SYNOPSIS

Over and over I asked myself the same question: “Why didn’t I see it?” The answer is that I did see it but I told myself I was wrong. Why? The answer is that I was blinded by love.

When I was a teenager, a neighbor’s father told me ‘If your best friend tells you your lover is cheating, you won’t believe him and you will hate your friend for saying so. A decade after I fell deeply in love with her, I finally knew the truth. She likely cheated, and equally important, she wasn’t the woman I fell in love with. I hated these moments of clarity. I convinced myself “She’s not perfect but she’s perfect for me.” But she never was once she took me hostage. My raison d'être was to be her prisoner. Rewards were few. Punishment was the norm even though nothing was normal about our 'relationship'.

My love for her caused me to lose all objectivity. Not only had she changed, but she changed me also. Over the years, she cast her evil spell of control on me on a daily basis. I had become trauma bonded. Trauma bonding is a cousin of Stockholm Syndrome. I had become a coconspirator in her lifelong mental illness mistakenly described by her (half) friend as being a strong woman when in fact she was a child in an adult's body. My sins included being an empath or empathic person and being codependent. Codependents make the best victims. As a codependent, I was trained by my master to be obedient and to avoid conflict. As an empath, I set no boundaries and loved too much if there is such a thing. In many ways I had become an extension of her and her serious illness. Three mental health professionals opined it was so.

Narcissists come in many flavors. They have a sense of entitlement, a lack of remorse, have a grandiose sense of self importance, need excessive admiration, are exploitive, arrogant and haughty, believe they are special, and are envious and believe others are envious of them. You probably think of them as the trailer trash seen on the Jerry Springer show but most are high achievers with fancy cars and a wardrobe that equals that of Imelda Marcos as she had. She was successful but always introduced herself with a title she never achieved. Outwardly they appear to be extremely confident. Inside they are immature insecure children. Katie Couric’s book Going There tells how Katie fell in love with one. He was her dream—until he dropped her for no reason. She was his human yo-yo. He showered her with love and affection winning her back only to drop her again. Mine was less subtle choosing instead to dole out punishment on the long term payment plan.

They blow like a volcano over the least significant things in order to control their victims. In the time we were together, she never learned that I like mustard on hot dogs and ketchup on hamburgers. Once she served a hot dog with ketchup which was no big deal. I said “honey, let me add the toppings in the future please.” She went into a rage and screamed in typical narcissist fashion “I worked hard (microwaving a hot dog) and you don’t appreciate anything I do for you.” I went to the living room to eat a McDonalds apple pie for dessert using the bag to catch any crumbs. She screamed for five minutes about the disastrous potential of getting a single crumb on the carpet as if the EPA would have to be called for a toxic spill cleanup. This was my typical day for many years. I thought she wasn’t telling me what was really wrong with her so to hedge my bets I bought her flowers to make her smile. That was a serious mistake. I enabled her.

Early on when we lived apart, she visited me and asked why I had a Jehovah Witness pamphlet. I told her I found it in my door. I had a closed circuit camera so she asked me to teach her how to run the DVR. Within minutes I found that two women had left the pamphlet. For the next three full hours she scrubbed through weeks of video recordings looking for women at my door. I never cheated on her so I had nothing to hide. I was flattered by her jealousy but it was clearly over the top.

One day when we were out of town at her relative’s place, I ran out for a coffee at McDonalds. A pregnant black girl who was many decades my junior said she was about to go in labor. She asked patrons for a ride to the hospital so I obliged. I told her about it when I returned. Her reaction was the first clear indication of narcissism. She got inches from my face screaming and screaming as loud as she could for fifteen minutes. Blood rushed to my head. I was confused because something like this had never happened with anyone I loved before. If it were a man that did this, we would have finished the conversation outdoors. I thought about walking to the bus stop, going home, and never contacting her again. Unfortunately, I stayed. Staying told her she could act insanely towards me with impunity. Leaving would have set boundaries if the ‘relationship’ continued. She refused to say she was sorry for overreacting. In fact, she never said she was sorry for anything she ever did except to say “I’m sorry you made me mad.” This was a tiny wound. Over time I accumulated many such wounds that would never heal due to her continuing bizarre behavior.

I worked my ass off for 17 months fixing up our new home to be a doll house for the woman I loved. Narcissists use sex as a means of control as they do everything else. Early in our relationship she was slightly kinky during the love bombing phase and allowed me to photograph her saggy twins. The day after we moved in, she proclaimed that we would now have separate bedrooms and there would be no more sex. I thought she was joking. She was not. I thought she would come around. She did not. Regardless, I still loved her and that was what mattered the most.

Every couple has disagreements. Often even serious arguments turn out to be a good thing thanks addressing differences and the great makeup sex. In the end, normal couples end up being closer than before. The intimacy and realization of what’s truly important overshadows the primitive parts of our brain that led us to meaningless and destructive wars against those we love. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way with narcissists. Their brains are wired differently. It’s as if they all have hyperthymia. They never forget or forgive. She now criticized me for descriptions of myself in an online dating site where we met ten (10) years earlier. It’s analogous to a bathtub with a faulty faucet that drips. It may take years for a drip to fill a bathtub. When it finally does, the overflow is disastrous. They never forget. Worse yet, they never forgive.

Early in our relationship, we talked for a minimum of an hour on the phone each night. Sometimes we talked until well past midnight. As time went by, she piled on more and more crazy. Conversations faded as her maltreatment progressed and more importantly so did the opportunity for healing. I like to use the analogy of the phone man and the snake. A telephone repair man told me he opened up a box housing wires. Inside was a snake that flew out hitting him in the chest and startling him. I felt the same way with her. If I left the box closed, the danger inside was less of a threat. At the same time, less communication was the beginning of the end.

Now gun shy, I let her take the lead in starting conversations. She spent years researching her genealogical family tree. She cornered me for hours as I respectfully listened to stories of people unknown to me from the 17^th century. One day I asked for her help simply pointing me in the right direction to find my ancestors. She blew me off with “just Google it and you’ll learn how.” Narcissists only care about themselves. To her, I was now her possession. The only thing I lacked was a bar code to inventory her property.

After years together, my uncle died in a car crash. I stood in my kitchen close to tears as I was interrupted by the screaming of “GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN RIGHT NOW WITH THOSE SNEAKERS ON!” Such compassion! I asked her to participate in his funeral and was told “you’ll owe me big time.”

If I asked her to pickup something from the store when she was there, she would say “you’ll owe me” and “give me the cash now so I don’t get stiffed.” Her narcissism had as many signs as South of The Border did on I-95. I just didn’t know how to read the signs. She seemed sane until she didn’t.

One day we were painting a wall together when I said “honey, you missed a spot.” She screamed and screamed then said “you do it” and left. She drove to the other end of the state. She refused to answer the phone. After ten days I asked police to do a welfare check. When she called, she was in great spirits saying “hi sweetie pie. I was just busy.” I left the box closed.

Our last night together, she physically assaulted me in my sleep while screaming “where’s the Kleenex, where’s the Kleenex”, I said “You are insane! You need a psychiatrist!” When I returned on December 26th, she asked if I would leave and go alone to Florida. I knew if I did, she would destroy everything I owned saying I had abandoned my home. She then asked if I wanted to go to couples counseling. That was her only sane thought in years. For a second I thought there might be hope. But she blew it. She continued the sentence with----"so YOU can get help with YOUR smoking habit." We were at the precipitous. She refused to take any responsibility for her own insane actions and pushed our toxic relationship over the edge ending eleven years together. All hope was lost with nine words.

Her mask came off this day. Once they know that you know---it’s over! Rage and revenge is as predictable as the times of sunrise and sunset. Incidentally, this occurred on Christmas Eve. Holidays are when they are at their worst. Christmas was also when she unleashed her campaign of terror on her previous ex years earlier. She told me he died of a heart attack. He made an amazing recovery and told me how she went crazy tearing wallpaper off his walls when she had what he described as a psychotic break. Doesn't everyone destroy their ex's home? No. But people with a sense of entitlement and lack of remorse do.

Narcissists have a tendency to practice seasonal devalue and discard during the holidays, focusing these abuse tactics on their nearest targets and closest partners. Why do they do this? Because they have no empathy and cannot handle intimate relationships and are compelled to do what it takes to destroy others.

