eventually Donna picked out a book titled The Narcissist in Your Life by Julie Hall. Grant said “Do you think that’s the problem---narcissism”? Donna’s answer was therapist speak “Read it and you tell me”. They hugged and went their separate ways.

 On the return trip, Grant was in a great mood until he started thinking about his fiancé. Both Donna and Eleanor were pretty. Both had a wonderful smile. But Donna had a real laugh, was cheerful, and positive. What stuck Grant the most is that he had spent three hours with Donna and not once did he feel the least bit threatened. To the contrary, he was totally relaxed the entire time. That’s the way it should have been with Eleanor. But it wasn’t. He glanced at his gas gauge and had a flashback to a much happier time. He remembered the time, years ago, when he ran out of gas because all he could think about was Eleanor’s beautiful smile. Back then, he loved her more and more each day. Now he loved her less and less each day.

 When he got home, Grant stuck his head in the door and called Ajax’s name. Both were in the yard walking when his phone rang. The message was that his uncle Joe had been in a head on car accident that morning. Joe was dead. Grant went inside and said to Eleanor “I’ve got bad news. My uncle Joe died this morning in a car accident”. Eleanor shouted “What’s wrong with you for coming in here with your shoes on”? Grant asked “Have you no compassion whatsoever”? He knew the answer before asking the question.

 Eleanor returned to Fresno to work on her house. She never wanted Grant’s help with repairs at her Fresno home. When he did offer, she was very defensive. She would always say something to the effect of ‘no-no stay where you are. You have more than enough work around the house with me here during the week’. The only time she would allow him to be there was when she needed something. Besides, she had a handyman on call named Bob Murrin. Bob’s name came up often with Eleanor praising him for his work and what a great guy he was.  One morning around 7, Eleanor called to say that she had lots to do that day and she would be too tired that night for them to talk. Western Union couldn’t have done a better job of telegraphing that Bob and Eleanor were going to have a sleep over that night. Most guys would have driven there to see what was going on but not Grant. Grant was beyond caring at that point in time. However, he did call just to confirm his suspicions. His call went directly to voicemail. Eleanor’s phone wasn’t the only thing she had off that night.

 When Eleanor returned home that Friday, she went to the kitchen to make a sandwich for herself. She checked the toaster, It had a couple of crumbs in it. Eleanor blew! She screamed “I told you Sunday night that you were to clean out the toaster. What the fuck did you do all week? You did a shit job mowing the lawn too. What’s wrong with you”? Grant ignored her which was not wise of him because that always made her madder. Then she barked “Take that hamper of clothes to my bedroom right now”. Grant had enough. He picked up the clothes basket and dumped them in front of her. Until then, Grant had always walked away from fights after a few minutes. Not so tonight. Eleanor’s eyes were glassy and pupils dilated once more. Grant hadn’t taken Donna’s book out of his car yet and read it. If he had, he would have known Eleanor was again in the midst of another, far too frequent, narcissistic rage. Instead, he semi-apologized saying “You and your insanity is taking me down with you. This has to end. What is it going to take to get you to a psychiatrist” to which Eleanor screamed repeatedly “fuck you” as Grant walked out one more time for the night.

 Not long thereafter, it was the third weekend in August. To Grant, family meant everything. He told Eleanor twice that morning that his grandson’s birthday party began at 3 and he was leaving at 2:45. Around 1 he reminded her again. At 1:45 there was no sign of Eleanor getting in the shower or picking out her clothes so he said “I’m leaving at 2:45 with or without you”. Eleanor blew him off with “whatever”, then went back to her computer. At 2:30 Eleanor got in the shower. Fifteen minutes later he said “It’s time to go”. Eleanor said “I’ll be ready in a half hour”. He waited until 3 and finally said “I’ll meet you there.” The party was only ten minutes away so it was no big deal for Eleanor to take her own car. Besides, he had waited well beyond the stated time and all she was doing was trying to take back control of him. Grant called her at 4 o’clock and asked her voicemail “Where are you”? Eleanor was a no show that day.

That night and the week that followed, Eleanor never said a single word about it. The narcissist playbook says one must 1-exhibit bizarre controlling behavior, followed by 2-intense rage, and 3-revenge. Somewhere along the way, Eleanor got derailed but only temporarily.  Her revenge awaited.

 

-Chapter Fifteen-

 

Two weeks later, Eleanor was on a hunt. While away, she searched and searched for the ultimate revenge for daring to leave for his grandson’s party without her.  The two weren’t speaking but out of the blue Eleanor called sounding in a great mood. Why was she normal acting? Bob crossed his mind. Regardless, Grant was always pleased whenever she exhibited any sign of normalcy at that point. Eleanor even called him ‘sweetie pie’. Instead of her filibustering about her life, she wanted to know what was happening with his. She was fishing. Somewhere along the way, he mentioned that Ajax wasn’t eating so he ran to Safeway to buy a different brand of dog food. This proved to be a mistake. The heavens opened. Eleanor went on a long dictatorial rant saying all kinds of bad things would happen to Ajax if he ate anything except for the brand that Eleanor mandated. It was all narcissistic bullshit. On the way home, Eleanor called four times leaving threatening voicemails. She even said “What do I have to do? Do I have to get a lawyer to write you a letter? If that’s what I have to do, I’ll do it”. When she got closer to home, she left a voicemail saying “I’m fifteen minutes from the house. I’m warning you---DO NOT HAVE YOUR DOG FOOD IN THE HOUSE”!

 John just happened to be there visiting when Eleanor drove in. John wanted to escape but Grant asked him to stay. She left her car running with its door open and ran as fast as she could to the kitchen where she found the unapproved dog food. She screamed as loud as she could. She dumped Grant’s new dog food. She was inches from Grant’s face. Her eyes were glassy and her pupils were dilated. It was another narcissistic rage? After about three minutes of it, Grant said “Come on John, let’s get out of here”.

That night Eleanor sent another email to Linda saying ‘Confidential. Today we were just sitting around having a nice lunch when your father said to me---out of the blue-- that he would take me out back. John was there’. It was then that Grant knew things would end soon. Eleanor’s ‘outback’ phobia from the wedding they both attended years ago was resurrected in fiction that day. To what end would be determined 139 days later before a judge.

 As Eleanor’s mental health declined more and more, Grant relied on Donna more and more. Donna invited him to her camp for lunch. Grant talked for hours about Eleanor’s history and recent events. Grant asked “What can I do”? Donna’s response was one single word “run”. It was not the answer he was looking for and asked “What do you mean”? Donna said “Some narcissists are self-aware but they are few and far between. The ones that can be helped tend to be on the lower end of the spectrum. These are the ones who know love. From what you’ve told me, your fiancé loves only herself. They are the vast majority. There is no magic wand that will bring back the woman you thought you knew in the beginning. She never was and never will be who you thought she was. In the beginning, they are all actors. They study their victims. They are like a vacuum cleaner that sucks in information about what you want in a mate. Then they take that information and transform themselves to become your Stepford wife. Once they have you, they trauma bond you. After you’re hooked, they go back to being who they were all along. So, the answer to your question is….. run. She removed her mask. Without it she is not pretty. She’s been exposed. Once she knows that you know her dirty little secret---there is no way to turn the clock back. Do you understand? She knows that you know she is mentally ill. Narcissists do not want help which means there is no hope. You need to prepare for a life without her. Focus on yourself, not her”.