The characterologically challenged individual is hellbent on destruction, particularly relationship destruction, and even more particularly than usual, during a special day, like Christmas or your anniversary or your birthday. You may have the highest of hopes starting out, only to realize that once again, yes, the narcissist is accompanied by a dark cloud or a sinister plot to hurt you in some way. Source: Psych Central

An important truth was revealed in the aftermath with the help of professionals. She had not changed at all. She was likely a narcissist practically all of her days on this planet. She just disguised it well during the love bombing phase. They say ‘think of the worst person you’ve ever met. Chances are they are narcissistic’. She was both.

When you meet them, they are charismatic and turn on their charm as she did. They seem too good to be true. That’s because they are. They study you and memorize your wants and desires. Then you ask about them and you learn they seem to possess all the good things you’re looking for. They’re like an Amazon warehouse of goodies but the goodies are counterfeit. They freely give themselves to you, as she did to me within only five hours of meeting.

But what do they want? They want you to blow smoke up their ass telling them how handsome or beautiful they are. They need to hear how smart they are. They are needy. They need compliments and they need your soul because they lack one.

They aren’t as advertised. Their parents failed somewhere along the way. Her sibling said their parents never showed love. Like a page from Ripley’s, he said when he got married, he had to talk to a professional just to understand what love was. He said he’s sure it was the same for her. They are the world’s most insecure specimens. When they see something in you that they don’t like in themselves, they gaslight you in order to control you. Control, control, control is what runs through their cold veins.

One of the strangest incidents during our time together was the day my mother died. She refused to be at my side in the nursing home but said she would meet me at my sister’s home after mom passed. When the hour came, I called her and asked her to be at my side. She agreed. Hours passed but she was a no show. I called and called but only got her voicemail. Late that night she answered the phone saying “What’s up sweetie pie?” I was shocked at her heartless greeting. I asked where she was. She told me she was across the state because “I thought you needed space.” WTF? I actually had to explain to her that at times like this, it’s important to have family together. I needed her support and love. She arrived but only after everything was over. Later a therapist said “No five-year-old child wants to be around death”. That’s what she was---a five-year-old. They have cognitive empathy meaning they know what another feels but lack sympathy and compassion. They are sorry excuses for a human being.

When one of her parents died, she distracted everyone from honoring her loved one by holding a fundraiser during calling hours. Everyone was solicited to contribute to a fund to repair a relative's headstone that was to be rebuilt at a cost of $800. She certainly didn't need the money because she made $800 every two days at work. But it allowed her to be the center of attention and minimize discussions about the dead.

I knew two women who each struck and killed deer with their vehicles. These women were both close to tears when they recalled their stories. Both believed that deer were one of the most beautiful and magnificant creatures and harming them is tragic. Not so with my nex (narcissist ex). When my nex hit one, I had to listen to an hour long rant saying "that son of a bitch! God damn him for denting my car!" This is typical of narcs. She lacks empathy and compassion. It is all about self. Why did that deer do that to me?

Something happened in her childhood to cause this. Numerous times she told me what a negative self-image she had as a child due to being overweight. The NIH says girls aged 5 weight issues can have a lifelong negative mental health impact. She was still overweight when we met but I did not care.

When you make love to them you are in effect guilty of child sexual assault because they are a child in an adult’s body. She never had children and said “why would I wipe someone else’s ass then pay for their college?” I thought she was joking but she wasn’t.

Decades earlier, I admitted a family member to a state-run mental hospital. I recognized the signs and took action. Most of the same signs were there with my new love in time. For example, she spoke aloud daily with her imaginary friends. To criticize her for it would have meant a campaign of terror so I never brought it up.

Instead, for years she waged mini-battles prefaced with the narcissist’s self-reflection slogan ‘What’s wrong with you?’ Regardless of what I did, good-bad-or indifferent, I was criticized. She finally went off the rails on August 22. That was the day of my grandson’s birthday party. Family is important to me so I didn’t want to be late. Repeatedly I told her I was leaving at 2:45 but she ignored me. At the appointed time, I asked her to drive herself on the ten-minute journey instead of riding together. She was a no show. That’s when the train wreck occurred allowing her to declare war. My sin was ‘failure to be submissive’. Surprisingly, she never brought it up. Instead, she waited weeks until she was away. We were barely speaking so I was surprised she called. She was fishing for something to argue over. I gave her what she wanted. I told her my dog hadn’t been eating her brand of dry dog food so I bought a meaty brand.

When she returned home, she didn’t bother to close her car door or shut off her engine. She ran until she reached the kitchen slamming doors. She didn’t say hello. Instead she grabbed all of my dog food and threw it in the garbage and issued threat after threat in front of a friend. She challenged me with “what are you going to do, take me out back (and kill me)?” I’ve been accused of being a wise ass at times. I said “don’t give me ideas.” I refused to play her game and left. It was one of her many psychotic breaks and I didn’t want to play. She called my cell phone nonstop leaving bizarre threatening messages. I let it go to voicemail. These voicemails were later reviewed by a psychiatrist who said in his professional opinion, she was in serious need of a mental health evaluation and that my dog’s life could be at risk if he was in her care.

This stranger in my home was incapable of love of another so I found love at a breeders. From the very second I wrote the check for my dog, she implemented a plan to steal him from me. I was busy playing with the little guy at the breeder while she was busy falsifying the paperwork. She had the breeder issue the receipt in her name. She offered to set things up with the vet. I would later learn she put the dog in her name only at the vet. She registered him with the AKC in her name. She even got a dog license in her name. When I ended the nightmare years later, her planning made it easy for her to steal him from me. She had the paperwork to show it was hers even though she had falsified all of it.

That was not the first time she stole dogs owned by others. Her best friend's father had stage four cancer when he was hospitalized for a month. My nex offered to care for the dog until the man returned home. He did return home but was aided by hospice to reduce his pain and suffering. He asked for his beloved pet to be at his side during what would be the last three days of his life. You guessed it. The bitch refused. She would not return the dying man's dog. She said "I just spent $45 getting the dog groomed." Her best friend was about to call the sheriff and have her arrested. Only then did she give the dog back. Her best friend said the incident severely damaged their relationship. Years later she was still pissed and said "That bitch! What kind of person takes a dying man's dog?" The answer is a narcissist-psychotic with a sense of entitlement and lack of empathy. Her now half friend said "our relationship was never the same again."

What kind of person takes a dying man's dog?

Narcissists have three phases that are in their DNA. 1- is the love bombing phase where they are charismatic, study you, use sex to lure you, then fulfill your every desire, 2-devaluation phase: Passive-aggressiveness, Backhanded compliments, Excuses for poor behavior, Criticism, Stonewalling, Mind games, Name-calling, No win-situations, Lack of empathy and validation, then Ridicule and humiliation, and finally 3-discard:

According to a 2017 study, people with narcissistic personality disorder often have trouble maintaining long-term relationships. They tend to use people to prop up their sense of self, often due to a deficiency of parental affection in childhood. They think of others as objects to discard when they’re no longer useful. It was her belief that in effect people are tools. When you’re done with them, throw them away.

Here are some reasons why a person with narcissistic tendencies will discard you:

During the discard phase they exhibit disorganization of personality, mind, or emotions to impair normal psychological functioning and cause marked distress or disability and that are typically associated with a disruption in normal thinking, feeling, mood, behavior, interpersonal interactions, or daily functioning. This is the textbook definition of mental illness. Narcissism is listed as a mental illness in the American Psychiatric Association’s Bible, the Diagnostic Statistical Manual.

My narcissistic ex exhibited most of the above. Physical violence towards me and my property gave her extra points. In fact, the night I outed her saying "you're insane, you need a psychiatrist", I returned after ten minutes outdoors to find a knife within her reach. For that reason, I left. I am totally convinced she would have harmed or killed me at some point if I had stayed. Btw, TV's Investigation Discovery's series Signs of a Psychopath is must see TV. Their promo says: For every sadistic psychopath…there were signs: charm, narcissism, lack of empathy, impulsiveness, manipulation, and deception. These traits and others are the telltale Signs of a Psychopath. This harrowing half-hour archive series revisits some of the most brutal killers in modern history, reviewing news footage and the words of the killers themselves to see which terrifying traits each killer exhibited. What are the signs…of evil?

Fear, abuse, threats, and terror are words Elizabeth Smart used to describe her captors. I was subject to the same with my captor. As she cranked up the abuse, I complimented her less and less. A stranger filled the void by complimenting her hairdo. She was exuberant. Her tank was full for three days. My Narcissus sought fulfillment wherever she could get it including other men even though I was always faithful and loving.

The only time I saw empathy for another was when she wrote the following about her mother: Dad danced with a colleague from work and the woman's husband did not ask my mother to dance. She had to sit at the table alone and watched them dance. She didn't like it and let Dad know it for weeks. It was about respecting your wife and not leaving her in a awkward situation.

Respecting your spouse and not leaving them in an awkward situation? Hardly! During her class reunion, she spent the entire night with her high school sweetheart. He had his arms all over her like an octopus' tentacles on it's meal. Someone said to me "those two need to get a room" which was not comforting. The bitch was in heat. I thought the two of them were about to do it doggie style on the dance floor to the beat of Evil Woman. Fortunately, I'm not the jealous type. I figured 'if that's what she wants good riddance'. On the return trip she was so excited that you'd think she won the lottery. For a half hour she talked about how great her high school sweetheart still was until I finally said “this is the kind of thing you should tell your best friend---not the guy who loves you.” She got pissed and said “I had a great time tonight and you’re trying to ruin it for me.” Narcissists do not have empathy. Like the emotional five year old that she is, she wanted what she wanted and repeatedly tried to convince me that I hadn't seen what I saw. It was like a child repeatedly saying "no daddy it wasn't me that ate the chocolate bar" even though she had chocolate all over her face. I saw them writing and knew it was contact info they were exchanging so I asked about it and was told "he would never do that because he's married." Not the answer I was hoping for! I was hoping for her to say "I would never do that to you because I love you and we are engaged to be married." I asked "why wasn't his wife there?" There was no response. We never fought that night. We should have but I knew it was pointless. She would never confess to any mistake ever. Had I done the same, it is likely she would have assaulted me. It was bad for her dad to ask for one single dance but okay for her practically fornicate with another in front of a crowd.

One time a guy pulled into traffic causing her to slow down. She was super pissed and called police. She had me retrieve a video of it from the dashcam I bought her. When police arrived at our home, she replayed it over and over urging the COP to have him prosecuted to the full extent of the law. When the COP said he couldn't since he hadn't witnessed it, she promised to go to the district attorney. Her attitude was 180 when it came to prosecuting her.

She had a totally different standard when she violated the law . One day we were on cell phones together when she told me "God damn this cop. He's inches off my bumper. He's going to cause an accident." She was pissed. She was issued a ticket for cell phone usage and would have to pay a $200 fine. That night she went on a rant full of falsehoods. She tried to convince me she was eating a chocolate bar when the COP confused the chocolate bar with a cell phone. I asked her if she remembered that we were talking as the COP was pulling her over? She said "no we weren't. Really that's what happened. We weren't on the phone. I was eating a candy bar." She changed the subject when I asked her to check her cell phone history. She spent $1,500 hiring a lawyer to avoid paying a $200 fine. It didn't work and was ordered to pay by the judge.

I previously dated a woman who acted as insanely as my nex had during her class reunion. During a two-hour drive in the wilderness, she received a call from another guy. They laughed together and made plans for a date. Eventually I stopped the car, went to her side, opened her door, then said “get the fuck out of my car.” I left her at the side of the road. Today I wish I had done the same with my nex early on.

Many nights I would fall asleep on the couch while watching TV. She would watch a youtube video on her laptop only a few feet away with it cranked all the way up. I bought her headsets for this purpose. When I begged her to put the headphones on, I was told "if you didn't like it go in the other room." She was so respectful.

One day I and my dog played with a soft ball on the living room floor. There was absolutely nothing to break because everything was housed in cabinets. Inches from my ears, she screamed with the intensity of a fire siren "what's wrong with you? You are not allowed to play ball in the house. Do you understand?" I rarely swore but I did that day.

One night I was half asleep in my easy chair when she woke me barking "take this clothes basket upstairs now." She demanded that I say PLEASE before making a request of her. I waited and waited for duck to come down after she said the secret word 'please' but it never came. Instead she screamed, screamed, and screamed. I took the clothes and decorated the Christmas tree with them. She failed to see the humor in it.

Early one morning when she was out of town, she called and woke me up at 7 a.m. and said she will be working hard all day and not to call her that night so she could get rest. Could she see into the future? No! No doubt she sought fulfillment from another that night. They are all unfaithful. I had female friends but I never reciprocated. Lots of guys I know have the females as friends. She would never understand so I kept that to myself. Thank God for them. They are what kept me sane.

Another indicator was the shear number of lies she told me. They all lie. It’s what they do.

When the narcissist lies, he or she is trying to make themselves appear dominant. They lie for self-gain believing that telling mistruths makes them look smarter than the other person. Having a victim at their side who they can lie to provides them with a constant narcissistic supply, someone that fuels their sickness. When they impress their partner with their lies, they receive a rush or hit to feel better about themselves. Source

Her biggest whopper was when an insurance adjuster made an audio tape recording of her saying her flooded second home’s furniture was in storage as she prepared for remodeling. She also signed a sworn affidavit affirming it. In reality, the furniture had been in our home for years and her boiler had tripped circuit breakers for months so it was an accident waiting to happen. I urged her to spend $10 for a device that would turn a light on at 32 degrees. She instead relied on a neighbor to call when she no longer saw steam coming from her chimney. I’ve since learned that insurance companies do not pay for water damage if homes are abandoned. They certainly do not pay when homeowners fail to maintain known defective heating systems. Thanks to her lie, the carrier paid $90,000 for an unnecessary claim that would have instead cost only a few hundred to get her heating boiler serviced.

At one point she began an unhealthy obsession with fecal matter. One day I found a paper plate of dog excrement in front of my coffee maker in the morning. For the next six months she refused to flush the toilet after herself. When I confronted her about it, she got inches from me and whispered “No. It’s you.” I knew her and loved her for a decade but it sent a chill up my spine. The Phantom Sitter posessed my home. Incidentally, whispering is what narcissists do to get attention. Whispering is supposed to give their words importance.

A lawyer asked “Why did you stay with her?” My answer was “I loved her.” He repeated “Why did you stay with her?” I now know it was what psychiatrists call intermittent reinforcement. A gambler stays at the tables because once in a while the casino pays out. Once in a while she said things like “How was your day sweetie pie?” To me the question showed concern for me and ‘sweetie pie’ showed love. In reality, it’s only part of their trauma bonding bag of tricks. She could have cared less and usually when I responded she talked over me anyways.

One day she brought a dog home from a shelter. The minute she walked in, she decided to return it. The director of the shelter told her "nobody does things like this. What's the matter with you." Narcissists aren't accustomed to being on the receiving end of criticism. She repeatedly made phone calls to workers at the shelter badmouthing the director. Then she started posting attacks on him on Facebook. The shelter's board of directors voted to hire a lawyer to get a court ordered 'cease and desist' directive.

For three decades, her greatest joy in life came from judging others in an association she belonged to. It was a narcissists dream to get paid to tell others what is wrong with them. She made a serious error in judgment when she told a member of the board of directors of the association what was wrong with him. They fired her ass after thirty years with them. For a few months it was nice to have her rage directed at others instead of me.

When it was again my turn to be her bulls eye, she began raids on my office looking for contraband such as chocolate which was a prohibited item under her law. When I bought a lock for my office and headed that way, she physically dropped to the floor holding my leg with both arms while screaming that she would call the police if I put a lock on my door. She was in her own Twilight Zone and it was as easy to spot as the sun in the sky. Always were her pupils dilated. She had what is termed the laser focused narcissistic stare. Her body motion was similar to that of the Moonies. Conversations with her imaginary friends were more frequent.

As dumb as it sounds, I still loved her dearly and wanted to save our toxic relationship. I talked to many about institutionalization for her. Unfortunately, the laws had changed since I committed another so long ago. She lit her fuse and the only option was to let it burn. My hope was that police could take her into protective custody for a psych evaluation. In fact, the sheriff’s son reported in official police records that she was ‘psychiatric’ even without ever talking or meeting me. Unfortunately, that went nowhere and it would have gone nowhere if she were to be committed anyway. I later learned that grad students in psychiatry are taught that the best that can be achieved is for a narcissist to become a better narcissist.

I simply could not abandon someone I loved so dearly nor did I give it serious thought. Instead, I prayed for God’s help. He answered my prayers in a strange way. Christmas Eve when I was physically assaulted in my sleep, I had a moment of clarity. I decided that I would never again allow another to treat me as she had for so long. I ended the nightmare even though it was the very last thing I wanted.