 Grant asked “So she’s a narcissist”? Donna said “That part is very clear but from what you’ve told me, there may be other disorders in play as well”. I don’t want to scare you but you might want to think about locking your bedroom at night if you’re not going to leave”. Grant said “I already do” to which Donna asked “So you lost trust in her? Do you know what the most important aspects of a romantic relationship are”? Grant said “Love and sex”. Donna said “Typical male answer. Sex is secondary and from what you said, you lost that long ago. No, the most important aspects are love and trust and you just told me you lost trust.  You told me you loved the woman she was and hate the woman she became. She never was and never will be the woman you loved.  You, my friend, are in love with a ghost”. Donna knew of Grant’s appointment with a therapist at the VA and asked when it was. Grant said “Not sure but it’s on my calendar”.

 As Grant tried to comprehend her words, he glanced at the coffee table and saw an article Donna had been reading titled ‘Mold’s correlation to psychosis’. Grant perked up saying “You know, our home was full of mold. We spent a small fortune with remediation when we moved in. Our dehumidifier died and I never got around to replacing it so it’s starting to grow back”. Donna said “That’s written by some professor who got a grant for a study just to keep relevant. Families of cancer and mental health patients always cling to hope but rarely is there a magic elixir right around the corner. Maybe there will be in one hundred years but until then stick to reality”. Grant said “I’ve prayed a lot”. Donna said “Personally, I’m not religious but if it helps, go for it. Just stay away from false hope and assume that she will never change. If she changes, I’ll start praying with you. You can’t continue to be a punching bag for a bully. Make a list of all of the qualities you thought she had then go out and find the woman of your dreams. She’s out there”.  

 

-Chapter Sixteen-

 

For many weeks to come, Eleanor’s anger seemed to subside but like a dormant volcano, there was no way to predict when she might erupt. One day Grant noticed that Eleanor was no longer flushing the toilet after herself. This went on for days until Grant asked Eleanor about it. She got inches from his face and whispered “No. It’s you”. He had known and loved her for many years but her persona and words sent a shiver down his spine. His thought was that perhaps he was part of a science fiction movie.

 When he saw his buddy John, he talked about Eleanor’s latest bizarre behavior of not flushing. John hummed a few bars of the Twilight Zone theme then said “The phantom shitter. Some guys have all the luck”.

 Then Grant proceeded to tell John the latest—the Kleenex saga. Grant said “You may have seen my tiny transistor radio in the bathroom. It’s not much bigger than a couple of bars of soap. Anyway, she’s been flipping it on its back and hiding it under the box of Kleenex. The next day my radio is to the left of the Kleenex, to the right, or behind it. It’s Chinese water torture. John said “She’s fucking with your mind. When you think things can’t get worse, she seems to prove you wrong every time”. Grant said “Exactly. She has her own bathroom so there’s no reason to even be in my bathroom”. John asked “So what does she say when you asked her about it”? Grant replied “she said that it might give the wrong impression if visitors were to see it. I told her that’s bullshit and she finally spit out the truth. She said she didn’t like the radio because besides picking up AM/FM, it is capable of receiving short wave radio”. John hummed a few more bars of the Twilight Zone theme.

 The next time Grant saw Donna, he asked about Eleanor not flushing the toilet and her Chinese water torture with his radio. Donna said “That’s Gaslighting. Narcissists try to make you believe you’re losing your mind. They believe if they can get you to question your own sanity, you will become more reliant on them”. Grant said “That’s crazy”. Donna said “Exactly! Just a word of caution----with Christmas only a few days away---you might want to think of going elsewhere until it’s over. Holidays and important events like your grandson’s birthday was and that’s when they are at their worst. Plus, didn’t you tell me she crossed the line at Christmas with her last boyfriend”? Grant nodded but regrettably failed to heed Donna’s warning.

 Christmas Eve Grant brought home takeout Italian food as he was previously ordered to. He expected to see Eleanor in her Sunday best with hair styled and just the right amount of makeup because they had plans to attend midnight mass later. Instead, she came down the stairs in her pajamas. Her lipstick was smudged all over her nostrils and chin. Her hair looked as if it hadn’t been combed in days. Eleanor’s body motion was robotic. It’s hard to describe but if you’ve ever seen a Mooney, you know. There was no reaction whatsoever on Eleanor’s part. She never spoke. She looked as if she had been beaten mentally. He felt sad for her. He was an empath after all. Eleanor had everything going for her---a beautiful home, by then a substantial pension, a dog, and until recently, a guy that really loved her as much as any man ever loved a woman.  The only thing missing was the single word ‘sorry’. If she had used that word in earnest, it could have changed everything.

 Grant passed out the food, got the silverware, and poured the drinks. Eleanor picked up a single piece of spaghetti with her fingers then slurped it down. Grant tried to break the silence saying “Eleanor, why don’t we open the presents after dinner, take a nap, then go to midnight mass”? Silence! Grant knew the answer but asked anyway “Is everything okay. Look at me please… Are you okay”? She looked up slowly for a second. Grant saw her glassy eyes. Nobody was home. Eleanor picked up a knife and fork. Using the kitchen table as her drum, she played Stars and Stripes Forever.

 After Grant cleaned up the dishes, he couldn’t find Eleanor so he went from room to room. He found her in a dark bedroom lying on the bed. It was too dark to tell for sure but it appeared she was sucking her thumb. Before he laid down for a nap, he went to the bathroom. Five times that day, she had moved his radio but he chose not to bring it up because it was Christmas Eve. There was fresh urine in the toilet along with toilet paper. For the sixth time that day the radio had been moved. Frustrated and not knowing what to do, he took the Kleenex box and threw it down the basement stairs. Then he laid down on the couch for a nap.

 It wasn’t Santa and his reindeer that awoke Grant. Instead, it was Eleanor physically striking him over and over and over with a pillow while screaming “Where’s the Kleenex, where’s the Kleenex”.  As he awoke, it took a few seconds to comprehend what was happening. When he stood quickly, the blood rushed to his head. He walked to the door and stood there trying to comprehend the nightmare he was living. He said “You are insane! You need a psychiatrist”. He walked out the door and headed to Lucy’s house. Lucy answered the door and said “What’s happening with the crazy lady tonight”? Grant refused to talk about it until the morning but even then, he didn’t want to talk. At this point he began to wonder what was real and what wasn’t.

He called Donna Christmas afternoon. They talked and talked. Donna said “It will never get better. It will only get worse. How much more of this will you take before she becomes violent and from everything you’ve told me I believe she has that capacity”. I told you she is a narcissist. That is true. I also believe she is psychotic. You’ve probably seen the movie Gone Girl where the protagonist schemes for months just to drive her lover crazy. Eleanor is doing the same to you. She has a plan. You won’t know what it is until it’s too late”. Grant asked “Do you mean she wants me dead”? Donna said “There is no way of knowing. Some psychotics do kill”.

 

-Chapter Seventeen-

 

On December 26^th, Grant returned and sat facing Eleanor. She said “Hi sweetie pie. What’s up”? Grant said to himself WTF! Is this the same woman that was here Christmas Eve”?  Then Eleanor said “Why don’t we go for counseling…..” Her suggestion of seeing a mental health professional was a dream come true. Eleanor finally admitted there was a problem and at long last they could talk to someone about ending the insanity in their home. But Grant’s wishful thinking was interrupted as Eleanor finished her sentence  ……”to take care of all YOUR problems like your smoking”. After a pause, Grant said “I loved you but I won’t allow you to treat me this way ever again. I will not allow any woman to treat me as you have ever again. Our engagement is over. Our relationship ends right now”. Eleanor said “You’ll never touch me in court with your puny Social Security check”.