In the time that followed, I learned from her ex-husband and an ex-boyfriend, that she followed the same script with them. Her husband said “She was emotionally unstable during our time together.” She destroyed her previous boyfriend’s home and car then went to his workplace where she went into a rage which resulted in a lifetime ban from the premises. The ex-boyfriend said they had broken up months earlier but she apparently never got the memo even though they hadn’t talked in months. Who does something like that?

I learned that her employer paid $50,000 when she physically assaulted a minor in her workplace. Her superior interviewed witnesses who said she did this when she was "upset." To save her job, she sued her employer for including mention of it in her personnel file. She won but not based on the merits. She won based on a procedural error. Her union contract required a procedure be followed in order to document wrongdoing.

She was threatened with arrest if she ever again communicated with anyone in a certain governmental institution following an illegal act.

On the way back from a trip, we stopped at a long lost relative of hers. I sat in the car for six (6) hours. Multiple times I hinted it was time to leave. I was told I was being rude.

Her ex boyfriend told me he explicitly warned her about the work a contractor she hired for a $25,000 project would fail. He knew because he did the same type of work. She told him "oh well....I'll just have to sue him when it does." When it failed, she sued him. She even hired a lawyer to sue her lawyer. In all, she had about a dozen lawsuits in multiple states. I spoke with one of her targets and got a totally different perspective from what I had been told for years. Control, rage, and revenge is in their DNA.

To the extent they believe they can get away with it, they manipulate, exploit, and violate laws and the legal system for their own ends while readily using those same institutions to constrain and punish others. No better example of this is the narcissist who lies and manipulates in court to punish and control regardless of the harm it does to others. (Julie Hall in The Narcissist in Your Life)

She Scotch taped a child’s hair because the child wasn’t living up to her expectations.

She refused to work until her boss gave her a parking space with her name on it. He responded with a multi-page paper on how to park your car in a parking space---treating her like the child we’re told they are.

When her boss interviewed for a job three hours away, she was there to torpedo his promotion. She passed around dozens of papers badmouthing him.

When she joined my church, she relentlessly criticized an incumbent flute player (with forty years experience) to me for having a lack of formal musical training. The flutist was in good company since none of the Beatles did either. She ranted to me about the musician's technical performance ad nauseam. Eventually her criticism got even more personal as her insults turned to the woman's wardrobe and hairstyle. This was all a rehearsal for next weeks services. When the time came, she unloaded on her victim offering her unsolicited and unwelcome criticism. The woman had offered her services free of charge for decades to the church but that day would be her last. The woman never returned to church again. My nex told me how pleased she was knowing this woman with inferior skills (in her mind) would never be heard again. Narcissists have a grandiose sense of self.

Then the day came when it was show time for her. She had a clarinet solo. The church fell silent. The first few notes were flat. Then there were more and more. People started looking around the room at each other. More flat notes. The two teenage alter servers began giggling. More flat notes. I wanted to crawl under the pews. I was embarrassed for her. I assumed she would call off the slaughter but she did not. More flat notes. Two other teenagers put their heads in their hands trying not to be heard laughing. I have no doubt the priest was praying for her but to no avail. More flat notes. It was the longest musical selection ever written or at least it seemed that way. The only person who would have enjoyed it was the flutist who had been driven away because of her inferior talent. The only thing the selection provided church goers was an opportunity to pass gas without being heard. There were sighs of relief when it was over. I don't know if it was her or faulty instrument valves but for sure it was karma.

Narcissists fear and despise facing their shame so much so, that their way to survive is to project their own shame on to those around them (narcisstic projection). As they continue to blame, shame, and criticize those around him/her, they are able to distance from their own shame. Narcissists are worried about losing control and becoming too vulnerable, because if they become vulnerable, they are susceptible to feeling their shame. Source

She really pissed off a worker in my home with derogatory personal comments as they were drywalling behind the desk where she now spends 16 hours a day. For years thereafter she complained that she was cold. When it was over between us, I learned that as a result of her insults, the workers 'forgot' to install insulation in that wall.

On a frigid winter morning, a mom with her three young children approached the entrance to her workplace. Like the Gestapo, she ordered them to halt until she gave her blessing to enter the heated building. The mother obediently waited for three minutes until the mother did what mothers do. She did what was best for her children and brought them in from the freezing weather zipping past the shell of a human being. Indoors my nex screamed “HOW DARE YOU DEFY MY COMMAND!” That statement screams narcissist. Control, control, control! The mother later said “I had seen her rage before”, feared for her and her children’s wellbeing, and reported the incident to management. She had balls! She sued the mother for making her look bad with her boss and lost. The mother's lawyer termed it a ‘common law assault’. She should have been terminated immediately. Unfortunately, Narcissus Houdini escaped again. Narcissists that aren’t held accountable for their actions become more and more empowered.

In her five year old mind, she was wronged by family. She was pissed that her brother was given their father's metal working lathe worth about $500 when he died. For years she told everyone that would listen how she would get EVERYTHING remaining when their mother died. The problem is that their mother refused to author a will which would now mean probate court would be required to disburse the estate equally. Her brother's attorney said she forged her mother's signature on documents to avoid probate. In order to totally control the disbursement of assets, she only needed to get her brother to leave town and not return. To that end, she ended her lifelong relationship with her brother only minutes after burying their mother. In a narcisstic whisper she taunted him over and over until she enraged him and he left. She called 911 filing a false police report then saying “I hope they handcuff him.” They never spoke again. She was then free to dole out the estate without brotherly participation or interference. She is believed to be a millionaire primarily thanks to the estate’s proceeds. In the 1950’s her parents received $80,000 from a deceased relative. Her parents were depression era children and saved every penny they could. The estate is estimated at $800,000 minimum to multi-millions. She gave her brother $150,000. In the process, she violated many laws according to her brother's attorney.

She has money but that's all she has. She no longer has family. She no longer has her best friend or any friends at all with the exception of her imaginary friends.

I ran across a video of her retirement party recently. Five other retirees gave speeches that lasted ten minutes. When it was her turn to speak, she bored everyone to tears spending an hour talking about herself and her accomplishments. At no time did she talk about even a single coworker. In all those decades at work, she did not have even one single friend.

Now it was my turn in the barrel. No amount of love would have changed anything. They are all on a timer. Her timer had gone off. With narcissists, it’s a relationship with an expiration date (10 years for her husband, 11 years with me). Daily she was hiding a tiny transistor radio I used in my separate bathroom while shaving. One day I found the radio was behind a box of Kleenex. The next it was to the left/right/or under it. For six months it was the drip…drip…drip of Chinese water torture. She said “what if visitors see it?” This was during Covid and we had no visitors. I explained to a therapist that my radio had a telescoping antenna and was told that some schizophrenics have a thing about antennas---especially antennas with aluminum foil. Did she believe my radio was communicating with spirits of the dead or another galaxy? I was living in a nuthouse.

She told me “I will never be with another man again.” But that is simply not possible. A narcissist needs a supply like fish need water. The supply must say ‘you are pretty or you are smart’. Love has absolutely nothing to do with it. They do not understand love. To them, love is only self-love. They love the way they feel after receiving a compliment. It’s a shallow existence. She couldn’t love me because she simply did not understand or feel love of another.

Paranoia is also an important element of narcissism. Three COPs saw it. One said “I’m not a psychoanalyst but black plastic on all windows suggests to me paranoia.” Another said other guys he worked with had seen it before and joked about it. He said “this is my first. Lucky me.” No doubt her paranoia helped fuel things. She told the lawn guy to beware of drones in the sky watching her.

As part of my healing, I played voicemails of her to a professional. The therapist shot out of her chair as if she was rocket propelled saying “Holy shit! She’s a psychopath” as if we needed more labels. Psychopaths tend to kill. Would she? Did she? A professor of psychiatry at a prestigious university heard the same recordings and opined to her estranged brother that she may present a physical danger to others. All I know is that she once returned from a trip with antifreeze in hand and received $1 million a few days later. I and her brother have debated on whether to tell that story to others. She must wonder if in the middle of the night there will be a knock on the door. If so, her paranoia is justified.

Her imaginary friends were said to be only one indicator of schizophrenia but an important one and urged her brother to do the impossible and somehow promptly get her evaluated.

To me, she will always be someone I loved as much as one human being can love another and I never wanted it to end. But if she doesn’t understand love itself, what’s the point? What more could I have given? Psychiatry tells us we the victims actually loved ourselves because the narcissist that was so great, amazing, loving, funny, sexy, and everything else we fell in love with---was only mirroring us in the love bombing phase. It’s not rape or incest—it just feels that way.