 Three days later Grant returned hoping Eleanor had given thought to the absolute certainty of losing the only person in the world that truly cared about her. Grant was sure she had but she didn’t care enough to even speak a single word. The word ‘sorry’ could have changed everything but it was never spoken. Later a therapist told him that ending communication or ‘going dark’, as she had, was yet another narcissist trait.

 He kept in touch with Donna who said she had a spare bed that was his for as long as he needed it. He took her up on her offer as he slowly got his head screwed on straight. He bought everything new such as clothes and a shaving kit. But he needed his blood pressure medication and had no choice but to go back home. He decided to bring Lucy who had a degree in social work hoping both could talk. When they arrived, Eleanor was out. She had changed the locks already plus she had put black garbage bags all over the windows. He called police to see if he could get a locksmith. A cop arrived and told him to call his attorney which he did. Then the cop left. As he waited for his lawyer’s call, Eleanor arrived and stormed into the house without saying a word. Grant called police again. When they arrived, Eleanor came out and repeatedly screamed “Arrest him, arrest him”. The cop said “I can’t. He hasn’t done anything wrong”. The officer asked Grant to meet him at a restaurant nearby after he interviewed Eleanor.

 When the cop finally arrived, he said “I know you probably think of me as just a dumb cop. But I majored in psychology at UC Berkley for a year before I decided that was not what I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing. I transferred to criminal justice. See the windows covered in black plastic?  That’s a pretty good indicator of paranoia. I only saw her for thirty minutes but in that time, I saw indicators of (looking at his notes) aggression, agitation, excitability, hostility, confusion, paranoia, incoherent speech, and rapid frenzied speaking. If you tell anyone I said this, I’ll deny it but those are all signs of schizophrenia. You need to get her to professionals but she said she hates you and will never speak to you again….so here’s what you need to think about. Talk to a lawyer about an Order of Protection or OP as we call them. That way you’ll get her into the system. If a family court judge sees what I saw, he can commit her for a psych evaluation. I ran her plates and license. They show this isn’t her primary address. I don’t know what that’s about but you’ll get her out of your home and into the system for evaluation”. Grant didn’t need time to think about it. He immediately said “I love her and could never do that to her”. The cop said “Okay then talk to your lawyer”. His love for Eleanor prohibited him from doing so. Doing as the Cop suggested turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of his life. Eleanor never knew love and had no problem seeking a phony Order of Protection against Grant shortly thereafter.

 

-Chapter Eighteen-

 

During the next year, Grant hired four lawyers all together. One lawyer even consulted with two retired judges. Another said “Tell me why you didn’t leave her sooner”. Grant said “Because I loved her”. The lawyer repeated “Tell me why you didn’t leave her sooner”.  Grant ran the idea of an Order of Protection past his attorney. He said “With my female clients, that’s always our first step as it is with a lot of lawyers I know. Guys are usually pissed and that’s all we need. Even if they’re not pissed, we tell they judge they are. We have an advantage in court from the start. Judges know it’s bullshit but their hands are tied. You’re thinking of getting one against her”? Grant said “No. I just couldn’t do that to someone I love”. The lawyer said “My brother owns a golf course. I guarantee she’ll manufacture something and get one against you. If I’m wrong, I’ll get you a free year at his club or I can start filling out the paperwork for the OP now”. Grant refused.

 Within days Grant went to the VA to talk to the counselor named Mary Ann as previously scheduled. Grant laid out all the basics for an hour to Mary Ann. She said “In my opinion, there is no doubt she is narcissistic but there’s much more than that alone going on. There are other Cluster B disorders here---most likely borderline personality disorder that made her paranoid and unstable. You said she has black plastic on the windows. That’s a clear indicator of paranoia. Talking to her imaginary friends is consistent with schizophrenia". Mary Ann then said to Grant “You are the victim”. That single sentence was monumental to Grant. He felt as if a giant weight had been lifted from his chest as he took a moment to absorb what was said. Mary Ann added “You were abused. What you’re feeling is known as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or CPTSD.  Being at the control of another person coupled with no foreseeable end in sight, can break down the psyche, the survivor’s sense of self, and affect them on this deeper level. We’ll talk more about this during your next appointment”. Before leaving, Grant showed her several photos of Eleanor that he had on his phone. Mary Ann said “See how she displays her lower teeth in every photo? That’s not a smile, that’s a pose”. What attracted Grant to Eleanor the most was her smile. Even that was fake.

 As dumb as it sounds, Grant missed the old Eleanor even through his darkest days. Mary Ann had finally given him hope. He wanted to fix Eleanor. He wrote her a few emails and left voicemails asking that they talk. He said he wanted to see if they both felt differently after a few weeks of separation but the deal breaker for Eleanor was his requirement that she seek mental health counseling. That was Grant’s only condition. But Eleanor would rather end their relationship rather than to seek mental health counseling.  Eleanor posted on Facebook “I will win”. There never were any winners in what followed---everyone lost. That afternoon, Grant was served an OP as promised by his attorney.

 In the weeks that followed, Eleanor’s rage spiked even more. She sat in front of the TV watching Judge Judy and every other trash TV show she could find looking for ways to seek revenge even though she was the one to ultimately end the relationship rather than to seek help.

 She became a frequent flyer with the police. A cop named Andy processed the majority of calls and got to know both in time. Eleanor called 911 to report that Grant’s friend John was hiding in the bushes spying on her on Grant’s behalf. She described John as having a long beard and long hair wearing a green sweater and red hat.  Andy became suspicious. If he was wearing a hat, how could she tell if he had long hair. After a half hour, Andy was able to get Eleanor to admit it was all a lie. In his report, he wrote “She didn’t actually see him”. He called Grant on the premise that he wanted his side of the story. In reality, he was trying to see if Eleanor was getting any help because her illness was so serious at that point that it was as obvious as the nose on her face. After Andy laid out the basics, Grant asked if they could meet in an hour at the station. Andy agreed. Grant picked up John and headed to the station. He introduced John to Andy and said “Tell him about your beard and hair”. John said, my dad died last month so I shaved my head and beard”. All that remained was peach fuzz. Eleanor had no way of knowing John had shaved before she filed the first of about a dozen false police reports. From that point forward, Eleanor’s credibility was shot. Police knew Grant was the victim of an unstable woman seeking revenge.

 

 

-Chapter Nineteen-

 

Grant needed to get his clothes and computer so his lawyer set it up so he could go through his home with police. The cop went first. He was ordered by Eleanor to take his shoes off but he said no. She whined  “uhhhhh….I suppose it will be okay this time but make sure you wipe them really well”. He did as ordered. She asked him to show her the soles of his shoes. He passed inspection and was allowed to pass. Grant felt like a trespasser in his own home. People describe the mentally ill as ‘suffering’. That is a misnomer when it comes to narcissists. Loved ones are the ones to suffer. That day Grant noticed that Eleanor had taken a cherished hand-crafted item that Linda had made for him and threw it in the trash. Many things were missing. It was at that very moment that Grant decided he would never again use the word ‘love’ in any same sentence with her name in it for the rest of his days. Eleanor had worked so hard for so long to destroy the love he had for her. Mission accomplished.