Hopefully someday science will find a cure for this disease. As of now they know that the amygdala in our brains is responsible for the best of the best in humans such as firefighters who risk their own lives and run into burning buildings to save others. They believe the amygdala may also be responsible for the worst of the worst---the psychopath and narcissist.

In nature, only humans murder for sport. Civilization survived thus far thanks to boundaries established by consensus. But what if the psychopath narcissist is the one to establish or enforce boundaries? One only needs to look at Putin. His sense of entitlement and lack of remorse is nothing short of insane. In Putin’s case, civilization itself is at stake. Putin’s “it’s all your fault” lie is universal in the fantasy world they live in in order to control. If Putin took possession of Ukraine, his war would continue elsewhere as did narcissist Hitler. In a narcisstic rage, there are no boundaries. Just ask Derek Chauvin.

If I had stayed, my daughter believes I would be in prison. Regularly my nex emailed my daughter reporting my bad behavior such as having chocolate in the home (hidden in a filing cabinet) and my purchase of a megaphone as a Christmas present to my grandchildren. In retrospect, the emails were nothing more than a paper trail for a future date when she likely would file a false rape or other bogus claim in order to seek revenge for my failing grades as her punching bag.

Ugandan President Idi Amin’s narcisstic paranoia was so extreme that he not only murdered his enemies but he killed those that were on his side as well. Then his chef cooked his victims for Amin’s protein serving as the ultimate form of revenge. I didn’t stay so we’ll ever know if something similar was my fate. Yes, that’s harsh to say and it is unlikely but not for the obvious reason. Female psychopaths usually use antifreeze, eye drops, or inject air through medical injection devices such as insulin needles.

Narcissism is on a spectrum meaning some have a little dash of it and others are extreme. A tiny dose serves society well. They are our leaders and job creators. Love him or hate him, Trump is their poster boy but unfortunately for the extreme element. Studies show that 40% of police are also club members. Derek Chauvin is a good example of the extreme in the fraternal order of narcissism. He absolutely knew he was subject to laws. But he had been conditioned by his bosses to have a long leash so when his psychotic break occurred there were no boundaries. In their rage filled narcisstic state, there is no line. There is only rage and revenge until a new supply appears on the horizon for them to subdue and torture one day at a time without their victim's knowledge or blessing.

Towards the end of our relationship, intense rage was a daily occurrence as my nex circled the drain. It was as easy to spot as an oncoming train. Our eyes blink 15 times per minute. Her eyes never blinked. Her pupils were dilated. Her eyes were glassy. Her body motion became robotic. She had the narcisstic stare. Then she doled out her punishment in the form of either physical or psychological abuse depending on her rage scale that day. 1-bizarre controlling behavior, 2-rage, and 3-revenge was who she was during her ‘trance’. The next morning, she acted as if nothing had happened and called me sweetie pie.

One day when she returned home, she dumped the contents of a garbage can on the garage floor and went through things. She screamed when she found a discarded Little Caesars pizza box. She warned me to never have pizza in the home again because she wasn’t supposed to eat pizza with her diet.

I have to wonder if Trump isn’t the trigger for much of what happened. Psychiatrists say narcissists become enraged when they see something in someone that they don’t like in themselves. She loathed Trump. He was a bully and she was a bully’s bully. One day she had our 100 watt amplifier cranked up so loud that my dog did a body slam in my office door trying to flee the intense sound. She watched CNN and MSNBC from when she got up until she went to bed. For years, several times a day she repeated “all it would take is one .22 to the head (of Trump).” After the first few dozen times hearing this, my response was “honey please don’t talk like that” but she wouldn’t even acknowledge me.

Earlier in our ‘relationship’, I hadn’t enforced boundaries thanks to love and conditioning. It became her green light for abuse. The more I gave, the more she wanted. As with narcissist Putin, she truly had it all ($100,000 per year income, ~$1 million plus in the bank, a beautiful home, my dog, and someone who loved her) but all she really wanted a slave to whip then discard.

Speaking of my dog, she didn’t give a shit about him either. She had a childhood dog that not once in the dog’s life was he allowed on carpet. His prison was linoleum floors or outdoors. She would not allow my dog on her precious carpets either but I did. One day he peed so she picked him up and threw him into the air like a paper airplane. His nose hit a steel bar on his cage. He cried for a half hour while shaking. Obviously, there were words. I was tempted to call police and regret I didn’t. She had absolutely no remorse. She defended her actions saying “he deserved it.”

We had field mice so she ordered me to get rat poison. I placed it in a locked shed outdoors. One day she left the shed open with the dog tied up a few feet from it. He ate some of the poison. I was irate over how irresponsible she was. She said “he’ll be okay. Don’t worry about it.” I got medication from the vet who said he could suffer liver damage even with a tiny amount. She simply didn’t give a flying you know what. She only cared for herself.

One day I spotted her in the city at the dry cleaners. I got out of my vehicle and attempted to give her a hug and said hello but she was unwilling to face me. She never said a single word and refused eye contact. It was if she didn’t know me or like a five year old who had been caught doing something bad. We're told they compartmentalize everything. She was in her own world that day.

As Christmas of 2019 approached, I began making plans for our annual party with my family. Usually fifteen of my friends and family attended. There was absolutely no one on her side there because she ended her relationship with her brother and her only friend on earth never fully got over her attempt to steal her dying father's dog. She whined that she didn't want to to be burdened with cooking for my family. I was good with that because I didn't want to hear line "you owe me big time." So I planned to have it catered. But that would have meant a loss of control for her so she eventually volunteered. She had to run the show from A to Z in order to show off the material possessions she had amassed in the last twelve months and to exhibit what a wonderful person she was for allowing others to visit my home. Narcissists are at their worst during holidays and she was on script that year.

People began arriving. My son is learning disabled. He was happy and had a smile from ear to ear as he walked in and handed her a very special present that cost him more than he could afford. She SCREAMED AS LOUD AS SHE COULD "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU! GET OUT OF HERE! YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN MY HOME WITH SHOES ON!" His smile turned to a frown. He retreated. He ran out the door in tears. I had to run to catch him. I and my daughter talked to him for ten minutes until we were able to calm him down and get him to return. Everyone whispered to me comments such as "she's a real asshole" or "that's not normal---you need to get her help." I wanted to scream but I didn't. She had ruined the party for everyone. One person said they wouldn't be back with her in the house. She checked most of the boxs: self centered, a sense of entitlement, need for admiration, disagreeable, superficial charm, resistant to criticism, callous, unemotional, externalized anger, distrusting, insecure, shame, hypersensitive to criticism, defensive, cold, and unforgiving. A psychopath, as one mental health professional described her, is a narcissist with four additional traits. A list is at the end of this document.

She was obsessed with carpets. Even if anyone got a speck of dirt on the carpet, she had a totally automated vacuum cleaner that ran daily and an automated scrubber that was run weekly. No human intervention was required. It all began with her childhood dog that was never allowed on carpet in his 16 years. My dog was assaulted twice for peeing on carpeting. I was assaulted with a blow to the shoulder (that required treatment and months of physical therapy) while saving my dog during a beating. The monster had been exposed that day for all to see. I had the answer to the question "what kind of person steals a dying man's dog?"

Even when my nightmare ended, I was still from Mars thanks to my trauma bonding. I still wanted to fix her. I talked to anyone who would listen trying to get her help. I happened to mention to a COP how she assaulted me twice. He advised me to get a Protective Order against her. I told him “I could never do that to someone I love.” Failing to listen to him was the biggest mistake of my life. She got one against me---not for something I did---but because a friend of her friend had a tenant who murdered his wife three hundred miles away several years ago. Close enough! For years the murder bothered her and she told anyone who would listen. She told a judge the story and said she lived in fear. She just omitted the part about it was the actions of another—not me. How was I a threat? I had ended the relationship and moved out for my own safety. I had witnesses that would have proven her lie but my lawyer didn’t want to go down that road--another mistake. The system is FUBAR! There does not have to be a single shred of evidence for a Protective Order. In fact, a judge issued an order against David Letterman because an insane TV viewer believed Letterman was talking to her through her TV. 82% of all orders are false and are used to gain a competitive advantage during a divorce, breakup, or for child custody. What kind of person does that? The answer is the same kind of person that steals a dying man’s dog.

A protective order is the nuclear option. There is no ‘fixin things’ from that point forward. So, I eventually moved in with a woman who happened to be sane. Soon she had to call police. My nex was stalking her online and in person outside her home and camp so I got an order against her.