 The next morning a storm rolled in. The weather was gloomy and depressing. It was a bad day for Eleanor. She pulled her rocking chair to the window and rocked back and forth all day. By nightfall she was still there rocking. She was startled as the house vinyl siding began creaking due to the outside temperature dropping.  Her imaginary friends stopped by for a chat. One voice in her head reviewed the bad juju of the house. The general area where their home was located had been part of a Native American Indian burial site. There had been rumors of bones being discovered when their home was built decades earlier.

 The first occupants of the home were a young couple with two kids. After a few years, the wife developed terminal brain cancer. One day when the kids got off the bus, they came home to find mom with a rope around her neck dangling from the balcony above where Eleanor’s piano now sat. The second couple to own the house were middle-aged. He was working in the yard one day when a snake bit him. He washed the bite area off then went back to the yard work. He had intense pain within days but ignored it. By the time he went to a doctor, it was too late. His infected foot had to be amputated. Eleanor had a flashback to the day she went to the basement and saw a snake that had crawled under the outside door. Next to it were two of its offspring. Years earlier when it happened, Eleanor summoned Grant but by the time he got there they had disappeared. From that day forward, the back of Eleanor’s neck would tingle as she searched 360 degrees before proceeding to the basement. She knew snakes were hiding somewhere but the only place she ever saw them again was in her mind.

 Nightfall came and her imaginary friends left. She turned on the lights and sat at her laptop where she spent most of her days. She went to her favorite horticultural website. One of the few things that brought Eleanor joy were flowers. Grant used to help her outside with bushes, new trees in memory of loved ones, and planting flowers. But after hearing about the previous owner’s snake bite, she added snakes to her list of phobias and remained indoors all the time.

 

-Chapter Twenty-

 

A few short years earlier back in Fresno, Eleanor had worked her way to the top of the local botanical society. Eventually she was appointed to be a judge at the California Expo and State Fair. The prestige of the title of judge fueled her narcissist need for admiration by others. Eleanor was bossy to other judges and never missed an opportunity to tell others when they were wrong. One year at the fair, a florist and fellow judge had a minor disagreement on which award was to be given to a display. He was gay and had a lisp. Eleanor walked away from him mocking him in a lisp saying “Honey, I think we should make this one first prize”. That night the fair’s board of director were called and told of Eleanor’s indiscretion. They voted to terminate her association to them after 30 years together.

 Most people would just walk away but not Eleanor. She responded with a lawsuit. She needed to show that she was a friend to the queer some day in the future when the lawsuit was heard. She befriended a local gay guy named Brian who was also a florist and started grooming him to be one of her flying monkeys. She invited him to the house for dinner one Sunday night. Flowers were everywhere. Instead of her usual bland cardboard tasting meals, she put on a steak and had the wine ready. When he walked in, he complimented her on her hair and makeup then nervously chuckled at a fake rose in her cleavage. Her push up bra made her breasts seem firm and round. Little did he know (or care) that without the bra, they would rest at her belly button. After dinner, they sat on the couch drinking more wine. Eleanor sat inches from him and listened intently shaking her head in agreement at his every word even though she never heard a word he was saying. Her mind was elsewhere and she simply didn't care.   Eleanor was bi and just assumed Brian was too. She lifted her leg to an unladylike position and slowly moved inches from his face. Brian said “Miss Johnson, if I didn’t know better, I’d say you were coming on to me”. In her softest narcissistic voice, Eleanor said “If that’s what you want”. Looking down at her breasts, she said “Do you like my rose”? Brian said “I feel very uncomfortable. I need to leave”. He didn’t want to ruin their relationship so he uttered a compliment “If I ever decide to go straight, you’re the first woman I will call”.

 Days later, a neighbor named Bill called Grant to say the mail carrier left several letters addressed to him in the wrong mailbox and asked what to do with them. Grant had his mail forwarded for months but for weeks he hadn’t received any new mail so he was suspicious to begin with. He told Bill to hold the mail for him. Grant talked to the postmaster who checked the computer. After a few minutes, he said “Here’s the reason. You stopped the mail forwarding on March 23^rd so they’re being delivered to your old street again”. The problem is Grant had not asked for forwarding to be stopped. Donna knew everybody. She had a friend who was high ranking at the USPS Inspection Service in Chicago so she contacted him. He agreed to put the matter into the investigation queue. Investigators called to eliminate Grant as the person who stopped the forwarding. He was in South Carolina at the time and sent his credit card and bank statements that proved he was could not have been at the local post office on the 23^rd. Eleanor had motive and opportunity. On the morning in question, she had been on a video conference call with a judge in one case at her attorney’s office. The office was 1,000 feet from the post office. Later, Donna’s friend couldn’t say much other than hint that there might be surveillance video from the local post office confirming that Eleanor did it. Donna’s friend said “Eleanor could be looking at two five-year terms in a federal prison but chances are each sentence would run concurrently if convicted. But we are going to prosecute for sure because of the quality of our evidence. It sends a signal to others”. Donna told him that the illegally obtained information was included by Eleanor in a state supreme court document. He advised her to call the local DA. Days later, Donna contacted the district attorney and filled him in.  She told him Eleanor’s illegally obtained information (his mail) was included in her court filings. The DA promised to look into it and said Eleanor could face three years in state prison plus five years of probation if convicted down the road. For the time being, the DA waited for the feds to convict Eleanor or negotiate a plea. Since the illegal cessation of mail forwarding was a crime against the federal government and court submissions were a crime against the court, Grant didn’t need to press charges.

 Grant called his neighbor Bill to tell him the issue with the mail was taken care of and asked him to call if he got anything in the future. Grant asked “Have you talked with her lately”? Bill said “just about your antenna”. Grant asked “what about the antenna”? Bill said “you didn’t know she took it down? Yeah, she was here a few weeks ago asking for help taking it down but I told her I didn’t want to get involved so she told me she’d get some young woman friend of hers from church to help her. A few days later it was gone”. One of Grant’s attorneys who was knowledgeable in criminal law was later told the antenna cost $3,000.  He said Eleanor could get a year because it was a felony and a criminal conspiracy. She planned the crime, then carried it out with the aid of another.

 Grant asked Bill if there was anything else he should know. Bill had to think. Then he said “Did you ever close your RV door”? Grant mumbled “What the hell are you talking about”? Bill said “I thought you knew. Your RV door has been open for a month. I though you would have taken care of it by now. I’ll bet all the rain that got in did a number on it”. Bill abruptly said “I’ve gotta go”. Grant called 911 and asked if the cop named Andy could call him”. The dispatcher said “he’s on duty. I’ll have him call you”. A few minutes Andy called. Grant asked him to close his RV door to prevent further damage. Andy went out and attempted to close the door but needed the key to first open the door, then latch it, and then to relock it. He rang the doorbell. Eleanor answered and refused to give him the key saying “It’s not mine. I’m not giving you the key” even though she had the key having never returned it to Grant after borrowing the RV. For months she lived in it after her fire in Fresno and told others how grateful she was to Grant for his gesture. Yet she allowed the RV to be destroyed by the rain. Grant was powerless to retrieve it due to her phony OP.

 Eleanor received one last piece of mail before the post office resumed forwarding. Eleanor carefully steamed it open and read it. It was a receipt from the Sonoma County Clerk’s office. Eleanor learned that Grant bought a new home there to get as far away from Eleanor as he could.