Years earlier she had adisagreement with a NYC detective. He did what COPs do and turned on the intimidation. She didn’t like that and sought revenge by getting a Protective Order against him. I was in good company. I learned her first bogus Protective Order application was against her husband decades earlier. In reality, the only threat was from her.

When she and I met a decade earlier, our second date was at my church. I continued attending church after we split. She did not due to an intense phobia of Covid. However, one day after a 1.5 year absence, she showed up and began photographing me during the most solemn part of mass, Holy Communion. It was totally inappropriate and illegal. The Protective Order against her was for stalking. She was stalking again. She enlisted a flying monkey to use his iPad to photograph me from the rear of the church. I could have gotten her and her flying monkey arrested for their actions since she was stalking again and he was violating a court order by proxy according to a lawyer.

She joined the police department’s ‘frequent flyer’ program with false 911 calls. She filed about a dozen hoping to have me arrested for violating the court order. Unfortunately for her, she didn’t have a single shred of evidence. She manufactured everything. I was at a police shift change one day bitching about her. One COP snickered “cuckoo cuckoo”. She previously ordered one COP “arrest him, arrest him!” He told her “I can’t. He hasn’t done anything wrong.” Yet she pressed and pressed the COP to make a false arrest. A different COP said he’d be more than happy to escort her to the psych center if he was assigned to a future call. I learned that police arrest far more women than men in domestic calls.

Finally, she shot herself in the foot. She claimed that a friend of mine was trespassing. She gave a detailed description of him and his green clothing. She said he didn’t have a hat (on a cold winter day) and she recognized him, his long hair, and his long beard. She hadn’t seen my friend in a year. She had no way of knowing his head was now shaved and his beard wasn’t much more than peach fuzz because he had attended his father’s funeral recently. I provided time stamped photos taken weeks earlier proving she was lying to police. My hopes were that she would finally receive a mental health evaluation. The COP followed up with her. The report states that she later recanted her description of my friend saying “I didn’t actually see him.” She should have been arrested for a false report but Houdini escaped again.

When our relationship ended, I was shocked with the response by family and friends. Everyone told me they hated her from the moment they met her. One described her as ‘full of herself’. I used the word ‘pretty’ to a friend. He laughed and said “you’re kidding, right?” Even she once told me “I never thought of myself as pretty but if you think so that’s great.” That week I showed her photo to nineteen guys asking them to rate her. Out of all these men, only one said he’d date her. When I told him about the insanity I experienced, even he withdrew his thumbs up. Today she is still pretty to me on the outside. She is a monster on the inside and always will be.

I learned her ex-boyfriend had a Protective Order against her in the form of a lifetime stay away order in a settlement because he feared she might destroy more of his property or physically harm him. His fear was justified. After I left the home I worked a lifetime for, she proved exactly how mentally imbalanced she was by destroying $50,000 of my property in my home.

Her act of destroying my property in itself shows she was not afraid as she had told a judge in order to get her phony protective order. Incidentally, 90% of protective orders are phony and are used routinely to have an edge in divorces. For the truly violent, they are not worth the paper they're written on. If she were afraid, she would not have done so. She knew me and was totally confident that I would not retaliate outside the court system. Some of the biggest hot heads in the system are police. Google 'COP murders his wife' and you will get 146 million hits. Even judges murder their spouses. For her, the protective order was just one more step in her narcissistic game of revenge.

One of my hobbies was photography. Neighbors told me they saw her for a month in the driveway burning my photos of my kids and family. My high school yearbook was even burned. All of my documents were burned. My kid’s papers were burned. It’s exactly the kind of thing Isis does.

I had $20,000 in clothing. She returned to me only a few sealed containers of clothing that had been sprayed with the garden hose and left for mold to consume.

She destroyed my camper by opening its door during a three-day snow storm with a bar thereby distorting it's shape.

She enlisted a younger girlfriend from church to help her destroy a $2,500 ham radio antenna I had in the yard. According to our lawn service owner, she told him she was going to destroy it. When he returned a week later, she had kept her promise. The lawn guy said she acted as if she had a screw loose saying "watch for drones and TV cameras because they're watching me."

Thousands of dollars worth of ham radio equipment was tossed to the concrete breaking electronics inside. Wires were cut everywhere.

When she was done, she left her calling card. She left a baggie of her HUMAN WASTE FULL OF MAGGOTS inside my now scratched furniture. I preserved it so her brother can provide his DNA if it’s needed in the future.

Police who took the report against her said she was eligible for a decade in state prison. Once these people enter the black hole of their narcisstic state, there is no escape. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing. She had formal training in the law, had an extensive law library in the home, plus she spent years online researching cases in order to extract revenge from other enemies. She once hired a lawyer to sue her own lawyer thinking it would motivate him. She knew exactly what she was doing. She knew the penalty. She didn’t care. She had become Jerry Springer trailer trash who was above the law.

But what she did next could have landed her in prison for life and still can. Postal officials investigated how she received my mail after I left. The USPS had forwarded it for months to my new address so it didn’t make sense. How did she get it? They determined that she went to the post office (one day after meeting with her lawyer) and terminated my mail forwarding thereby allowing her to receive my mail illegally. That single act alone carries a five-year prison sentence in federal prison. In all, I believe, she could face 25 years for the feds alone (Obstruction of Correspondence-three counts, Theft or Receipt of Stolen Mail-2counts, all felonies). Her admission of guilt is found in state court documents she submitted.

Two lawyers read a brief that she submitted to the state court in our lawsuits. Both said a lawyer did not write it. In the process, just like Derek Chauvin who lost sight of the law when he murdered George Floyd, the need for revenge overcame fear of prosecution. She introduced into state evidence, my financial documents that she illegally obtained after ceasing my mail forwarding. My financial documents had my financial account numbers on it. For starters, possession of another’s financial account number is a state misdemeanor carrying a one-year prison sentence and she admitted her crime by filing it. She was such a con artist that she even got my appraiser to falsify his documents for the court. In all, I believe, there were a total of 8 possible misdemeanors (8 years), 1 class E felony (4 years), and 3 class D felonies (21 years). All of these charges are still in play. Today she can still be prosecuted at any time. These are all what are called ‘crimes against justice’ or 'crimes against the court' meaning that I need not press charges. The state can.

Let’s do the math: 8 years + 4 years + 21years + 10 years (property destruction) = 43 years imprisonment (long story but I waived the 10 years)! I considered talking with a criminal attorney to push for prosecution. My thought was as an alternative to prosecution, she would agree to self-admit herself in an institution even though if our roles were reversed she would spend the rest of her life seeking my incarceration. She is mad. There is absolutely no question in my mind that if she were able to cause my death—she would—without a second thought. And for what???? All because I didn’t stick around for more abuse after being physically assaulted for the second time. She should contact Alex Murdaugh. They have much in common. They both believe they can bullshit all of the people all of the time. It doesn't work like that.

If she is prosecuted some day, chances are that she will be found not guilty. Not based on the facts but based on her ability to lie.

THE ONLY PEOPLE TO BEAT A LIE DETECTOR TEST ARE NARCISSISTS BECAUSE

THEY HONESTLY BELIEVE THEIR OWN LIES.

An acquaintance worked for a state prison that houses the mentally ill. He told me that he saw people like this every day. He never met her but he met many just like her. He said there’s a high bar getting people committed today but after hearing my story he said commitment to his workplace might be the best thing that ever happened to her. He joked “she can even bring her imaginary friends.”

It was difficult to learn that she never loved me. They are not capable of it according to everything I’ve read. To them everything is transactional as it is with prostitutes. I gave her love and a home. In return she allowed me to live in my own home as long as I was willing to tolerate her abuse and not a second longer.

I never wanted anything material or her money. When it was over, I read her will. Neither I, her brother, or her (half) best friend would receive a penny except $7,000 was earmarked to take care of MY dog. She cared more for my dog than for me. Her $1+ million would go to charities but each gift had to bear her name so that future generations would know what a good person she was.

Only days after our ‘relationship’ ended, I began laughing again. The FOG had begun to lift (fear, obligation, and guilt). I hadn’t really laughed in a decade. It’s then that I realized that in all our time together I never heard her laugh either, nor has she ever shed a single tear (like narcissist Murdaugh). That is telling. I don’t hate her. Instead, I have real pity for her. No one wakes up one day and says “I think I’ll ruin my life, be or act insane, and never ask for help.” She woke up every day and said “I think today I’ll ruin someone else’s life.” They say people suffer from mental illness. That’s not true with narcissists. People who love them suffer. Her road to recovery could have started long ago with a simple ‘I’m sorry” and she would have received help. In recovery programs they say ‘you can’t use the same broken brain to fix your broken brain.’ The only option is to ask for help.