 

-Chapter Twenty-One-

 

Grant hired an appraiser to get an estimate of their home’s worth in preparation of its sale. The appraiser’s completed work included photos of the interior. The photos showed Eleanor had removed everything Grant owned from his office. Grant called his criminal lawyer. The lawyer listed the likely statutes she violated along with the state’s sentencing guidelines. For this alone, Eleanor was eligible to serve six months plus five years’ probation.  Grant knew that Eleanor’s narcissist traits of a sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy for others would in time rack up the years she would be eligible to serve if convicted. So, he sat back and waited for her to self-destruct.

 Grant spoke with the appraiser who told him “The lady wanted me to change the date of my inspection. I hope that’s okay”? Grant said “absolutely not. These are court documents. They must be truthful”. The appraiser ignored him and falsified Grant’s documents anyway. Grant’s attorney later forgot they were tainted and submitted them to the court. The judge relied on falsified documents in determining a sale price for the home.  The criminal attorney said Eleanor could serve another year for that.

 Eleanor perjured herself in one court submission. That could add a year to her sentence if prosecuted and convicted. Much later in time, Eleanor told a third party “All it took was ten minutes on my knees with the appraiser and his heart and mind followed”. Was it true or was it just a wise crack by Eleanor? Only she and the appraiser will ever know.

 Grant’s attorney spoke to Eleanor’s attorney and was shocked to hear her lawyer say “When I first met Miss Johnson, my first impression was that she was nuts”. Such a statement from opposing counsel is unheard of. Grant’s attorney suspected that Eleanor wasn’t liked by her own attorney but her money was.

 Grant and Donna drove to Fresno one warm summer day to go through the Fresno County court records. Eleanor had nearly a dozen lawsuits on file. Maybe they could find victims of Eleanor who could tell the court their story in order to destroy her credibility—not that she wasn’t doing a good job of her own on it already. The clerk brought out two very large boxes packed with documents. Grant asked “Is this all her lawsuits”? The clerk replied “No. That’s only one lawsuit”.

 On the way home, Grant went through a scenic area called King Canyon. It was one of Eleanor’s favorite spots. Later he posted a photo on Facebook. After she saw it, Eleanor had a temper tantrum and refused to play nice with her lawyer. Very diplomatically, her lawyer told Grant’s lawyer that Eleanor refused to do anything on the lawsuits until the photo was removed to which Grant replied “Fuck her and the horse she rode in on”.

 On the ride home from the court that day, Grant compared Eleanor to the beautiful woman who was seated directly next to him, Donna. In a spreadsheet in his mind, Eleanor got failing grades for everything except breasts but even those were well beyond their expiration date. Elleanor’s drooped to her sides looking like deflated surgical gloves.  Donna passed with flying colors. She was everything Eleanor wasn’t. She was pretty, educated, and most importantly—sane. Grant reached for her hand. He didn’t let go for probably forty-five minutes. When they got to Donna’s place, they both headed directly to the bedroom which is where they stayed for the next sixteen hours.

 In the morning, Donna started breakfast on her electric stove. Soon the lights dimmed. It was another California brown out. Lights dimmed all across town. Grant quipped “It’s probably Eleanor firing up her vibrator” to which they both laughed. A comment such as that would have resulted in intense rage in Eleanor even if it was directed to another. Not so with Donna. While they waited for the power to come back, Donna brought cookies to Grant who was in the living room. He thanked her and took a bite. Then he paused. Donna said “Is there something wrong with them”? Grant said “No. It’s just that Eleanor would be screaming if I got even a single crumb on her precious carpet”. Flashbacks such as this were part of his CPTSD at the hands of a narcissist.

 Five times Grant had seen a car identical to Eleanor’s driving past Donna’s house at odd hours. Neither gave it a thought. One day Grant was reading the day’s news at his computer in Donna’s second-floor office at 5 in the morning. Out the window was his car parked in the condo parking area. A black Ford Edge passed, made a U-turn, then pulled next to Grant’s car. Son of a bitch! It was Eleanor. She found out where Grant was staying and drove the 20 miles in the middle of the night. Grant put his phone’s video camera on and started recording. Eleanor got out of her car with keys in hand. It was obvious that she was there to key Grant’s vehicle as she did to her last boyfriend Lloyd. Grant pounded on the window and got her attention. She sped off. Donna ordered two Ring cameras. Donna reviewed the footage over the next few weeks and saw a car that looked like Eleanor’s drive by at a snail’s pace eight times in the middle of the night.

 Donna was shaken. Grant called the police. A young cop named Harold showed up and listened intently. Donna said “I have a degree in psychology and worked in the field my entire life. Grant’s ex locked him out then got an order of protection over an incident that she dreamed up. I have no doubt she is mentally ill. I believe she is a narcissist and more. Narcissists need to be able to control their victims. One thing narcissists do is to ‘hoover’ which means to try to keep control of someone they lost power over. That’s what this is about. She’s scaring the bejesus out of me. I have no idea what she is capable of”.

 Donna showed Harold Eleanor’s online postings. Harold said “With these photos of your home and camp, she’s telling you she knows where you live. It’s stalking plain and simple”. In order to arrest her, she needed to be caught in the act again so Harold promised to get Eleanor’s license plate number and patrol the area more often. He called Eleanor several times leaving messages but she refused to answer the phone.

 That day Grant asked about the psychology of a stalker. Donna said “It’s more complicated to diagnose. A therapist needs her in the office to talk with her for a diagnosis”. Donna Googled the word ‘Stalker’ and read from an article. “Honey, you said she is very forgetful. Depending on how bad it is, Alzheimer’s is a possibility. Let me read this. Stalking is done to induce fear usually by those that are delusional. Those that had a prior relationship with the victim are almost always controlling. The stalker is usually an isolated and shy person, one who lives alone, lacks any type of important intimate relationship -- not just sexual, but friends or family, too. Stalkers with narcissistic personality disorder have very low self-esteem and the stalker feels that they're the most important person in the world”. Donna said “This describes the crazy lady to a T. I wonder about the Alzheimer’s though. Wouldn’t it be nice if she no longer knows you”? Grant laughed and said “I wish I never knew her”.  

 Eleanor posted to her Facebook page-- photos of Donna’s neighbor’s camp--presumedly thinking it was Donna’s camp. They drove to camp to make sure it was okay.  It wasn’t. The door was tampered with so they called police again. Police saw metal filings in the door knob’s lock and on the floor. The cop said “Somebody tried drilling this out. I doubt if it were a guy because nobody’s around until spring so a guy would kick it down. He wouldn’t waste his time with a drill if he wanted to break in. It must have been done by a woman or child but unless there are cameras around, we’ll probably never know”. The cop advised Grant to get his own Order of Protection against Eleanor. He did so the next day.

 Two nights later, Donna got a call that the neighbor’s camp was on fire but her camp was untouched. Later, fire investigators determined the fire was arson. Donna called them and asked them to consider the possibility that Eleanor might be a suspect and perhaps Eleanor got the wrong camp. They tried to interview Eleanor. She refused to talk to them and referred them to her attorney. The camp arson was never solved.

That Sunday Grant and Donna went to the church he had been attending since a time long before he ever met Eleanor. Eleanor hadn’t set foot in the church in over a year. Twenty minutes into the mass, Eleanor walked up to them from behind and started taking photographs of them, then sat at the front of the church. During Holy Communion, the most solemn part of mass, Eleanor photographed them at the alter receiving communion. She even had a flying monkey taking photos on her behalf. Not only were her actions inappropriate but from a legal perspective her and her flying monkey’s actions were stalking. It was clear that Eleanor no longer knew right from wrong. All she knew was rage.

 
 

-Chapter Twenty-Two-

 

Later that day at a family gathering, everyone bashed Eleanor. Linda said “From the moment I met her, I didn’t like her. There was something but I couldn’t put my finger on it”. A family friend said “My first impression was that she was full of herself”. Grant said “I fell in love with her beauty but she turned into a beast”. His best friend, Charlie, chuckled and said “Please tell me you’re not serious”? Grant wasn’t smiling. Charlie said “She’s not that hot. You usually go for lookers which is why I could never figure out why you hooked up with her”. Charlie’s comments haunted Grant so at his Friday night bowling league, he passed his cell phone full of old photos of Eleanor around to fifteen (15) guys asking if they would date her. All said she’s not my type, no thank you, and one quickly repeated no-no-no-no-no. Only one guy said ‘maybe’. Even Eleanor’s beauty was now questionable. 

 Grant called Eleanor’s former best friend Liz for ideas on how end the nightmare with the crazy lady. Liz said “If you don’t get your stuff out of there, you’re crazier than her. Remember how she destroyed her last boyfriend Lloyd’s home”? As dumb as it sounds, it took months of negotiations. But finally, after all this time, there was a date agreed to by lawyers. The date was the 24^th of the month which was only three weeks away.

 A few days later, Grant’s neighbor Bill called to say he had to call police on Eleanor. “I let my dog out and heard Ajax barking. I didn’t think anything of it. When I let him out after dinnertime, Ajax was still barking but he sounded like he was being tortured so I went over to see what the hell was going on. Your dog was tied up all day outside on the porch in 40-degree weather. The poor thing was suffering from the cold. I rang the bell but your girlfriend never came to the door so I called police. They came and took the dog to the shelter but they said she’ll probably get him back”. Grant tried calling his attorney but he was unable to reach him.

 Clearly Eleanor was mentally ill to all that knew her. Her constant intense rage and retaliation made her a ticking time bomb. No one knew exactly when she would blow or to what degree.  Eleanor had beaten and abused Ajax during the so called ‘good times’. Ajax’s life could be at stake if the dog looked at her the wrong way. When Grant filed a custody lawsuit against Eleanor, it truly was a life and death matter for Ajax. Who spends money on a dog custody lawsuit? Nobody…except Grant.

 The trial on Ajax finally came. The judge really didn’t want to waste his time on a dog.  Eleanor’s attorneys produced a cancelled check in her name, the breeder’s receipt in her name, AKC papers in her name, a groomer’s receipt in her name, and a vet paper in her name. Grant was floored! Eleanor had done all that behind his back. He trusted her for all those years and she screwed him again. Grant’s attorney produced a cancelled check but Eleanor’s attorney said “That was a gift to Miss Eleanor”. His attorney told of the police finding Ajax in the cold. Eleanor’s attorney repeated her lie “The neighbor was mistaken. Miss Johnson let the dog out several times yesterday. It was nothing more than a coincidence that the dog was out at the identical time the neighbor let his dog out. The judge said “I have serious cases. I’m not going to waste the time on some dog. I award the dog to the defendant. Shocked, Grant stood and said “Your honor! Miss Johnson is insane. She beat me in my sleep, she beat my dog twice, she didn’t flush the toilet for months, she….” The judge banged his gavel and said “You sir are out of order. You should speak through your attorney. Right now, you appear to be the insane party”. The judge banged his gavel one last time. The blood rushed to Grant’s head. The judge may have just issued a death sentence to Ajax.

 

 

-Chapter Twenty-Three-

 

After kangaroo court, Grant hollered to his attorney “I WANT THIS INSANITY ENDED NOW! I’m getting on with my life. I’m not going to allow this insane woman to control my life any longer. Put an end to it” Within a few days, settlement papers were signed giving the crazy lady, as Donna called her, everything except what she wanted most---control over Grant. The date to retrieve Grant’s stuff was moved up. He got a big trailer and lots of his friends to help. As he pulled up to the house, a cop spoke to him. He didn’t know it but Eleanor’s lawyer was a golfing buddy of the undersheriff. He asked the undersheriff to ‘find the most corrupt cop you have on the force’. 

 Since age 10, Grant’s hobby was photography. The most precious thing Grant owned were bins containing roughly 20,000 of his family photos.  He asked where they were. Eleanor said to him “they’re in here” as she pointed to a burn barrel full of ashes. Every paper he owned had been burned. Neighbors later confirmed that Eleanor had been outside for months burning papers.

  A helper opened a bin with clothes and said “Grant, you’ve got to see this”. Eleanor must have used a garden hose to soak the clothes, put the lid on, then let mother nature do its thing. Bin after bin was full of mold. One of his friends ran for his camera. Grant got his video camera and kept it rolling the rest of the time there. The corrupt cops refused to take a report on it and tried to intimidate him even though the cop knew he was being recorded. Eleanor had given 75% of Grant’s clothes and many of his tools to her friend Bob Merrin for helping move Grant’s furniture. His kayak had a hole in it. He asked the corrupt cops to take a report but they refused. One cop even committed a crime that could have put him in jail, would have cost him his job and his pension. Grant’s grandson overheard the cop encouraging her to keep his generator saying “that generator plug matches the outlet on the wall. Say the word and it’s yours”.  His couch had a knife mark in it but they refused to do anything. Later the CHP talked to the lawn care guy who had been paid to move the couch to the garage. He said Eleanor ripped it with a knife as they were about to move it. Grant’s RV door was still open. Its interior was destroyed. The list of damage at the hands of a crazy woman in a narcissistic rage totaled over $50,000. Eleanor could be the poster child for narcissistic rage, a sense of entitlement, and a lack of remorse. Finally, after everything was loaded and ready to go, Grant looked at Eleanor. Her eyes were glassy and her pupils were dilated plus she had that robotic body movement thing going on. Grant said “I’m gonna get you prosecuted for this”. Eleanor said “I’m not afraid” as she moved next to the corrupt cop and put her around him then his around her followed by a peck on the cheek. Eleanor had gotten away with crimes that could have landed her in prison for years. Or did she?

 Grant grabbed his phone and called the lead truck in his caravan driven by his brother. He told him to pull over and let Grant pass to the front. Grant then called the CHP. The caravan drove to the California Highway Patrol barracks. Sargant Clemmons came out with a crime scene investigator and greeted Grant. The two had talked many hours over the past year. They went through everything videotaping and photographing Grant’s damaged property. When they were done, Clemmons said “Are you sure you want to wait until the Order of Protection expires for me to turn this over to the district attorney”? Grant said “Yes. She’s not done. I guarantee it”. But the only thing Eleanor did was to try to get Grant back in court by filing a phony small claims case against his daughter Linda. When Linda got the case moved to a date following the expiration of the OP, Eleanor dropped it. She had done so hoping Grant would be furious in court at her and would have uttered a disparaging remark which would have allowed her to extend her OP against him.

 That night, Donna was going through the recovered property and found a clear sandwich bag of human waste. She freaked. Grant called the corrupt cop and asked him to include that in his report. He did so but wrote “Grant had plenty of time to have discovered it on site”. The corrupt cop’s inference was ‘perhaps Grant planted it’. A few weeks later, Eleanor’s sister Melody provided her DNA for a familial match. Sargent Clemons sent both off to the California Bureau of Forensics Crime lab. Eventually the results came back. It was a 99.9% match. Grant wrote a complaint to the California Attorney General complaining about the corrupt cops. He never heard back. So, each and every month he sent the same complaint over and over to the AG. He was confident that someday someone would read it.