Her half friend relayed to me my nex’s words to her which were “I am devastated.” I doubt that. She got exactly what she wanted, planned, and executed. It just wasn’t what she needed. She needed to say ‘I am sorry’ then reach out for help. It's all so sad because when I told her how much I loved her, how beautiful she was (to me), or how smart she was, I meant it. I gave her everything she and any narcissist needs and more. I just couldn’t fix her. Only she or a judge can and even that’s questionable. As the song says, sometimes love just ain’t enough. Her tombstone should read ‘Sorry’ but it won’t.

I once asked her about regrets. She thought for a moment and said “I have no regrets.” That I believe. I, on the other hand, have too many to list. Most of all, I regret falling in love with someone who is incapable of loving anyone except herself.

Today she continues to work with youth in the same environment her alleged common law assault occurred against a child decades earlier. She also found another victim who will wakeup some day (possibly while being assaulted) and ask “WTF just happened” assuming he lives to tell about it. Hopefully he is a narcissist also in which case there will be real fireworks. He will soon learn after a dose of her toxic abuse, she is as desirable as anchovies as an aphrodisiac.

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this work are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.

The Malignant Narcissist

All narcissists value adoration, praise, and validation. They all struggle or completely lack empathy for others, and they inadvertently hurt people with their selfish actions. Malignant narcissists, on the other hand, intentionally and actively harm others. They’re more likely to use force and violence to meet their needs. A malignant narcissist tends to lash out frequently with no regard for how their actions impact others. They may be hostile, threatening, or downright violent.

Although there is only one established diagnosis for narcissistic personality disorder, narcissism itself lies on a spectrum. Some people exhibit relatively mild and benign traits. On the extreme end, narcissist behavior can resemble that of sociopathy.

Malignant narcissism refers to a persistent pattern of actively seeking to sabotage other people’s happiness, self-esteem, or relationships. For these reasons, experts often cite the Malignant Narcissist as the most dangerous subtype. There is also frequent overlap with antisocial personality disorder.

Malignant narcissism signs can range from being incredibly obvious to incredibly sneaky and subtle. The types of malignant narcissism vary from person to person. Depending on the context, symptoms may ebb and flow, and they can also progress over time. Let’s get into some of the classic signs.

A person looks at them strangely. Their spouse doesn’t load the dishwasher. Their coworker makes a minor mistake during their group presentation.

Any of those seemingly mundane events can trigger extreme Narcissistic rage. When a narcissist feels threatened, they react with anger. Their anger acts as a protective shield against any semblance of vulnerability. They use this anger in various ways- threats, violence, extreme gaslighting– to restore their sense of power.

Just like the anger can manifest quickly, it can also disappear quickly. It’s one of the reasons why loved ones struggle so often with narcissists. Their moods can be so unreliable that it’s impossible to predict how they will react in a certain situation.

It’s no secret that all narcissists believe they are entitled to the things they want. Subsequently, they can’t necessarily comprehend why other people don’t see it their way.

But they don’t just stop at confusion. Not only do they fail to accept how other people think, but they will also take any measure they can to ensure they get what they want.

When narcissists communicate with others, it’s not about fostering connection. Conversations are tools- the dialogue is about securing their needs. Instead of having a mutual exchange, they’re calculating what you can offer them.

Keep in mind that this symptom doesn’t apply to everyone, as not all types of malignant narcissism are created equally. Some are more callous and calculating in their interactions. They may adapt by using sophisticated manipulation (being charming, faking empathy) tactics to get close with other people.

One of the main signs is their incessant paranoia. Generally speaking, they tend to be extremely distrustful of others. They may have a rigid complex that only they can look out for themselves. The paranoia may manifest as statements like:

More than anything, they lack remorse for how their actions affect other people. Unlike most narcissists, they often don’t even attempt to “pretend” remorse with fake apologies or justifications.

Instead, they will usually continue to lash out or intimidate people until they’re left alone. Because many people fear their rage, they tend to tiptoe around them when they’re in a questionable mood.

They often see things in fixed categories. People are good, or they are bad. Things are perfect, or they are a colossal failure. There is no middle ground.

This thinking comes from their own rules and logic. Interestingly, these rules and logic can change at any time. That’s why it’s not uncommon for them to seemingly change their mind out of nowhere. This happens when they latch onto a single piece of compelling evidence.

For example, let’s say the narcissist has a decent enough relationship with their neighbor. The neighbor praises their fancy car and outside landscaping, which validates the narcissist’s self-worth. Then, the neighbor’s dog poops on their lawn. This single event transforms the friendly neighbor into a mortal enemy.

How dare they let their dog do that? Do they really think they’re going to get away with this? Just wait!

All narcissists attempt to dodge personal accountability for their actions. Many of them will blame other people to avoid looking inwards.

They also blame others, even in extreme cases. For example, if they attack someone, they’ll blame the other person for looking at them the wrong way. They will try to project and triangulate other people to avoid getting blamed.

Are they violent? Not always, but they tend to be. They often have intense rage issues coupled with poor impulse control. This recipe makes it easy for them to lash out at others, particularly when they feel threatened or slighted.

That said, the narcissist does not genuinely acknowledge or apologize for their violent behavior because they have egosyntonic aggression. Egosyntonic refers to core beliefs that are acceptable to oneself- they feel natural, persistent, and sensical.

Egodystonic, on the other hand, refers to thoughts or impulses that trigger shame, guilt, or distress. While most people have aggressive thoughts from time to time, having an egodystonic mindset prevents the action.

For a narcissist, their violence is usually egosyntonic. It feels completely natural, and they don’t have remorse for it. That’s why they often downplay, justify, or outright their actions. For example, they might say gaslight you by saying something along these lines:

Malignant narcissists typically rank their success and well-being over everyone else’s. To the outside world, they may come across as highly ambitious and extremely successful.

Winning is their top priority, even when their quest for coming out on top hurts other people. When they want something, they make all efforts into making that happen.

In fact, most often they won’t even consider anything beyond leadership roles. To them, any subservient title is insulting and demeaning.

Their competitiveness can happen anywhere: in relationships, at work or school, and even in their own imagined challenges. For example, a narcissistic mother might find herself competing against every other mother at her child’s school. She makes it her mission to make sure her daughter is the top student, even though this goal may harm her child.

Of course, this isn’t a competition anyone else has joined. She’s just decided that she needs to win against all the other moms.

Some experts argue that there isn’t much of a difference between the two terms. Narcissistic sociopaths exist, although it’s important to recognize that not all narcissists are sociopaths and not all sociopaths are narcissists.

A narcissistic sociopath typically meets criteria for both narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder, a disorder characterized by a persistent pattern of:

Narcissism, at its core, is about needing admiration and recognition. Narcissists want to feel loved, and they want to feel important. All narcissistic behavior is in response to meeting those core needs. Sociopaths don’t necessarily desire such validation. Instead, their dark motives usually come from a place of intense rage. When someone (or something) triggers that anger, they explode.

There isn’t a single cause for narcissistic personality disorder. Experts believe narcissism comes from a combination of different genetic and environmental factors.

In almost every circumstance, the narcissist has a previous history of childhood trauma.

Childhood trauma can include neglect, physical abuse, and emotional abuse. Trauma can also manifest when young children need to take care of their parents due to a medical or psychiatric issue.

These children may grow up with a core belief that the world is unsafe and that people are bad and unreliable. They essentially take on a victim stance and learn to protect themselves by acting superior and powerful over others. Their super-inflated ego acts as a defense mechanism to shield their fragile and vulnerable selves.

A lack of parental consistency may also contribute to narcissism. All children need structure and boundaries to feel safe in the world. When they lack these needs, they may develop the complex that rules don’t matter because nobody actually enforces them.

Too much of a good thing can be problematic when it comes to narcissism. If someone receives constant validation and praise for every accomplishment, it can reinforce a grandiose sense of self. This is why many narcissists surround themselves with people who will enable their greatness- they need this constant reassurance about their self-worth.

A pattern of chronic rejection can make narcissists more susceptible to malignant narcissism. Chronic rejection wounds the ego, and it chips away at someone’s self-worth.