 

 

-Chapter Twenty-Four-

 

Eleanor was sure the many crimes she committed would never come back to haunt her. The settlement agreement she signed with Grant included a clause that said all litigation was over forever between the two so he couldn’t sue her again. By opening Grant’s mail, she knew his attorney had drawn up papers that made it difficult, if not impossible, to sue him again. What she didn’t know was long ago the lawyer also drew up documents that transferred everything Grant owned to his daughter Linda. Eleanor didn’t destroy Grant’s property. She actually destroyed Linda’s property. If Eleanor ever raised her head again, she could end up in prison for that.

 Eleanor had too many balls in the air. Intense rage, rather than well calculated revenge, proved to be her undoing. A month later, two federal marshals went to Eleanor’s workplace. They were finally ready to prosecute on federal mail tampering charges. They asked her to turn around then handcuffed her. During her arraignment, Eleanor’s eyes were glassy, her pupils dilated, her body motion was robotic, and she was talking to her imaginary friends. The judge asked if she was okay as she rocked back and forth nervously. The judge asked for her plea. Eleanor turned in circles repeatedly with her head down. The judge ordered a psych evaluation. Finally, Eleanor would get the help she needed. Or would she?

 After a two-day evaluation, the psych center forwarded their recommendation that Eleanor be committed. The judge was on vacation in the Bahamas at the time and left his cell phone off. The center had no choice but to release her. When the judge returned, there was a big backlog of serious offenses so his clerk buried the evaluation and recommendation.

 

-Chapter Twenty-Five-

 

Eleanor was no longer attractive to most men. She gave herself on the first date but regardless there were few second dates.  Even in her youth, her physique was more that of a man than a woman. She had broad shoulders, her butt was lacking, she was too tall, and she had an apple shape. If she applied to a woman’s football team, she’d be the first to be picked.  Time had taken its toll. Now she was a gray-haired senior citizen. Worse yet, it was clear to all that something was wrong. For years Grant said “I know something is wrong. I just don’t know what it is”. Now it was as apparent as the nose on her face. Eleanor had an aura. Meeting her was like coming across a stop sign. Eleanor slipped into depression and barely functioned. The thought of suicide never crossed her mind because she loved herself too much for that.

 Eleanor was tired all the time and was sleeping much of the day. She placed a help wanted ad on Craigslist simply saying ‘household help needed’. But the ad in her mind read ‘cooking, cleaning, flying monkey, and narcistic supply’. A middle-aged woman named Penny responded. Penny was a good person but a bit of a ditz. Once Eleanor realized she was a people pleaser, she was hired on the spot. Penny assumed Eleanor’s fatigue was due to depression because of Eleanor’s numerous war stories. Eleanor was consumed by negativity.  She had a single-minded goal of destroying Grant’s happiness and had battle plans at the ready.  What bothered Eleanor the most at that point in time was one of his Youtube videos laughing heartily with Donna. Getting on with her life was not an option until she carried out her terrorist attacks against Grant then got a new narcissistic supply. Until then, she was in purgatory. Penny was Eleanor’s key to narcissistic heaven.

 Eleanor and Penny hit it off from the start. Penny talked about anything and everything. She was upbeat and complimented Eleanor. Penny said she was gay and was between partners. Eleanor said she gave up on men after Grant cheated on her which was a lie. She was the one to end the relationship after she was outed—not for her sexual preferences but for her mental illness. When Eleanor was in college, she experimented with other women a lot. She felt that a woman might understand her. Eleanor wasn’t looking for sex—just someone to tell her what a wonderful person she was. Her relationship with Penny grew each day. They were two peas in a pod and soon they shared Eleanor’s home fulltime. One hot summer afternoon, they both frolicked nude in the pool together. Eleanor’s large breasts became buoyant in the water and showed no sign of defect that they normally had. Penny became aroused. She put her arms around Eleanor. They kissed for the first time. For an hour they engaged in foreplay. In time, they got out of the pool, shared some wine, then went to bed to make love for their first time.

 In the morning, Penny woke up alone to the sound of Ajax humping his bed in the corner. She heard Eleanor talking to herself in an adjoining walk-in closet. Penny walked in to see her new friend standing naked in front of a full-length mirror. Eleanor said “Good morning sweetie pie. Did you sleep okay”? Penny was asked to scratch Eleanor’s back. As she ran her nails across Eleanor’s back, she noticed a field of cellulite that she had not noticed in the pool one day earlier. There was so much of it that treatment for it could have paid off a dermatologist’s college loans. The full-length mirror showed so many mounds of belly fat that if Eleanor had been on the Titanic, it never would have sunk. To say Penny was grossed out was an understatement.

 Penny didn’t have two nickels to rub together. Eleanor turned on her narcissistic magic--love bombing Penny saying “Honey, I really like you. I have a lot of clothes that don’t fit me any longer. I need space for new ones. I want you to have a lot of these”.  For hours Penny tried clothes on. When they were done, Penny must have had over a hundred new clothes. Penny said “Nobody has ever done anything like this before for me. Thank you”! Penny held Eleanor and both stood naked French kissing. Penny ran her fingers through her hair but they got caught in snarls. Penny picked up in a comb and brushed her hair.

 In just a few short months, they were talking about marriage. To Penny, Eleanor did not seem depressed any longer. So why was Eleanor still sleeping much of the day? Eleanor promised her new love that she would make a doctor’s appointment.

 Every Sunday morning Eleanor taught Bible study to a dozen ten-year-old students at the Cathedral of the Blessed Sacrament downtown. Saturday night she and Penny stayed up until 3 in the morning sharing their bodies and consuming a wee bit too much wine. Eleanor was tired, crabby, and hung over when she said to a young girl “Lisa. Please read Timothy 3-1”. Lisa read: “There will be terrible times in the last days.  People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient, ungrateful, unholy,  without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good,  treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God’s  power. Have nothing to do with such people”. Thirty seconds passed as Eleanor reflected on these words and her own life. Lisa said “Mrs. Johnson”? Eleanor snapped! She screamed “My name is Miss Johnson, not Mrs. Johnson. Get the fuck out of my room you little whore”. Lisa ran as fast as she could. Eleanor ran even faster then slammed the door hitting Lisa in the head with it. Lisa was dazed and fell to the ground. Father Vincent was directly across the hall teaching Catechism and saw the entire incident. Father Vincent grabbed Eleanor by the arm and pushed her toward an outside door as fast as a bouncer would. When they were outdoors, he hollered “You are no longer welcome at my church. There will be serious consequences for your insane actions”. He reached for his cell phone and called 911.

 

-Chapter Twenty-Six-

 

Eleanor and Penny went for a drive in order to avoid police questioning. After a thirty-minute ride, Eleanor parked the car and got a paper bag out of the trunk. Then they walked for ten minutes. When they got where they were going, Eleanor said “See that green house? That’s Grants. Take this bag and put it next to that dog house for his dog”. Confused, Penny asked what she was up to. Eleanor said “It’s dog food with rat poison.”.  Penny laughed…that is until she looked inside the bag that contained dog food and a white substance. Penny said “Honey, honey, honey please tell me you’re not serious. You’re frightening me”! Eleanor’s attempt to recruit a flying monkey to do her insane deeds was failing. Penny threw the bag in a ditch and grabbed Eleanor’s hand practically dragging her in the direction of the car. “Honey, let’s get a nice breakfast at Perkins. We need to talk”. Eleanor said “No! This is the time. Don’t you love me”? Penny replied “I do but we need to talk about this over breakfast”. Not knowing what to do, Penny said “Yes honey I’ll do it but not until after breakfast. Okay”? Eleanor eventually agreed. Penny’s mind was in a state of disbelief. During breakfast, Eleanor laid out all of the plans of revenge she had for Grant with Penny’s assistance.

 After breakfast, Penny asked to be dropped off at her mom’s house for a couple of hours. She was shaken and needed time to get her head screwed on straight. She called her brother who golfed with cops and judges. She told him what happened that day and wanted his advice. He only offered “don’t go back there with that nut” and “I’ll talk to my buddies tomorrow”. 

 Ignoring her brother’s advice, Penny got a cab back to Eleanor’s house just before dark. The two barely spoke that night. When they crawled between their satin sheets, Penny rubbed and scratched Eleanor’s back for twenty minutes. When Eleanor turned over, she gently rubbed her breasts and kissed them. Penny sat up quickly, startling Eleanor, then rubbed Eleanor’s right breast slowly. Eleanor said “What’s wrong”? Penny took Eleanor’s hand and moved it along her right breast, then said “feel that”? After a few minutes, Penny began crying. There was a large lump. Penny tried to assure her saying “It’s probably nothing but tomorrow we’re going to get you a mammogram just to be sure”. Penny held her all night. Neither could sleep. Penny’s thought was of her lover’s excessive sleep, her recent bizarre behavior, and wondered if the lump was related. Eleanor knew Penny was awake and said “Fuck cancer”!

 The next day they were able to get in for a mammogram. A day later the doctor called for an ultrasound. That afternoon was a biopsy. Friday both sat in the doctor’s office when they got the news. The doctor said he would confer with associates in his office and craft a regime of treatment within two days.

 That night Penny put a steak on the grill and baked a potato. When they sat down to eat, she tried to distract Eleanor with talk of her niece’s recent arrival of an eight-pound boy. Eleanor listened for a while then hollered “Shut the fuck up.  I may be dying and you’re talking about some kid I don’t know and don’t give a shit about. What’s wrong with you”? Penny apologized then reached for Eleanor’s hand. Eleanor blew. She said “Don’t you patronize me you little bastard. I was fine until you came in my life. For all I know, you could have poisoned me with your cooking. That’s probably what did it—your poisonous cooking”. Eleanor worked herself up more and more then stood above Penny screaming at her. Penny was shaken and went for her pocketbook to leave. Eleanor screamed “You son of a bitch! Now you’re going to abandon me when I need you. You’re no better that that son of a bitch Grant” as she picked up a steak knife and lunged at Penny. Penny ran as fast as she could but it wasn’t fast enough. Eleanor stabbed her in the shoulder. Penny ran to a neighbor’s house. All covered in blood, she screamed for help at the door. In ten minutes, an ambulance arrived as did police.

 Eleanor was booked, arraigned, then put in a cell. Her attorney bailed her out. It was obvious that she could no longer take care of herself. She begged her lawyer not to bring her to a hospital where they would likely put her in the psych ward. The lawyer had connections at the Chapel Hill Nursing home where she would be well taken care of and wouldn’t be put in a straight jacket or chained to a bed. It was Eleanor’s only option so she agreed.

 For the next two months, she bounced back and forth between the hospital and the nursing home. Eleanor’s doctors performed a mastectomy followed by chemo and radiation. Nothing could stop her cancer. It was discovered too late. Doctors ordered End of Life Care from that point on.

 

 

-Chapter Twenty-Six-

 

During her final day at the nursing home, Sally knocked on Eleanor’s door. Sally was a never say die kind of person who was back to get Eleanor to donate her ill gained fortune to the home one last time. Sally said “I’m so sorry honey. The nurse told me”. Eleanor said “Yeah I bet you’re sorry. Stop with the bullshit. You’re here to get my money. You don’t give a shit about me. Nobody does”. Sally asked “Honey, I see your sister Melody’s name as a contact. Can I call her for you”? Eleanor said “Fuck no”. Sally asked “Is there anyone else—a best friend---some guy in your life perhaps”? Silence. Eleanor had never been humble a day in her life and wasn’t about to start now. “Did you make your arrangements”?  Eleanor screamed “Go get me a nurse now. I need more morphine”. Sally returned a few minutes later with Colvin, the black male nurse that Eleanor hated. He had no love for her either. He was working an overtime shift that day.  When they walked back into Eleanor’s room, she shouted to Sally her favorite phrase “What’s wrong with you? I asked you to bring me a nurse and you bring this asshole. Get somebody to get me morphine now! That’s an order! And close the door”! Sally and Colvin left.

 Colvin said to himself “that son of a bitch”. He decided to go on his ten-minute break after which he called the oncologist to approve a higher dose of morphine since the IV drip wasn’t working. After the doctor called, he went to the pharmacy. They were backed up. Colvin said “No rush”. When he returned to Eleanor’s room, she was lying in the dark. Her eyes were glassy and her pupils were dilated. What was different this time was that her mouth was wide open.

 

-Chapter Twenty-Seven-

 

The undertaker received word of Eleanor’s passing and printed out the paperwork she prearranged. Eleanor was to be interned in her $200,000 mausoleum at Evergreen Cemetery following cremation. In life, Eleanor was always grandiose. She felt she deserved the same in death. For centuries to come, visitors would be in awe of this marble tribute recognizing her unremarkable life. There was even a solar powered video in her own image and words.

 The undertaker delivered Eleanor’s remains to the crematorium. Gooch was on duty. He was a hippie still living in the 60’s with long hair and a beard that greeted people with the peace sign.  He brought Eleanor to the oven, made the sign of the cross, then hit the start button. He went through two joints of Acapulco Gold by the time he dumped her cold ashes in a cardboard urn that awaited Eleanor’s undertaker. When the undertaker returned, Gooch went in the back to get the urn. Gooch said to himself “Oh fuck! Not again. Well…..Nobody will know”. Gooch had ashes of a Great Dane he had cremated that morning and Eleanor’s in the afternoon. Neither were labeled. Gooch said “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe” then handed the Great Dane’s ashes to the undertaker.

 Eleanor would spend eternity in the Sleepy Hollow Pet Cemetery. The marker read ‘Our beloved Great Dane Princess”.

 

 

-Chapter Twenty-Eight-

 

Grant’s phone rang. It was Melody with the news. Grant was both happy and sad at the same time. He hated the woman Eleanor had become. He would forever love the woman she once was and was glad that she would finally know peace. With narcissists, there is never closure. To them it’s all about control. Refusing to say good bye to all the people who once loved her before passing was her final act of control.

 Melody told Grant “Our parents never showed love. When I got married and had children was the first time in my life that I began to know of love. I had to sit with a counselor for months to try to understand it. Eleanor was the same but refused to talk about it with anyone”. Even after hearing Melody’s words, Grant found it difficult to believe that Eleanor probably never loved him because she had no clue what love was.  But Melody was right. The truth was that Grant was only there to be Eleanor’s ‘supply’ showering her with compliments and praise. Once his compliments came less often, the relationship was doomed. Grant said “It’s all beyond insane”. Melody said “I agree”.  

 

 

 

 

All victims tell the same story ‘I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what it was’. He or she was like brightest present under the tree on Christmas morning. After opening the present, it turned out to be a ticket to the Superbowl of insanity. There is one and only one option----leave it unwrapped and run as fast as you can! If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

 They say “God doesn’t make junk”. Anyone who has been there disagrees.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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