Some people struggle with profoundly low self-esteem as a result. Malignant narcissists gravitate towards needing excess power, control, and dominance to ensure that nobody can hurt them again. Source

PSYCHOPATH TRAITS

1. Superficial Charm & Charisma

Psychopaths can be very charming, charismatic, and persuasive people. This can be especially so with female psychopaths, who area more social and emotional than their male counterparts. While they lack true empathy, they are often very skilled at “faking” prosocial behaviors like flattery, kindness, and false sympathy. They may use these skills to get things that they want from people, but eventually they are unable to keep up the act. Over time, the charm and charisma will probably wear off, unmasking an underlying coldness or cruelty.

2. Unnecessary Cruelty or a Mean Streak

Once the superficial charm and charisma wears off, a psychopath will often demonstrate moments of cruelty or meanness. These may include gossip, biting comments, lashing out aggressively at others, or laughing or being entertained when they hurt or embarrass someone. Cruelty and meanness are hallmark signs of a psychopath, and often lead to a pattern of violating the rights of others.

3. Lies, Exaggerations, & Dishonesty

Many psychopaths are prone to pathological lying. They may exaggerate the truth to get their way, inflate their ego, or get others to think, feel or do what they want them to. Most normal people feel guilty or at least a little worried about being caught in a lie, but a psychopath’s lack of conscience makes lying a guilt-free activity. In fact, deception is even a listed symptom of ASPD, and can even show up as a person ‘faking’ remorse, empathy, or care and concern for other people.^2,6,7

4. Lack of Accountability & Playing the Blame Game

Psychopaths commit some of the most cruel, violent, and heinous acts in society, but they rarely take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they are more likely to blame other people, make excuses, and try to justify their actions, no matter how bad they are. This sign of a psychopath is indicative of their lack of morals, conscience, and empathy, meaning they do not have the same sense of ‘right and wrong’ that most people do.^6,7

5. Need for Power, Control, & Dominance

Many psychopaths seek out positions of power and authority because they enjoy domination and control of other people. According to some research, psychopaths are slightly more likely to seek out and secure positions of leadership in the corporate world, suggesting there is a grain of truth in the stereotype of the psychopathic CEO.⁸ There is also a known overlap between psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism (immoral and exploitative tendencies), which can lead to a hunger for power and control.^7,9

6. Sadistic Enjoyment of Pain & Suffering

Sadism is a word that describes a sick sense of pleasure from the pain and suffering of other people. In some psychopathic people, the pain of others is sexually arousing and in others, the pleasure is non-sexual and has more to do with excitement, power, or the ‘rush’ of the experience.^3,6,7 Not all psychopaths are sadistic, but this quality is not an uncommon trait in a psychopath, which may explain why psychopathic traits predict violent and sexually violent crimes with 80% accuracy.¹

7. Boredom & Thrill-Seeking Behaviors

Because psychopaths lack some of the normal emotional wiring that most people have, it takes a lot more to excite them, make them happy, or give them a thrill. Psychopaths are overall less impulsive than sociopaths because they aren’t driven by strong emotions, but their dulled emotional response may cause them to seek out thrills. This may be why psychopaths are more likely to engage in crime, violence, sexual promiscuity, and drug and alcohol use.^1,3,6

8. Disregard for Rules, Laws, & Norms

Psychopaths do not follow the same code of ethics as most people in society, which is why they often behave in immoral or even illegal ways. These may include minor offenses like inappropriate comments or profanity or more serious offenses like crime and violence. While not all psychopaths are violent criminals, a very high percentage of people who commit crimes (especially violent crimes) have psychopathic traits.^1,5,6

9. Unaffected & Unafraid of Consequences

While most people who engage in criminal behaviors live in fear of being caught, psychopaths don’t always have this same fear. This may be partially explained by the fact that psychopaths are believed to have abnormalities in areas of the brain that create normal fear responses, and also in the parts of the brain linked to impulse control and good long-term decision making.^3,4

10. Detached, Cold & Callous Demeanor

Researchers believe that psychopaths do not have the same emotional wiring as normal people, which is why they often display a cold, callous, and apathetic demeanor.^1,6,7 The differences in the structure of their brains is believed to limit their ability to experience a normal range of human emotions, making them less likely to experience strong emotions.^3,4 In situations when others are sad, upset, anxious, or excited, a psychopath may seem oddly detached or apathetic.⁷

11. A History of Childhood Behavior Problems

Antisocial personality disorder can be diagnosed only after the age of 18, but the signs and symptoms of ASPD usually begin in childhood or early adolescence.² Most psychopaths show signs of conduct disorder before the age of 15, and the most severe psychopaths may be able to trace their behavioral issues to before the age of 10.⁵ Some common signs of a psychopath in childhood include frequent fights, lying, stealing, cruelty to animals or other children, and a disregard for rules or authority.^2,5

12. A Trail of Short, Broken Relationships

Psychopaths lack the ability to empathize with other people, so it makes sense that they have trouble forming and maintaining close relationships with people. While they may be able to use their charm or powers of persuasion to fool people into liking them, they usually lack the ability to maintain these relationships over time.⁷ This is why most psychopaths have very short, shallow relationships with people, as well as many people who they’ve betrayed, hurt, or turned into enemies.

13. Exploitation of Others for Personal Gain

A psychopath will use, abuse, and exploit other people, especially when it means getting something they want. In their pursuit of power, wealth, fame, and so forth, there are no lengths they won’t go to in order to get what they want. This is bound to leave many casualties in their path, and a psychopath will have no remorse when they need to throw someone under the bus in order to get ahead, even when this is someone who has helped them along the way.^1,3,5,6,8

14. Calculated & Strategic Planning

While sociopaths are more driven by emotions, a psychopath is more cool-headed and calculated in their decision-making.^1,3,6 This can make them more dangerous because it’s not as easy to predict what they will do or when they will make their move. Some psychopaths devise detailed plans on how to con, exploit, or take advantage of people who are naturally generous, kind, and trusting. While psychopaths are not generally patient individuals, they are generally less impulsive than sociopaths.^3,6

15. A Lack of Conscience

Even when they harm another person, a psychopath will not feel genuine remorse for their actions, and they may not even be phased by the consequences of their actions when they get in trouble. This also makes them especially dangerous because they are less likely to limit their behavior based on fears of getting caught, feeling guilty after, and are also less likely to learn from their mistakes.

16. Abnormal Ways of Thinking

Abnormal thoughts are common in psychopaths because their brains are wired differently. This could cause them to make strange, odd, or off-putting comments or observations during normal conversations. Also, a psychopath may occasionally provide a disturbing view into their twisted minds when talking about strange things they like, mean comments about others, or statements that make it clear they don’t care about other people.

17. Poor Attention Span & Loss of Interest

One of the less commonly known signs of a psychopath is a poor attention span, which can show up in similar ways as symptoms of ADD or ADHD. A psychopath becomes easily bored with activities, tasks, and people, and is always looking for something more exciting or entertaining to do or see. This can also lead them to quickly lose interest in goals, projects, or relationships that seemed very important to them. This may also be linked to a pattern of irresponsible decision-making, or abandoning obligations or projects before finishing them.^6,7

18. Violent Tendencies, Abuse, or Aggression

One of the most dangerous signs of a psychopath is a tendency towards violence, aggression and abuse. Psychopathy is one of the strongest predictors of violent behavior, including violent crimes and sexual violence. Unfortunately, many violent psychopaths will re-offend, even after receiving treatment, rehabilitation, or serving prison time or having other legal consequences.^1,3,4,6

19. Hostile & Oppositional by Nature

Another one of the psychopath traits that is less commonly known is a hostile and oppositional demeanor. While psychopaths can pretend to be friendly, kind, and charming for a short time, their true nature is much more aggressive. Psychopaths are more likely to hold racist, sexist, or misogynistic views towards others, and also more likely to treat people in hostile or unkind ways.^1,6 They may also be more argumentative and combative, seeking out conflict and confrontation (while most people try to avoid it).

20. Masters of Deception

A final warning sign of a psychopath is a person who seems to be especially skilled at the art of deception. Psychopaths are masters of deception, and use lies, distortions of truth, gaslighting, and other dishonest tactics to emotionally manipulate other people and falsely represent the truth. Unfortunately, psychopaths in treatment may use these deceptive tactics to fool counselors and treatment providers into thinking they have improved. One study found that psychopaths with the highest treatment success scores were most likely to reoffend.⁹